I have been reminded of the song Refiner's Fire often. I heard it first in high school I believe and it's a song that stuck out to me then and has continued to be a song that has been meaningful over the past decade. I once shared my testimony to my MOPS group in WA. I had been through a lot at that point and Reese was down in San Diego and Lane and I were still living up in WA. Reese's decision to go into the Navy placed me in the "fire." I knew it would be hard, but I also knew that God was leading us there. During my testimony I shared this bit of information that had once been emailed to me. Little did I know what these words would mean to me just 2 years later, as once again, I sit in the fire, the hottest, most refining fire of my life...
Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver"
This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.
One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.
That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.
As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were the hottest as to burn away all the impurities.
The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she though again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.
The man answered yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.
The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"
He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."
If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.
These words literally fell into my hands this morning when I opened up a book that had been sitting in my bookshelf. I had to share right away. These words are so true, so real in my life right now. In the midst of the darkest period in my life, God has been there. It's very hard to explain, but He is so real. I know that He is working in me, that old person I was is gone. I am changed forever and I pray that I will be a better person through losing Case.
Reese was in bootcamp when my mom died. We got married 2 months later. I moved to be with him another 2 months later. I remember him saying to me at one point that I had changed, I was different from when we were dating (I don't think he was saying that I was better either :). He probably doesn't remember saying that, but it stood out in my mind and still does. Through loss, we change. It is my choice to let that change be for the better or for the worse. My choice is to sit in the fire as long as God needs me to be there, so that I can be better, not bitter, and allow Case's legacy to live on in my life.
Lane has been having fun chasing calves, chickens and this large turkey! Fun times with cousins and friends.
Lane is loving his cousins four wheeler! We are doing well. Keeping very busy, but I am hoping that everything calms down next week. I am enjoying being surrounded by trees, mountains and "country" things. Hopefully I'll get to post more soon.
What a difference 4 weeks can make! I feel big for 16 weeks, but I am glad that I look pregnant now. I am feeling better, but I am very tired still and my body is usually very sore. At my doctor appt last week everything looked and sounded great.
Over the weekend Lane and I got to meet my new friend Kristen and her family who live a couple of hours away. We met through email after Case died when she got in touch with my sister Michele and I. It was great to spend some time with them in person. Lane had so much fun with her girls (above). Kristen and I talked alot of the day about our kids, Case, God, my journey, and when she could get a word in, about her life :) Kristen is a very empathetic person, very caring, and not afraid to ask me how I am. I appreciate people like her so much, people who want to know how I am doing, not avoiding the topic of Case. The fact is, I like to talk about Case and if I cry that's okay, don't be afraid if I cry. Honestly... it does not help me if you avoid me or talking with me about Case, it hurts me. Yes, I have run into both, people who avoid me all together or people who even quickly change the subject if I bring Case up. That is why I am so thankful for people like Kristen (who was a stranger before Case died), for my friends that call or email to check up on me. Thank you.
