I Could Just Eat You Up

So I am talking about Lane, Estelle, and yummy new recipes :0 I have a weakness for some really adorable kids and great food, and by the way, losing the baby weight? Not going so good :)This little girl loves her bath time.

Lane is so great with Estelle! Today she had a cute, springy outfit on. When I picked Lane up from school, he looked at her and said, "she looks really pretty today." I thought that was about the sweetest thing a big brother could say to his little sister.

Moving on to food... what else. When Reese is home I like to make some yummy new recipes. Number one, because he appreciates it and number two, because he can help me watch Little Miss while I cook it. Otherwise, Little Miss doesn't let me get anything done. She would rather not nap for more than 20 minutes at a time, just in case she might miss something really important. I am linking the recipes here, just click on the name of the recipe and it should take you straight to the food network website. I have become quite the foodie again, for two reasons. I am breastfeeding so I am really hungry. Two, because Estelle loves to be held or just for me to sit next to her on the floor while she plays so I spend more time in front of the tv watching Food Network. Hey I could be watching soap operas and Housewives of Orange County (or whatever that is) or even worse the Home Shopping Network.
Paula Deen's Pot Roast Really yummy and we ended up making our own gravy because there wasn't a lot of sauce left at the end of cooking.
Lemon Chicken Breasts This was surprisingly awesome. My friend Kelly was talking about Ina Garten and I became more intrigued to try one of her recipes. I was drawn to this one because of it's simplicity, I wasn't sure how we would like it but we all loved it. I used bone in, skin on thighs. They worked out well. I also make some brown rice and put the sauce on that too. The peas... Lane will eat them, thats why I make them a lot. I alternate between peas, corn, carrots and salad and usually Lane will eat those.

10 years

Mom and I in Laughlin, NV when I was 12

It's hard to believe that 10 years ago tomorrow, my mom entered heavens gates and seven years since my Grandpa Ken went to heaven. I don't have many pictures of her or Grandpa here, I wish I had more, Michele scanned this one and sent it to me. I was only 18 when mom died, engaged, and Reese was in bootcamp at the time. She had seen me in my wedding dress, I am so thankful for that. That's a weird time in life to lose your mom. I was transitioning from being a teenager to an adult, I needed her. I certainly went through a few hard years after she died, I think all of us did. Reese and I married so young and I moved to CA less than 5 months after she died. I am sure Reese didn't know what had happened to his once carefree, happy go lucky girlfriend he left when he went to bootcamp. Because he married someone who was experiencing deep pain, that carefree person had changed into someone with more of a burden to carry. I am so thankful that we made it through those years, they weren't easy.

A while back I read this devotion in The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie and I bookmarked it. I can't say enough about this book, this devotion in particular, she took the words right out of my mouth.

"Birthdays. Deathdays. I feel like they are always coming at me. And it is hard to know what to do with these days when you have lost someone you love, isn't it? Letting them just go by doesn't seem right, and yet it can be so hard to work up the energy just to get out of bed, let alone do something constructive or meaningful.

When Hope's and Gabe's birthdays (her babies that both died around 6 months old from a genetic disorder) come around, I can usually find some way-sometimes very small and sometimes more significant- to celebrate their lives. I'm grateful they were here if for only a short time, so I can find joy in that. I celebrate the impact they had on other people, even with their significant limitations and the brevity of their lives, and I'm grateful. I remember the joy and richness they each brought to our lives and the gifts they gave us in the form of a deeper understanding of God and deeper relationships with people around us.

But those deathdays are hard. Or, I should say, it is the anticipation of the deathdays that is hard. For me, the day itself is not so bad. It is the days leading up to it, as I have a sense that death is coming again and I can't stop it. I feel a sense of dread and helplessness. Finding a way to "celebrate" a day of death seems absolutely ridiculous and almost like a denial of reality. But is it? Perhaps it is the ultimate embracing of reality.

On the day we are born, we enter a pain-saturated, sin-scarred, darkness-loving, soul-depriving existence for a determined number of years. On the day of our death, if we are believers, we enter a pain-free, perfect place that is ablaze with the glory of Christ, where our deepest longings and joys are fulfilled, not for a number of years, but forever. Think about it. Don't dismiss it because of how much you miss someone who is there or because of your fears of the unknown. Allow this truth to ruminate in your heart and illumine your mind. For you, and for the one you love who knows Christ, won't your deathday be your true birthday?"

That gave me something to think about. We are not conditioned to think this way, and this challenged me to change my thinking a bit. For us on earth, it still is a deathday, it is a sad day because we miss those we love so much, but for that person, they entered glory, everlasting life, what could be better than that?

What hit home the most for me in her devotion was what she wrote about the days leading up to that day. That week of the one year anniversary of Case's death, it was a feeling of an impending doom, almost an anxious feeling about what was to come, although it had already happened. But that day didn't seem like it was all that bad. I almost felt guilty for that, but what she says makes sense. I also don't always have the energy to do anything significant to honor that person whether it be mom, grandpa or Case. I have felt guilty about that too, but why? Probably because I see some grieving mothers, daughters etc doing some big project in honor of their loved one, but I am not that person. So now I do what I can do in that moment and as long as I feel right about that, it's good enough.

I've had a rough few weeks. I am busy, Estelle doesn't let me get much done, and Reese is gone alot. I don't like to advertise Reese's schedule on here, but I will sum it up as challenging. Him and I were talking tonight and he mentioned how hard the last year (14 months) has been, but that he was certain if won't last forever. It won't last forever, and what gets me by is looking at what we do have and trying to be thankful. Every night I look at Lane and Estelle as they lie there sleeping and I whisper to them "I adore you." I do, how can I not be thankful? And I am thankful that Case has Grandma Karen and Grandma Karen has her grandson Case.

A good name is better than fine perfume,
and the day of death better than the day of birth.
It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
the living should take this to heart.

Ecclesiastes 7:1-2

Big 4 Month Old!

Estelle turned 4 months old last Sunday. She is rolling over both ways and loves being on her tummy. We had her 4 month appointment on Monday. She weighed 15 lbs 14 oz and was 26 inches long. She is in the 95th percentile for height and weight. And let me tell you this baby loves to eat!
Hanging out on Daddy's lap at the beach.
This was our first attempt at rice cereal. I decided to make my own brown rice cereal. I just ground up short grain brown rice in a food processor to a fine powder, then cooked it on the stove. It keeps in the fridge for a few days so I just heat a little up each day. I am not sure if I'll keep making my own, it may be cheaper but it is a little time consuming. She wasn't sure what to do the first time, but we've been working on it all week and I think she's go it down now. Now she knows what's coming and kicks her little legs in excitement.
Estelle has been such a sweetheart and our family is smitten with her! She's not much of a sleeper during the day, but usually does well during the night. She is a social butterfly. She is happiest when someone is talking to her or when she is naked. She loves her nakey time! Sometimes when she is crying and I am not sure what the problem is I just take all her clothes off and she's usually happy again. She also loves to talk. She makes lots of goos and ahhhs and loves the sound of her own voice. We are so thankful for her!

We Get By With A Little Help From Friends

For my birthday last year my friend Katie gave me a little plate that now sits in my kitchen that says "We get by with a little help from friends." So true, although in my case a lot of help from friends! This past year, I have relied so much on my friends. The people who get me, who understand me, who I can show my ugly side to. :)

With Reese being in the Navy I meet a lot of new people. A lot of people come and go. I have been blessed with a lot of great friends. I have friends from all over the country and different parts of the world. I have never minded meeting new people, but now it's a little different. I meet someone new, and I walk away and think to myself "they don't get me, they don't know." Sometimes I find myself telling someone I just met about Case, sometimes I just don't have the energy. Yesterday at Lane's t-ball game, another mom commented on how we have a big space in between our kids just like they do. But I promptly explained to her that we had another child in between that passed away from SIDS.... awkward silence. Some people respond well, others stare at my blankly as if they've been slapped in the face... welcome to my world. Sometimes I wonder, how can I make friends with people who never knew Case, never knew me before I had a child die, how will these new people in my life "get" me? They didn't walk with me through my grief, they didn't see my family go from 4 to 3 and then 4 again. There are some new people in my life, not close friends, but friends. It seems like they don't get the energy it takes me everyday, just to function. One acts as if I am unsociable, I don't blame her, but she just doesn't get it. She didn't see it, maybe to her it's not a big deal because she didn't watch us go through it, didn't see the pain. It's a very isolating feeling that I have, one that almost makes me not put myself out there, that way maybe I won't feel so misunderstood.

All of this makes me so thankful for the friends I have. The friends that have walked with me through the past year. I have lots of friends and family, everyone has supported us in one way or another. But you know there are just those certain few that God places in your life that are there, ones you lean on in certain times in your life. So I wanted to take a moment to do a shout out to these girls. These girls are my sisters, either by blood or in spirit.

Michele and Lesha have known me all my life, I can tell them anything on my mind and they won't judge me. They know me inside and out. We have grieved the death of our mother together, we have celebrated the births of nine babies between us and now they have grieved with me for my baby. Lesha got on a plane the day Case died and again the day after Estelle was born. Michele has encouraged me so much over the phone. They have been a source of encouragement and laughter, and sometimes just someone to vent to. I don't know what I would do without them.

Anya, Lindsey, Kyrsten and Joelle, they have been my friends since middle school. Each one of us has had our heartaches and loss in the 17 + years we've been friends. They've been there with me, they love me for who I am. They know that sometimes I have diarrhea of the mouth and they still want to hang out me. :) They did so much for us when we went up to WA for the funeral. From making phone calls to the church to putting groceries in our condo, they were awesome.

My military friends, Elaina who I've known for almost a decade. Katie and Kelly my neighbors who have made this neighborhood so much less of a ghetto for me :) Leah and Lauren, we met through our husbands, I so appreciated meeting such mature, grounded women in our husbands line of work.

Elaina helped get me through the day Case died, her and Katie helped Lane that day, picked him up from school and brought him to the hospital when it was the right time. I asked Elaina to do so much that day, I am forever grateful to her for that. Katie was there when we got home. Sat with us until Reese's mom and Lesha got here. Katie, Kelly, and Leah checked in on me for months following, just checking to see how I was. Kelly has been so helpful to me in recent months too. Watching my kids at the drop of a hat, and overall just being sensitive to our circumstances.

Kristen is a friend that never got to meet Case. She gives me hope that someone who didn't know me before, can get me. She emails and asks how I am doing, and really wants to hear the honest answer. She has been a prayer warrior, someone who has truly tried to put herself in my shoes, even though it's sad and uncomfortable. She has sent me books and bible verses and so much encouragement through her words.

Being a friend to me hasn't been easy since January 12, 2010, I am sure. These women have given to me and most the time I haven't been able to give back. That shows friendship, giving and not expecting anything in return. They have been real to me and I have been real to them. No foo foo words or surface talk, nope that's not what it's about, that's not what gets us through. I am so thankful to them.

Thanks girls. I am so blessed to call you my friends.

Really taking the time to think about friendships and having been in a position to really NEED my friends makes me realize again how important it is to nurture friendships. It is so important to be real. Surface friendships don't cut it when life cuts you to the core.

Pictures from the week

Here are some pictures from the week. In the morning before school, Lane always wants me to leave Estelle downstairs with him while I get ready. Sometimes I let him "watch" her. The other day I came down to check on them and he had picked her up and wrapped both of them up in a blanket to snuggle and watch TV. Very cute, even Lane with his scraped up forehead and chocolate toast face.

Estelle loves this little play mat. I laid her down this way.....

and about 20 minutes later, she was this way. Lane lays his light saber above Estelle and has the lights going on it. She loves it!
Estelle also loves her johnny jumper. She stayed in there for a little bit, while I scrapbooked. Here is her smiley face,
and here is her famous pouty lip, she already figured out that it gets her attention.

Lane had his first t-ball game yesterday! He did great, he got a couple great hits.

Estelle did good during the game, I think I've figured out that she really likes being out and about. Seems as if I might have one child who wants to stay home all the time and another that wants to be on the go! After t-ball we had a birthday party to go to.

Lane bowling at the party.

I am so enjoying watching Estelle grow. I have felt so sad that we didn't get to see Case do all the things a baby does, get his first tooth, roll all over the place, crawl, walk, talk. I find myself really excited for Estelle to do all of those things, I was so ready to see that and enjoy that time with Case, now I look forward to it with Estelle. We are so blessed to have her to fill our home with all the love (and noise) a baby brings :)