Sacred Work

I've been wanting to post on my blog for the past year and 3 months and I just haven't.  Fall of 2015 we were hit with some really hard stuff.  I won't go into detail because it's not really my story to tell. But it was hard, hard on our marriage and hard on each of us individually.  It left us with so many unknowns and once again just when I thought things were moving along pretty nicely... bam, another punch in the stomach.  I stopped posting on my blog during that time.  I didn't really know what to say, I still don't.  I've used my blog, my writing, to get through a lot of tough stuff in the past but I have been at a loss.  It wasn't that this was worse than the other things, I think this time I just lost the part of me that is in tune with my feelings.  And I lost my closeness to God.  These are things that I've been working at getting back this past year.

Quote from Hello Dearest article: The Rhythm of Rest.  Spring 2016

So I've been busy doing some sacred work.  Last summer Reese and I had a babysitter and took the sailboat out on San Diego bay for the afternoon.  He did some work on it and I laid up top and read.  I had brought along my MOPS magazine that had been sitting untouched for months.  I read this article by a woman named Leanna Tankersley (who strangely enough lives in San Diego, also has a child named Lane, and her husband has the same profession as Reese).   The article was called The Rhythm of Rest.  It was mostly about finding those things that rejuvenate you, that fill your soul and how doing those things is real rest.  Real rest isn't "checking out" and reading Facebook or watching your favorite show.   The part of the article that really spoke to me was the quote I wrote out above.  A deep and beautiful part of me went dormant and I needed to do the sacred work of waking that up in me again.  I've been trying, sometimes with success, many times without.  I just went to church on Sunday for the second time in over a year and I absolutely loved it.  I have been sewing and crafting while listening to audio books (how's that for killing two birds with one stone).  I've been trying to be prayerful and do a devotion each day, a routine that I am once again out of!

I have learned a lot about myself and searched to find what is most important to make me an all around healthy person.  Reese and my marriage has grown and we are now looking forward to a change of career for him and yes... another move!  One of the things that hit us hard last fall was the realization that Reese needed to get out of the military.  He has taken some hard hits over the years and has had many concussions (mostly going untreated).  So over several months and many (MANY) doctors appointments,  it was made clear to us that he needed to get out.  This is another transition that we need to go through, and I pray that Reese will be happy in whatever is next.  I have been very nervous about it but God has proven faithful in opening doors for us that I would have never even imagined.

Our kids are doing well.  We live in San Diego now and both Lane and Estelle love their schools.  Lane is now 12 and made the big move up to middle school this year!  He has met some wonderful friends and is very active in sports.  He has also picked up playing the ukulele and plays clarinet in band.  Estelle just turned 6 and is a happy, emotional, and very creative kid.  She is enjoying Kindergarten and is learning to read which is so fun!  Ingrid is 2 1/2 and lets just be honest... she might be the real reason I haven't blogged in almost 15 months!  She has really kept me on my toes.  If she can get into something, she will.  She is talking up a storm, loves singing and dancing, and watching Frozen or "GO" as she calls it.  Shoes and babies are also passions of hers.  She tires me out, but she makes all of us belly laugh every single day.

Over the past year we have done some amazing things.  Reese and I took a couple trips by ourselves. Our family took the sailboat to Catalina Island three times, we took a two trips to WA and one to Illinois.  We have now sold the boat in preparation to move away from San Diego, which has been fine with those of us who are prone to getting sea sick.  I will try to post some pictures of the highlights from the past year as well as share our upcoming adventures!

It is no accident (although it happened somewhat "organically") that I am posting again on the 7 year anniversary of Case's death.  Throughout this journey I have tried to look for the blessings and at times this past year it's been hard!  But I have been seeing how God continues to orchestrate things beautifully.  Case gave me that gift 7 years ago.  His death was life changing and so many things about the past 7 years have been hard but if I have eyes to see the gifts, the blessings, I am able to FEEL blessed.

This Past Year

 Ingrid Faith

 1 month

 2 months

 3 months

 4 months

 5 months

 6 months

 7 months

 8 months

 9 months

 10 months

 11 months

Almost 1 year old

I have recently reflected on this past year since Ingrid is turning one.  This girl has been such a light in my life.  A light I've needed during some very dark moments.  When I found out I was in heart failure 2 months after she was born, of course it runs through everyone's mind, although I know they wouldn't ever say it to me, what if she would've never gotten pregnant to begin with?  Would she not have heart failure?  Of course that ran through my mind, you always go back and question things like that.  That would last a split second until I looked at Ingrid and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is meant for great things and that she is here for a divine reason.

 I shared my story with my MOPS group in March and I went over a timeline of the past 15 years of my life and how I had seen God work in my life. While I was preparing for it, I reflected on events that had taken place, the decisions I made and what came from those decisions.  It is interesting how when we take time to reflect we are able to see God's hand at work.  And yet we still worry and fret over every little thing today, when we know He always has and always will have it under control.  

When we made the decision to have Ingrid I had some major reservations for the 4-5 months leading up to it.  We had 3 months to try because I knew I needed to go to WA to have her and that needed to be during the summer so Lane wouldn't miss school.  One month before we needed to try a calm washed over me and I knew we needed to do it and I had a peace that if it didn't work that I'd be content with just having 2 kids here on earth.  My cardiologist was more than supportive and he sat in the room and talked with me about it well past the time the clinic closed and I walked out while the janitor was vacuuming the waiting room floor.  I was ready.  

Fast forward to November 2013, we had just had Estelle's birthday party here.  Everyone had left and I just told Reese that I was going to test early.  I ran to the store got a test and it came back positive.  I cried.  Reese asked me if I was crying because I was happy or sad.  I said I didn't know, I was scared but I also knew that it was the right thing.  

My pregnancy went well, I scared some doctors around here because I have an ICD and I was pregnant, but they soon figured out that I was healthy and doing well.  No complications and I left at the end of June at 36 weeks for Bellingham.  I saw a cardiologist in Bellingham as a precaution, he said I looked great. I was induced on my due date and a few hours later Ingrid was born.  I had a totally natural birth and I must say I rocked that labor and delivery like I never had before :)  Ingrid was perfect and I knew she completed our family.  And then 2 months later I find out I am in heart failure.

Ingrid has brought so much joy to our family.  She was motivation for me.  I had to get better, I needed to watch her grow.  In the beginning I really didn't know how it would all turn out.  I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I had fear that I wouldn't see my girls graduate or be able to see my grand kids.  I know none of have that guarantee but it was a real fear for me.  But over time my mind calmed down, my cardiologists were confident and God gave me peace that it would all work out according to plan, just as it always does.  I would hold Ingrid a little longer than I needed to after she fell asleep.  I always fed her bottles and cuddled her instead of ever propping them. She is almost one and I still snuggle and feed her.  I held her just a little tighter and God used her to comfort me.  She rolled with everything.  I had to quite nursing over night because of all the medications I had to start and she just started drinking formula like nothing ever changed.  She slept well so that I could sleep well and she's always had the biggest smile that could take all my sadness away.

The past year has held fear, sadness, confusion and it's been hard on our family and marriage, but it has also held greater joy and greater celebrations.  I had to resist bursting into tears and high fiving the doctor at my appointment in March when I found out I was up to 40-45%.  My "over saddened" self also wanted to "over celebrate" my victories.  I recently told someone that I've taken on the Y.O.L.O. (you only live once) attitude... I was being silly, but seriously... I kinda have.  

I am thankful for the growth that has taken place, for the healing, and most of all, I am thankful for my munchkins here on earth and in heaven.  And how God had a plan with bringing Ingrid into our family and as we watch her grow through the years I know that will become more and more evident.

Seattle, Sisters, Shopping

 Seattle, Sisters and Shopping are three words I love seeing in a sentence together!  A couple weeks ago I flew all by myself down to Seattle and met Michele and Lesha for a couple nights in Seattle.  It was officially celebrating Michele's birthday.  Michele picked me up from the airport at about 3:30 on Friday afternoon, Lesha met us soon after, and off we went!  I loved the shopping, mainly because I don't get to shop much where I live.  The conversation was so fun.  We went to The Cheesecake Factory both nights for dinner and took a table for far too long, just chatting away.  We stayed up til at least midnight both nights, we had to make the most of our time.

Ikea was a hit!  We didn't realize when we made the reservation but our hotel was really near to Ikea.  Lots of fun purchases there!  It was such a blessing to spend some really quality time with those girls.  I am really sad that we can't live closer, but at the same time it makes these times together that much more special.  It was so great of Reese to stay with our kids solo for 5 whole days while I met up with my sisters and then headed down to San Diego as well.  He did great with them and I even came home to a pretty clean house.  I look so forward to the years ahead when hopefully I'll be able to sneak away a little easier to meet my sisters.  Hopefully we'll go on lots of little get aways, but for now, I'll take what I can get.  And this little trip was a treat!

Matters of the Heart: Peace

I went to Anchorage last week for my recheck. I was feeling good, confident, peaceful. They did an echo and I sat through that 1/2 hour test very calmly. I met with my doctor and waited for her to tell me the number. Now I had told myself as long as I am in an upward swing I will be happy. I told myself, if I am in the 30's I will be ecstatic. The doctor came in, she told me that the echo read that it's at 38% and by her estimate it was around 30%. Yes! This is what I hoped for! But she thought the numbers should be higher... Okay. She continued on with my appointment. My physical exam looked good. She told me to get in contact with a heart transplant center. Not because I need one, but because I need to make these connections now, while I am "healthy." I left my appointment with such mixed feelings. I felt my joy was stolen from me. Maybe the doctor had a bad day and didn't "feel" like being quite as encouraging as she had before. Maybe satan saw an opportunity to steal my joy. In the last week I've had anxiety, so much so that my body shakes and my teeth chatter. I am being real right now, honest. Why? Because I have dark days and I need prayer. 

"God favors the darkest places so you can see His light the brightest." Ann Voskamp

I am reading "The Greatest Gift" by Ann Voskamp. It is a devotional book for Advent. It is a powerful book for me right now. So much truth is spoken and God shows up when I read it. 

Some days I have to try hard to seek Gods peace. Other days it comes easily. I know it's there for me if I just seek it.

"When you are brave, you give yourself the gift of facing and touching the torn places. The places where we're torn to pieces can be thin places where we touch the peace of God." Ann Voskamp

I have to allow these torn pieces of me to be touched by Gods peace. Beauty can come from ashes, but I have to allow that to happen.

"Faith is the gift of God. So is the air, but you have to breathe it; so is bread, but you have to eat it; so is water, but you have to drink it." D.L. Moody

This Christmas season my eyes have been opened to what Christmas really is. It has to be found, not bought or decorated. I am trying my best to find joy and peace in Christ this Christmas season.

Matters of the Heart: Choosing Joy

A sweet picture taken by my sister Michele in light of our families "Matters of the Heart"

Life is full of choices.  Not just those everyday choices, like whip or no whip on your mocha.  Heart choices.  Will I choose to love or be angry, be joyful or bitter, will I be brave or hold back on the chance I might get hurt.  Every day we make these choices and sometimes making the right ones is hard.

On September 30th I went into my internal medicine doctor here, our town doesn't have any cardiologists, so this is the closest I can get to that. I had been putting off this appointment.  I wasn't feeling terrible, I had been coughing for a long time.  That's part of living on this island, I feel like I've had a cold all year, germs like to fester here.  But my main symptom was that I was short of breath.  I thought, maybe my cold has really gotten into my lungs and that's all it is, but in the back of my mind I wondered if it was my heart.  And in the back of my mind, I knew.

Even the doctor thought it was probably nothing as I was sitting there telling him my symptoms.  Then he got me on the exam table and looked at my neck.  By looking at your neck a doctor can tell if you are retaining fluid, I was.  He got a little more serious at that point.  He ordered a chest xray, lab work, EKG and an echocardiogram.  And before any of those tests came back, he started prescribing medications.  My xray showed I had some fluid in my lungs, that explained my shortness of breath.  My labs showed an elevated BNP which indicates heart failure. And a few days later my echo showed that my heart function had gone from 45-55% last January, down to 10-15%.  Normal heart function is around 60% or higher.  I was shocked... those numbers are bad.  With those numbers you can be put on a transplant list.

I flew to Anchorage a week later to see my cardiologist as well as a heart failure specialist.  I left Ingrid with Reese and she drank formula for the second time in her short 2 months.  I got there and my doctors were beyond awesome.  They are calling it Peri Partum Cardiomyopathy, even though I already had an existing heart disease (link to my original diagnosis, another link, and for all other heart posts click on the Matters of the Heart tag).  And although 3 different cardiologist that I had consulted before getting pregnant told me that they thought I could handle another pregnancy, I didn't.  Sometime in late pregnancy or post partum, I developed heart failure.  The statistics are, 50% of women make a full recovery, 25% stabilize with good quality of life, and the other 25% continually struggle, possible heart transplant etc.

The thing is that my cardiologists were so incredibly positive.  They had a game plan, this included 6 new medications, as well as blocking prolactin in my body (what you produce while you're breast feeding) which can be hard on your heart.  Between all the medication and need to block prolactin, I had to quite nursing.  They did a physical examination and after my body was able to get rid of the fluid (thanks to some medications), I looked perfectly fine on the outside.  They told me that the heart function number is just one piece of the puzzle and the fact that I look good and feel good means that despite my heart function my body is able to compensate.  This doesn't make the heart failure part go away, but it's a huge blessing that I have a good quality of life.  I am able to do everything I normally do.  I have had to change some things in my diet, but those things have been a good change.  I have even been exercising 4 times a week.  So I am holding onto the way I feel and I am thankful.

I have a recheck of my heart on December 4th.  We are hoping to see ANY type of upward change in my heart function!  Please pray.

Michele's Hazel, standing by 5 hearts, representing the 5 siblings in our family.

So how do I handle this diagnosis, what heart choices do I have to make?  I have a newborn baby, I have a family that needs me, I am only 32 years old.  I have had a lot of people praying for me.  I know that God has placed certain people in my life to encourage, pray and surround me with love.  I know that God has prepared me for this with other life experiences I've had along the way.  I've been going to a bible study and we are studying the women of the bible.  We were studying Mary (Lazarus' sister) in Luke 10.  I have heard the story of Mary and Martha so many times, but this time it resonated with me in a new way.  In the story, Martha is running around making sure everything is prepared just so for Jesus and Mary is sitting at Jesus' feet, soaking in his presence.  When Martha complains to Jesus that she is doing all the work and Mary is just sitting there, this is Jesus' response.

          "Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:42b

This verse means so many things to me.  Taken literally, I should choose to sit at the feet of Jesus and trust him.  But this verse also speaks to me in other ways, "Choosing what is better."  I have the choice many times a day to choose what is better.  Am I going to choose fear or peace, anger or love, bitterness or joy, busyness or calm, am I going to be present in this moment or always look to the next thing.  If I chose what is better, that cannot be taken away from me.  I will grow from those choices,  I will be blessed by them, others will be blessed by them and I will bring Glory to God through them.

I am trying to chose what is better.  I am giving fear to God and choosing PEACE.  I am giving up bitterness and choosing JOY,  I am letting go of anger and choosing LOVE.  Oh, I haven't always been successful at this.  Yes, I've yelled at my kids, I have nagged my husband, and at times my peace has given way to fear, I am human.  But the point is that this is what I am focusing on and this is my goal.

I have felt an urgency.  Urgency to embrace the present, be a better wife, mother and friend.  An urgency to be intentional in the way I live out my days.  If I choose what is better, than I can do all of those things.  Those moments and memories will not be taken away from me, my family, or my friends.  My mom died when I was 18.  I treasure the wonderful memories I have of her.  No matter if I die tomorrow or 30 years from now,  I want my kids to have wonderful memories of me.  So I WILL CHOOSE JOY!

30 weeks

Time flies! All of a sudden I am 30 weeks! I feel like I look about the same as I did with Estelle.  This little one likes to move.  Her head is down and her butt is sticking out constantly on my right side!  I am so thankful that this pregnancy has been totally normal and uneventful so far.  I think the doctor that I see (who was a little freaked out at first), is feeling a lot more relaxed about me being pregnant on this remote island in Alaska!  I leave in about 4 1/2 weeks to get up to WA to have this little one!  I have lots to do before then!

I haven't had a lot of time to be nervous about having another little one in the house.  But a few times this past week I have been waking up during the night and can't get back to sleep.  First I think about all the stuff I need to get done in 4 1/2 weeks!  I also wonder if I'm going to be a little crazy having another little baby.  Will I check on her constantly, be anxious??  I was with Estelle way more than the boys (understandably).  I just don't want it to take over and be something that gets in the way of life and enjoying my kids.  So I am praying and hoping that God will give me peace and strength to get through those little baby stages.

13 years

It's was 13 years ago yesterday that we had to say goodbye to my mom.  When I look back some words that stick out in my mind are sudden, lost, and unreal.  It was all so sudden that it truly did seem unreal. I think we all felt lost.  I know I was.  I was a little less than 2 months from my wedding day, I was not even a year out of high school.  How do you do all that without your mom?  It was a loss that we all needed to deal with in our own way.  Reese was in boot camp at the time.  He couldn't leave so the next time I saw him was the last week in May at his boot camp graduation, we then got married June 2nd.   Our marriage started out with me grieving and I'm sure Reese wasn't sure what to do with that.  I think all of us got through it one way or another and for me it prepared me at a very young age for things that were to come.  

I just went through some old pictures and found these gems.  Picture are so important.  I have realized that more and more as time goes on!

 

I had no idea when my mom died that a little over 11 years later I would find out that I have the same heart condition that killed her.  Nobody knew when she died that this was a genetic thing.  As I have gone through this heart journey I have so often thought of my mom.  She was my age when she started having some major arrhythmia's that would cause her to pass out.  She had just had her 5th child.  She was busy.  They did not understand why her heart was doing this.  She was in the hospital for 2 weeks before they found a medication that "worked" for her and felt comfortable sending her home.  My condition was caught before I've had anything major happen.  I am blessed because they now know what this gene does and why I have what I have.  I still don't understand why she had to die at 45.  I don't understand any of it.  But I will say this, because she died I understand the severity of my situation, my family's situation.  It would have been easy for me to ignore, I mean I feel fine, my heart isn't doing crazy things...  But because she died, I know that if I want to live I have to take the necessary steps to live.  It is real to me.  When I found out about all this I had to kind of relive my moms death, grieve again.  Grieve for what this means for me, my siblings, my cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews, my kids.  My mom lived a healthy life despite what was going on with her and the doctors lack of knowledge about her condition.  So can I, so can all my other family members who might end up with the same thing we have, and we can continue to live with proper treatment.  27 years  after my mom was diagnosed with this, the medical knowledge has come so far.  I am so thankful for that and it gives me hope.

16 weeks

Well I am almost 18 weeks along. Oh my how time flies especially when you're running after other kiddos!  With Estelle I posted a belly picture about every 4 weeks (starting at 12 weeks).  Well I missed the 12 week mark, but here is the 16 week.  The pregnancy with Estelle is on the left and current pregnancy on the right.  It's nice to be able to compare the two pictures for me.  Mostly because I weigh quite a bit more this time around but I don't feel like I look like I weigh a lot more in the picture, so that makes me feel better.  Whatever works...

I just started feeling this little one moving around.  I felt it for the first time in my 16th week.  Today I have totally been feeling it pushing out on my right side.  I was on the treadmill this morning and I don't think it liked it cause I kept feeling it pushing out.  I may have an active one on my hands again.  Case was SO active inside, then he came out and was as calm as could be.  I am getting more and more excited to have a little baby again.  It's taken a little time, because I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle one more.  But I know I can do it. :)

Leavenworth

We left for Washington on December 17th.  I was ready to leave our little island that we live on and go to a mall, drive on a freeway, eat at different restaurants, that sort of thing.  We spent the first two nights at my dads house and then headed to Leavenworth WA for a couple nights.  They have a light festival every year and we love the area!  Michele lives about an hour and a half from there so she met us that afternoon.  The boys enjoyed sledding on the infamous Leavenworth sledding hill.  And Estelle and Hazel were super excited to see each other!

 We went out to dinner and got some gelato and then Michele and kids left.  It was a quick visit but we knew we'd see them on Christmas!

 Saint Nicholas came to town one night and handed out golden pears to all the kids.

 The lights in Leavenworth are magical!

 Every year we've gone there we take a walk in the park behind town.  I commented to Reese that while we were living in San Diego the snow, the wildlife, and the mountains were especially cool to see on that walk but now that we live in Kodiak, that awe is not quite so "strong."  It's interesting what you become used to and how your definition of "cool" can change.  To be honest, laying on a warm beach right now sounds pretty "awe"some!

In the past week I've had two of my siblings tell me I need to update my blog :)  Oh man, I just haven't been super inspired to keep up on it.  I told my friends in Washington that "I just don't have much to say."  I'll be very honest when I say that Kodiak has not been my favorite place to live.  It's not that it's horrible it's just that there really isn't anything to do and for whatever reason I don't feel like I've been able to "bloom" here.  I am still trying, but I guess I am just in a bit of a dry phase...  But I will make it more of a goal to keep this updated this new year!

Thrifty Thursday!

 Had a great day at the thrift store today. I love a good bargain! Jeans for Lane, a Christmas dress for Estelle, a Norman Rockwell Christmas puzzle, vintage candle holder, stocking, cookie cutter and a few other odds and ends. All for $9!

Among my purchases this is my favorite. A Williams Sonoma gingerbread cookie cutter set. The picture below shows what it cuts out. I love making gingerbread houses and this will make the experience even better!  Thriftin' isn't always great here in Kodiak so when it is I get a little excited!

Freezer meals: Slow Cooker BBQ Spareribs

The two weeks before my surgery I started to stock pile freezer meals. I wasn't sure how much I could do. Turns out I can probably do more than I thought but any use of my left arm is limited and I'm left handed. I am really glad I did this, it made me feel prepared, even if I wasn't totally prepared emotionally. It was a great distraction. I think in all I had 15 meals prepared plus frozen blueberry scones, banana bread, apple pie, and muffins. So I was trying to distract myself a bit...

Reese's mom just left this morning so tonight was the first night that I needed to cook dinner. I made BBQ spareribs. They were really good. I served them with baked beans and broccoli.

Slow Cooker BBQ Spareribs

1-2 lbs country style pork ribs
1 1/2 cups ketchup
1 1/2 Tbsp seasoned salt
1/2 tsp liquid smoke
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup white vinegar

Place ribs in gallon freezer bag. Mix together remaining ingredients and pour over ribs. Freeze
When ready to eat, remove from freezer and thaw in fridge for 24 hours. Put in slow cooker on high for 3-4 hours or on low for 6-7 hours.

Sorry didn't get a picture of the finished product but it was really tasty! This would've been easy for me to put together one handed, but it was still nice to know I had it in the freezer ready to go.

The rest of the pictures are from our hike yesterday. Yep, I went on a hike. Probably not the best idea, since I was really tired and sore today. I will blame Reese, he told me it'd be a 10 minute walk each way. Wrong! Either way it was good to get some fresh air and as always, there were BEAUTIFUL views! We hiked down to a beach that had a cabin made out of driftwood. Laura got to see some of Kodiak too, which was great.

What is an ICD?

So here are some pictures to help you picture what this thing is that I just had implanted in me. The first picture is me before the surgery, second was taken yesterday. I'm not sure how big the scar will actually be once the steri strips come off. The next ones are to show you how big this thing actually is. So it's not a pacemaker although it has that capability. It has one lead that goes into my right ventricle. It is looking for my heart to go into an arrhythmia (ventricular tachycardia) which it will then pace it out of. It is also looking for my heart to go into ventricular fibrillation, which it will then deliver a shock to get it into a normal rhythm. The fibrillation is what can kill you. So most the time I won't feel it doing anything! The goal is that I forget that it's even there. It was placed under my pectoral muscle so it shouldn't stick out of my chest, it's more of a recovery period but I think it will be better in the long run. I have the scar which sucks, but it's something I can deal with.

When we flew home from the Anchorage, I had to be patted down. I cannot go through the metal detectors because I'll just set them off and I couldn't lift my left arm up yet to go through the body scanner, so I was patted down. Something I'll just learn to expect when I fly. Apparently I need to stay 24 inches away from slot machines, weird. I have to talk on my cell phone on my right side, which is hard to do since I'm left handed. Otherwise I can do everything I once did. The ICD will be monitored every three months by a machine that is plugged into a phone line and it will communicate with a database. They monitor any activity it's had, battery life, etc. I only need to go into the cardiologist once a year. So living on a remote Alaskan island will be okay :) so that's pretty much it. I am glad it's over with and I don't have to look up against a surgery anymore. I am doing good, just need to take it a little easy which isn't always easy for me to do!

Home

We are home! I feel so much better! I have found that I do best just taking Tylenol! Anything more than that and my stomach hurts and I feel cruddy! I also have found that if I stay seated I feel much better. Walking around the airport and getting on the flight etc was tiring.

Lane is outside playing, Reese and Estelle are in the garage working out and Laura's making dinner. I am sitting on the chair, kind of a change of pace for me, I will enjoy it :)

Tonight

I felt pretty good most the day, now the pain is setting in a little more. My head is pounding from the general anesthesia and I feel like I have strep throat from the breathing tube. My muscle doesn't hurt too bad, every once in awhile it spasms and that hurts. So it might be a rough night, hope not. And the plan is to come home tomorrow afternoon. Hope I feel better by then! Keep praying, I'm not out of the woods yet!

After...

I woke up around 11:30, out of surgery and feeling pretty good. I am in my room now just relaxing, enjoying some pain free time. Pretty sure the pain is still to come. They gave me a bunch if local anesthetic before I woke up so the site doesn't hurt too bad now. The ICD is implanted under my muscle so they had to cut my pectoral muscle. That's the worst of the recovery. I came out if surgery a little emotional about the fact that I actually have this in my body and the fact that I wish my mom could have had one. I am blessed that I know what I know, that this technology is available and that I have wonderful medical coverage and care in this great country of ours :). Pray that I have as little pain as possible and there are no complications. Thanks for all your support and prayers!

Day of

Just getting ready to be checked into the hospital etc. Praying for peace for me and Reese, wisdom of the doctors, and the quality of the devices they are putting in me! I will update when I can, I have no idea what to expect as far as pain afterward...

Enjoying Alaska and a surgery date

All the lights were off downstairs the other night and I was about to go up to bed when I saw a mama and baby deer in our backyard.  We have been seeing lots of deer roaming around but I loved that I could quietly open the sliding door and take pictures from my kitchen!

 We were out for dinner the other night and this big guy was perched outside the window of the restaurant.  Eagles are all over the place up here!

 On Sunday a bunch of people were going to hike up Pyramid mountain.  Reese does this on a weekly basis.  He and his coworkers hike up and ski down.  Reese also takes Lane up there, about half way up for him to snowboard down.  So I am not much of an outdoorsy person or in that great of shape for that matter, but for whatever reason I decided to go up with them.  Three of our friends skied and me and two of the girls snow-shoed up.  I began doubting myself a few times, but I needed to get out of my head and just put one foot in front of the other.  I made it to the top and it was beautiful!

 Here is Reese and I at the top with Anton Larson Bay in the distance behind us.  Reese stayed with me the whole time.  I was the last one to the top but for having a "bad ticker" I still thought that was pretty good.

I had my consultation with my new cardiologist/electrophysiologist in Anchorage last week.  I flew up there for just the day on a Coast Guard C130 plane.  It was quite the experience.  They have a medical flight that goes there once a week which is awesome!  I was anxious to get a second opinion about the defibrillator and just have someone else's take on my situation all together.  Turns out this doctor is on the same page as my San Diego doctors.  He was a really great doctor, I could tell that from the beginning.  He was extremely easy to communicate with and explained things very well.  So I have an appointment to get my defibrillator placed on April 22nd.  I feel good about it.  I prayed that God would speak clearly to me one way or the other whether I should get it or not.  I felt like after my appointment with him, I knew that this was the right thing to do.  I have had doubts because I feel like I am healthy, I have never had any arrhythmia's.  The thing is that no one knows when they could start, I may never have one... or the first one I have could kill me.  After my mom died we always said, "If she would have had a defibrillator she would probably still be alive."  I don't want to have anyone say that about me.  I want to do all that I can.  Don't get me wrong, it's not easy for me to be getting this.  The thought of needing to have my "battery changed" every 10 years bothers me just a bit!  The fact that I will have a device implanted in my chest is weird.  But God's timing is perfect.  I found out that I needed this defibrillator on January 16th, and now almost 3 months later, I am ready.  I WAS NOT ready on January 16th or even a couple weeks ago.  I am now.  Its kind of like climbing that mountain on Sunday, I put one foot in front of the other and eventually I got to the top.  I tripped, I fell, my legs burned and I thought about quitting a couple of times.  But I didn't and I put one foot in front of the other and I got to the top.  It was fulfilling and a beautiful sight.  To some people that mountain wouldn't be that big of an accomplishment (like Reese who has been doing it once or twice a week) but to me it meant something bigger that just hiking up the mountain. It was a symbol of something more, I can do this.