39 + 2

Wow, I am 39 weeks +2 days! I have never been this pregnant before. I prayed that I wouldn't have her before 37 weeks because Case was born right at 37 weeks. But really? I had Reese take this picture of me this morning (actually he took 4 before I liked one enough to post!). My mirror does not make me look this big! This picture makes my stomach look enormous! That must be why people keep staring at me! I have to say I am not that uncomfortable, I am uncomfortable but it could be worse. I still can sleep pretty well at night and that in itself is a blessing. But as time goes by my help is dwindling. Reese's parents leave on vacation soon and Lesha is coming this weekend. I am going to try to be induced before Lesha comes. Pray that they will let me be induced! I don't so much need the physical help, but more the emotional support after I have her. So pray, pray, pray people!

Reese and Lane in Oct. 2007

Today, being Veteran's Day, I am thankful for my man who serves. Not only does he serve, but he is awesome at what he does! It takes a special man to do what he does, one with integrity, patience, and strength of body and mind. He represents all of these things.

Reese and I in May 2009

(and Case is in my belly :)

Lane is 6!

My how time flies! I cannot believe that Lane is 6. I just love his little morning face and messy hair! He is big into Nutella. He wants it on toast every morning. So for his birthday breakfast he had "chocolate toast" with birthday candles in it.
We did not plan a party for Lane. We didn't want to make any for sure plans. So that day while Lane was in school we made a Lego brick cake and went and got some balloons. We also invited a couple of his friends over to play and have cake after school. It was nice and didn't take any planning which was exactly what I needed!

This guitar is Lane's favorite toy right now. His cousin Kai had one when he went to visit him and he thought it was the coolest thing. It plays 3 songs and he has to strum the guitar to make it play the guitar music. We have been rockin' out to Sweet Home Alabama for the last 3 days!
And of course, he loves his Legos. Thanks Hunter and Kristian, this helped mom and dad get off the hook for not getting him any Legos for his birthday :)
Lane was happy that his little sister wasn't born on his birthday. Not much progress to report in that area. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and not much has changed. How long can you be dilated to a 4? I guess I will find out :) Now she is full term so she can come anytime. I really wanted to make it to 37 weeks and now we have! Maybe she will be my stubborn one and go to 40 weeks. I wouldn't be surprised. Thanks for everyone's prayers. I am pretty much out of my funk, I am going to try to get some stuff done with the time I have before she is born.

You know the saying "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it at all." Well, I've been kinda quiet. Most of my close friends and family would say I don't normally live by that rule. I actually say a few too many things that are not nice and are probably better left unsaid. I am sarcastic, and sometimes I don't have a filter and things just fly out of my mouth. This past week I've just been in a funk. I still am. On Monday I had a doctor appointment, I was not quite 36 weeks at the time and already dilated to a 4. The midwife said she wouldn't be surprised if I had her within the week. I had both boys early, Lane at 38 weeks and Case at 37 weeks. As much as I want this little girl to be out of my oh so tired pregnant body, I do not want her to be considered "premature." If I can make it to this Tuesday, she will be full term. We were supposed to go on an all expense paid trip to Disneyland on Thursday-Saturday with Reese's work as a post deployment retreat. I was planning on going even if I just sat in the hotel room, that wouldn't have even been bad since it was at the Disneyland Resort Hotel for goodness sake! The kids had a Mickey Mouse farewell party yesterday with a bunch characters, John Voight was at the dinner on Thursday night. Grrrrrrr, we did not go. It was in this baby's best interest that we did not go. I know myself well enough to know that I wouldn't have just stayed in the hotel room the whole time and would probably have done "too much." I may have put myself into labor and it just would have been too early. Why am I so annoyed by this? I get a baby girl out of this deal! I think I am annoyed because this was not my plan. My plan was to have a 15 month old Case right now. We would have gotten through the deployment as planned and had fun at Disneyland with the family I had planned, Reese, me, our two boys. Don't get me wrong (I am misunderstood often). I am SOOOOO excited to have this baby. This little girl will bring so much joy to our family, I can't wait. God has different plans doesn't He. His plan is the best, whether I like it or not, whether I can see that or not. He promises to give me Peace along the paths HE has laid out for me, I just need to be willing to receive it. I think this baby hasn't come this week because God has a little more work to do in me first, in our family.

I am nervous to bring this baby home. As much as I would like bringing her home to make things "all better," it will not be all better. It actually may be a little worse for awhile. This is not just the normal welcoming another child into our family routine, it involves so much more than that. I can't even describe the emotions I am feeling and I am sure I can't even imagine what is ahead for me. I would love this to be a normal event, but it is not. Please pray, for an uncomplicated labor and birth, a healthy baby, and that we do this adjustment thing in the best way possible.

I have a little boy who is about to turn 6. They could share the same birthday, he is not too excited about that possibility. We are not doing a party for him here but Reese's family did a party for him last weekend while they were up in WA. Poor kid isn't even getting a new Halloween costume, Indiana Jones again this year. He doesn't seem to care though. He is so easy going, something I am so thankful for. We went to the community fall festival on Friday night, he won some billy bob teeth and went on some rides. We thought he was going to throw up on the ride below. Thankfully he did not, he gets car sick easily, I would not have been surprised! Not as good as Disneyland but he didn't seem to care, he still had fun.

35 1/2 weeks and SURPRISE!!

This is me, 35 1/2 weeks. It's been awhile since I've taken a picture and I am asking this little girl "How LOW can you go?" We have a busy next week. I have a doctor appt on Monday, we'll see how close we are then I guess. This time has flown by, I am excited, nervous, but excited. The anxiety has not been bad, not sure why, I think God has given me peace. I don't know how I will be once she is born, but I just pray for more peace as I take one day at a time.
Today I was surprised by a WONDERFUL group of women who I am so blessed to call my friends. They had a baby shower for me and actually pulled off a surprise one! I don't think I've ever been truly surprised like I was today. I have been blessed by some awesome girlfriends. Everywhere I move, God has provided the best of friends. I wish everyone could have been there, but since my friends live all over the country, that wasn't possible. Many took part in it from far away by sending messages that Kelly put in a scrapbook/journal for me and I was blessed by their "presence" in that way. Most of the girls that were there didn't even know each other. Some are neighbors, some are friends through Reese's job, some are internet friends :) And many of them were in cahoots with my sisters to plan this whole thing. How awesome it was to have all these friends from different areas of my life come together.

It has been such a blessing to be pregnant at the EXACT same time as Leah. Same due date, both girls. Can't wait to see these little girls grow together!

And do they know me or what? They had the shower at a tea room! It was very yummy and such a pretty little place!
Thanks girls for a wonderful day.

Our Baby Girl's Room

Well, we finally did it, her room is done. I love it. I've thought about it and planned and brainstormed for about 14 weeks now, since we found out that she is a girl. Finally it all came together and I couldn't be happier with it.
These are just embroidery hoops painted brown with fabric in them. I made a canvas for her, I love the way it turned out, other than the crooked words, lets just say it adds to the whimsical part of the room :) For the flowers I just made them out of fabric and glued them on. I ran across this verse a few times and knew I had to use it over her crib. It means a lot to me and hopefully it will to her too. For me I will look at that every time I lay her down and say to myself "The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save." I hope that by reminding myself of that I will continually put my trust in God, the one who ultimately has control over her little life. I know God takes great delight in her and I think that is something every little girl should know, her God delights in her, He rejoices over her with singing. And what mommy doesn't want their baby quieted when it's time to sleep :) He will quiet her with His love.

Some of the vintage pictures I've had hanging in Lane, Case, and now baby girls room. I am going to start looking on Ebay for some vintage hangers to hang a favorite dress or something from the hooks. For now the bottom hook holds her bathrobe and will probably hold her towels for bath time.
That little lamp above the changing table is a fave in this room. I found it at Grandiflora in Lynden while I was there for the summer. It is old, vintagey and sweet. I knew I had to have it when I saw it. The shelf has our wedding pictures in it :) they will be changed when I get to take some pictures of this little pumpkin.
Oh this wall of pictures! I got all the white frames on sale and I will be putting all black and whites in them. For now I just have the one of Case and one of my pregnancy shots in them. I plan to put one of just her, a family picture, and one of Lane and her in the other 3. I used the knobs that I had Case's name letters hanging from.

I wanted this room to be honoring of Case because it was his room, as well as being her room. His sweet smile in that picture just brightens my day. I included some handkerchiefs that have been given to me. The yellow one in the picture is from my dear friend Kristen. It has Lilies of the Valley on it, she told me that they represent new beginnings (this baby), sweetness (Case was the epitome of sweetness), the return to happiness (letting go of bitterness and sadness and allowing myself to remember Case and be able to enjoy life at the same time), and the virgin Mary's tears (we have both cried tears over the death of our sons). Natalie Grant makes reference to Lilies of the Valley in her song Held. There is another white handkerchief hanging from the other side of the shelf. It was given to me at the funeral by one of my mom's cousins, it was my great grandma Lily's.

We are just about ready for her arrival. I think I will be packing the hospital bag next week. Better to be prepared, when my water broke with Case I hadn't packed yet. Whoops. This pregnancy has flown by, I am over 34 weeks. I haven't taken a picture of myself recently. I guess the bigger I get the less motivated I am to take a picture of myself :)

A Sneak Peek

When Reese got home, I got him started on on a few projects, building these chairs and painting the baby's room. Thankfully, I think he enjoyed doing them and it took up some time since right now he's not doing too much at work. So I had found the plans for these adirondack chairs and Reese got to building. He did a great job and I love how they turned out. We got rid of our old patio furniture this year. It was just too big for our patio and getting rusty which is what all metal objects we own have done since we've moved here. My goal is to make our patio like another room. It is so nice here most the year that we really should spend more time out there. I am not done with this space, but we did get an outdoor rug to "define" the space and I got some mums. I am planning on painting the little table at some point, but for now it's a nice place to sit and read, which Reese has been doing a lot of out there. Now onto the baby's room.
This is just a sneak peek, why, because it isn't done :) I've been doing a lot of sewing. I made this ruffle pillow. I LOVE how it turned out and I just might have a ruffly pillow in every room if I don't stop myself.
I bought some curtain panels from Ikea and had to froo-froo them up and what better way than ric rac and ruffles!

This might be one of my favorite projects, the bunting! Those are all the fabrics I am using in the room. When she has a name, I will sew it onto it. Her name will have to be 7 letters or less I guess. I know I am driving some of you crazy (insert evil laugh). We also have a new paint color on the walls that were once white....pink. I am not an all pink kinda girl. I actually try to find baby clothes that aren't pink, but I am really liking the brown, green, and pink theme. It's turning out to be a little vintage and a little whimsical.

The baby's room has been fun to put together and so sad at the same time. It's meant saying goodbye in yet another way and allowing myself to accept what "will be" a little more. It's been a slow process, one that is not done yet, and it's taken a lot of thought and for me, it has brought on a lot of healing. I am looking forward to it being all done and sharing more pictures soon.

Apple Butter

I have had this apple butter recipe for a while now. It comes from the Gooseberry Patch Slow Cooking cookbooklet. When we lived in WA I started canning. I grew lots of tomatoes and Reese's brother had some property down the street where I grew a bigger garden and used a lot of the fruit from his trees for canning. I canned pasta sauce, salsa, applesauce, apple jelly, pears, pear honey, and pickles. I miss canning. I look back fondly on those days when Lane was just a little guy and I would pull him in the wagon over to Uncle Jo's to harvest what we had grown. And his excitement when he would find red tomatoes on our plants at home. Then when he would go to bed at night I would start canning. I would stay up until midnight sometimes, the kitchen would be steaming from the boiling canner. It was so fulfilling to get done and here the "ping" of the lids sealing as I was cleaning up. Some people probably think I am weird (well those of you who know me well enough know that I am in fact weird). I just think that maybe I was born in the wrong decade or century for that matter :)

To get back to my apple butter....I decided this would be a great way to can something without having a garden or fruit trees. I could just buy 4 lbs of apples at the store. It's a crockpot recipe so the stove didn't need to be on for a long time. I started in the morning and by the time I went to bed that night I had 4 jars of apple butter.

The recipe calls for ground cloves which I didn't have, so I just put 15 whole cloves in and fished them out when I was done. Next time I will buy ground cloves...
From whole Granny Smith apples....
to a cooked, deep brown about 10 hours later. It says to use a food mill to separate the pulp and the solids. I pushed it through a colander, picked out the peels and mashed it up by hand. Next time I will buy a food mill.....
Then I returned the juice and pulp to the crock pot along with the sugar and spices. To cook for another hour. I would have liked it to turn out a bit thicker, so next time I might put it on the stove and simmer it for an hour instead of it just on high in the crock pot.
Ahhhh. The fruits of my labor. I had to cut out some apple images from my new Country Life cricut cartridge for the picture. I am strange.
The apple butter is very yummy on an english muffin with peanut butter. I think it would also be awesome warmed up to use instead of syrup for pancakes or french toast.

Harvest Apple Butter

4 lbs apples, cored and quartered 1 tsp ground cloves

1 cup apple cider 1/2 tsp allspice

2 1/2 cups sugar 4 1/2-pint canning jars and lids, sterilized

1 tsp cinnamon

Place apples and cider into a slow cooker; heat on high setting for 10 hours. Sift through a food mill; return pulp to slow cooker, discarding solids. Add remaniing ingredients; stif to mix. Heat, uncovered for one house; fill sterilized pint jars to within 1/4 inch from the top. Wipe rims and secure lids. Process in a hot water bath for 10 minutes. Makes 4 jars.

On another note, I am 29 weeks pregnant. I have been taking a belly shot every 4 weeks, so at 28 weeks I was supposed to take one and never did. Here is my belly shot, one week late.

Knitting!

Everyone always says how much fun girls are to shop for. That is true and I am sure I will get sucked in in no time. But for now, I just can't seem to stop making things for her. I am in luck because she will be in 0-3 and 3-6 months during the winter months so I get to spend less on yarn and the little sweaters get done faster.

This is my first baby sweater. It was super easy and I got it done in like 8 days. I had some leftover yarn and knit a matching hat.
This sweater was really easy after I had completed the first one. They are similar to make but different. And the matching hat...I LOVE!
The flower just buttons on so I will be making some other colored flowers to match a bunch of different outfits. I may not accessorize much, but this little girl will!

I have done some serious nesting since I got back. I loved my time up there, but I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to do when I got back. I have organized two closets, one being a large walk in storage closet! I have organized a few cupboards and decluttered some areas of the house. I also have been working on some fabric projects. And when I am not doing those things I am laying on the couch with my feet up! I have nested so much that when I went to bring Lane's registration paperwork for Kindergarten, I had shredded all my recent utility bills and had no proof of residency! Thankfully I know the lady in the office and told her how "crazy" I've been, she understood. I guess it could be worse, I could have not been able to find the bills in all my clutter.... Needless to say, I am finally being a more productive person. To me that is so refreshing, it drives me crazy to not get things done, and finally I am.

Random Blogging

After spending two months in WA, we are back! I am happy to be in our own home again and looking forward to getting Lane on a schedule for school. Our time up there was great, lots of time with family and friends, which was awesome! But we were busy, it's time now to settle into a routine again. I've been seeing my life this year in chapters. Sounds weird but I keep thinking of the next chapter in my life. I felt like being in WA would be a chapter for me, one of healing and being around family. Now that I am back we are starting a new chapter, one I am really looking forward to. Lane going back to school will be good for all of us, he needs the routine and I need the time at home to myself before the baby comes. I feel like with every "chapter" God has continued to work in me. I can't believe the difference in me from the time I found out I was pregnant until now. My mind, my fears, have calmed down a lot, not fully, but every little bit helps. I feel ready to do things I didn't know if I'd be ready to do. I feel a bit more like me, and a little normalcy in all of this goes a long way. I am different, I've accepted that, not only have I had to grieve the death of my child, I have also had to grieve my old self and how our family once was. The new isn't bad, but it's different, forever changed.

Here are some pictures that I didn't get to share while I was up there.

Siblings: in birth order from youngest to oldest, there's me smack dab in the middle, not a bad place to be. These girls and guys are my faves!
My 24 week picture. Although I am now almost 27 weeks. :)

Love this picture of Lane on the 4th of July. This was the first year he got to enjoy fire crackers. We've always watched the big one's but we aren't allowed to light them off ourselves in S. California, so this was a highlight! We got to watch the show out at my aunt and uncle's in Sandy Point. The sunset was awesome as you can see.

And in honor of another new chapter, I wanted to post a recipe. Taking pictures of food and posting a recipe reminds me of "me." The bakery at the grocery store I was staying near by had some wonderful macaroons that had chocolate all over the bottom of them. I saw this recipe on Mennonite Girls Can Cook (linked on my blog) and had to make the chocolate version for myself.

Coconut Macaroons

3 cups angel flaked coconut

1/2 cup flour

1/4 tsp salt

1 can sweetened condensed milk

2 tsp vanilla

Some semisweet chocolate chips for melting. I probably melted a 1/2 cup and added a little shortening to it (less than 1 tsp).

Preheat oven to 325. Combine coconut, flour and salt. Stir in milk and vanilla. Drop 1 Tbsp full onto greased baking pan. Bake for 18 min or until golden.

Once cooled, spread melted chocolate all over the bottom and sit upside down to harden.

What We've Been Doing

We went to Vance and Michele's last week. Lane had fun climbing rocks, hitting golf balls, swimming, and exploring. It was great to be there!

Michele also took some pregnancy shots for me. It was fun to get some before my belly gets gigantic :) And I do love how they turned out.
A couple days ago I took Lane out to my dad's. He took his BB gun and we walked around in the fields. They had just cut hay so there were hay bales all around us. Walking around out there always bring back so many childhood memories for me.
And....I have been knitting. I started these socks in January. I bought the supplies while we were still in WA for Case's funeral. I felt like knitting something comforting for myself would be therapeutic, so I got started. I got the first sock done within a couple months, just knitting it here and there. I finally finished the second sock last week, 6 months later. I have thought of them as my Case socks. As I sat and knitted them, I thought of him with each stitch. It's a little warm to be wearing them now, but this fall and winter I will wear them and they will keep my feet as well as my heart warm. I am now onto a sweater for our baby girl which I will share when I am done. I love knitting, it is very healing. When a doctor recently asked me what I am doing to help relieve stress and anxiety, I said "I talk a lot, I journal, and... I knit"

Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice...

....that's what this little girl is made of! Yes, we are having a baby girl! Very exciting and very different from anything I've ever known. I have always pictured our family with three boys, I don't know why, that's just what was in my head. After Case died, I didn't know what my family looked like anymore. When I found out this little one is a girl, I knew God was showing me once more, that my plans are not always His plans, and His are the best plans. Sometimes in life we like to think that we can plan things out, that for the most part if we plan enough, things will go accordingly. Some peoples lives seem to go according to plan, but at some point, everyone has to face the fact that we are not in control. It was very early in my adult life that I realized this. This little girl has confirmed this to me once again. I wouldn't have "planned" for things to go the way they have gone, and I know God didn't want for us to suffer the loss of Case, but I also know that God has great plans for our family. This baby girl is part of His wonderful plan. So now I get to pass on the values that my mom taught me to my own daughter. I get to have a daughter to cook, bake, and be crafty with. What a blessing of hope she has already been to me!

More pictures

This is me at 20 weeks. I am 21 weeks now, growing by the day!
Lane and his adorable cousin, Hazel Jane
10 year reunion! We also had a girls weekend, these girls are the best!
More soon, when I have more time! I have some exciting news......