Where do I go from here?

Just a little over 2 weeks ago I was holding a healthy baby boy. A baby that I had dreams for, a little baby boy that I thought would grow up into a man. As I sit here now, all I can do is wonder. How did this happen to Case? As a mom of two little boys I would think about the bond a mother and son has. I have been blessed to have this with my boys. I had images in my head of my teenage sons, taller than me, coming in the kitchen and giving me a big hug. I knew that God had entrusted me with 2 boys that I needed to raise into good men. As a mom you dream, you plan, you care, and you protect. When everything is ripped from you so suddenly, it's hard to know how to be. Just be....I don't know how to just be. The pain I feel is so much deeper than anything I've ever known. I replay everything in my mind and sometimes that is too much for me to bear. Sometimes, I am okay. I laugh at Lane when he does all his silly things. I don't know what we'd do without him. Sometimes I am just sad, but no tears will come. Sometimes I can't turn them off.

While Case was in the hospital I said over and over again "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I've clung to that verse in so many situations before, but this time I think that's all I had to hold onto. That verse promised me that Case is okay, he's in heaven the safest, best place possible with my mom and with Jesus. And it promised me that I have hope, everything is crashing down right now, but I do have hope. God promises that he has plans for us and I trust that. I don't like it, it makes me mad, I question it, but deep down I trust it.

I am not sure where I go from here. I lean on the Lord, Reese and Lane. Reese has been my rock. Lane has taught me more than he will ever know. A five year old deals with things so innocently and so simply. I will take things one day at a time. My arms are empty, I am supposed to be holding, changing, feeding and snuggling my Case.

Please pray for us. Individually for Reese, me and Lane. For our marriage, for our family, decisions that we have to make. For us to find a church here that we love.

I've been wanting to post this for a couple of days now (that's why the date is 1/27 on the post). I am finding it hard to put into words. Today was a pretty good day. Yesterday was a bad day. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I can't worry about tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who've supported us, all of your prayers, thoughts, and words are so appreciated. I can't reply to everyone right now, just know that we appreciate the love we feel.

Some Pictures and Menu

I am tired. This little stinker in his fancy bath robe kept me up a lot last night. After I started rice cereal he got constipated so last night I gave him the oatmeal cereal and mixed a little prunes in with it. He kept waking up in the night. I don't know if it was that or if he just feels like I feel. I have had a cold and sore throat all week. No rest for mommy's!

Case watches everything Lane does! Yikes!
Case in his new high chair! I got it yesterday. Well the oatmeal and prunes seemed to work. He just woke up from a very short 1/2 hr nap (that's Case's style) and let if fly while sitting on my lap. Too much info?? Now moving on to food :)

I am going to try to do the menu for the week on the sidebar again. When I was pregnant I kind of stopped that because not a whole lot sounded good to me. But anyway here it is again. Until I only have me and a 5 year old to cook for. Then it just isn't that interesting...grilled cheese, tacos, homemade pizza, repeat....

Happy New Year

Case on Christmas Eve (almost 5 months!)

We are back! We were in WA for 2 weeks visiting all of our friends and family up there. It was very fun to see everyone. Lane had so much fun with all his cousins!



Reese had fun hanging out with his brothers and friends. He got to shoot his new gun and I even joined in. I made sure to put on my fancy scarf to shoot in style :)
We stayed at Reese's parents the first week and my dad's the second week. One day we went out and took a walk on my dad's property. A creek runs through it so we went down to check it out. Lane loved exploring down there. And was very into taking a picture of Reese, Case and I. I am excited to take Lane down to the creek this summer and show him all the fun things I used to play down there. I am going to show him my little fort and how I dug up the clay from the creek and made dishes out of it.
We had a great time but we're happy to be back. I am excited to see what 2010 has in store for us! I know there are many challenges facing us with Reese's work schedule. I try not to look at that with dread or fear, but as an opportunity to overcome the challenge. God has such a great plan for each of our lives, even in these years that I know will be hard. I need to trust His plan and look to Him in everything. He has blessed us so richly in 2009, mainly with the birth of Case. Case has reminded me again of how awesome God is. Babies are so amazing and we are enjoying our little guy so much! As I look ahead to the new year my goals are...to get in shape, be more organized and spend more time at home doing what I love, being a wife and mommy. One prayer request I have is that we can find a church we love. I know we belong here and this is where God has placed us, but we are missing a church home. Please pray for us in that area! I hope all of you have a wonderful 2010!