It's been six months today since we had to say goodbye to our sweet Case. I have such mixed feelings as every month passes. Sometimes, I feel like it's good because the more time that passes, the more healing has taken place. But on the other hand, the more time, the farther away I feel from Case. I wanted to think of and remember some of the cute things Case would do. Last night I thought of these santa pictures. This was at a Naval Special Warfare event. All the kids got their picture taken and then they emailed the pictures to us. I remembered that I still had these pictures in an email and hadn't downloaded them. Last night I looked at them again. I thought "oh bummer Case isn't looking at the camera" and then I realized what he was looking at, me. I was standing off to the side taking
my own pictures that I had posted in December. He was looking at me the whole time. This brought tears to my eyes and I was reminded once again of how he looked at me. I miss those little eyes staring at me.
Over the last 6 months, our world has changed. At times I haven't known what to do, sometimes I would just stand in the middle of a room not knowing what to do next. There have been times where I felt God working, His healing, and times when I've wondered if He was even there at all. I cry daily for our little guy. Lane has seen his mama cry more than ever in the last 6 months. He once made the observation that I had black tears, I explained to him that it was just my mascara so he wouldn't worry :) This makes me giggle a little, but it also makes me sad about how many tears he has had to see. He is just a kid, I never wanted him to see this much heartache so early in life. He loved having a baby brother. He told me the other day that the day Case died, he couldn't wait to get home to play with him, and then he followed that by saying, but he had to go to the hospital. My heart broke for him remembering how everyday when we would walk to get Lane from school, Lane would go directly to Case's stoller and touch him with his germy school hands and say "Hi Case." We all miss our Case. I am thankful that Lane is old enough that he'll remember him and that he tell his other siblings about Case.
God had blessed us through our grief and I know that He will continue to bless us. After such a traumatic experience, it's hard to think that anything good could possibly happen, but it has. Life, although sad, has become more precious. And the sweetest blessing through all of this is this baby girl, who has given us hope and joy during a time of darkness.
This journey is far from over, I don't think it will ever be, but I am learning to find joy in life again, and for that I am grateful.
Afterwards we went to the park and had cupcakes. All the kids had a candle to blow out and we sang happy birthday to Case. It was a sweet little party, one that made me happy to have had Case for 5 1/2 months and at the same time so sad that I couldn't throw him a first birthday party the way I had wanted to. We love you sweet Case, I know you are celebrating with Jesus in heaven.
