Sacred Work

I've been wanting to post on my blog for the past year and 3 months and I just haven't.  Fall of 2015 we were hit with some really hard stuff.  I won't go into detail because it's not really my story to tell. But it was hard, hard on our marriage and hard on each of us individually.  It left us with so many unknowns and once again just when I thought things were moving along pretty nicely... bam, another punch in the stomach.  I stopped posting on my blog during that time.  I didn't really know what to say, I still don't.  I've used my blog, my writing, to get through a lot of tough stuff in the past but I have been at a loss.  It wasn't that this was worse than the other things, I think this time I just lost the part of me that is in tune with my feelings.  And I lost my closeness to God.  These are things that I've been working at getting back this past year.

Quote from Hello Dearest article: The Rhythm of Rest.  Spring 2016

So I've been busy doing some sacred work.  Last summer Reese and I had a babysitter and took the sailboat out on San Diego bay for the afternoon.  He did some work on it and I laid up top and read.  I had brought along my MOPS magazine that had been sitting untouched for months.  I read this article by a woman named Leanna Tankersley (who strangely enough lives in San Diego, also has a child named Lane, and her husband has the same profession as Reese).   The article was called The Rhythm of Rest.  It was mostly about finding those things that rejuvenate you, that fill your soul and how doing those things is real rest.  Real rest isn't "checking out" and reading Facebook or watching your favorite show.   The part of the article that really spoke to me was the quote I wrote out above.  A deep and beautiful part of me went dormant and I needed to do the sacred work of waking that up in me again.  I've been trying, sometimes with success, many times without.  I just went to church on Sunday for the second time in over a year and I absolutely loved it.  I have been sewing and crafting while listening to audio books (how's that for killing two birds with one stone).  I've been trying to be prayerful and do a devotion each day, a routine that I am once again out of!

I have learned a lot about myself and searched to find what is most important to make me an all around healthy person.  Reese and my marriage has grown and we are now looking forward to a change of career for him and yes... another move!  One of the things that hit us hard last fall was the realization that Reese needed to get out of the military.  He has taken some hard hits over the years and has had many concussions (mostly going untreated).  So over several months and many (MANY) doctors appointments,  it was made clear to us that he needed to get out.  This is another transition that we need to go through, and I pray that Reese will be happy in whatever is next.  I have been very nervous about it but God has proven faithful in opening doors for us that I would have never even imagined.

Our kids are doing well.  We live in San Diego now and both Lane and Estelle love their schools.  Lane is now 12 and made the big move up to middle school this year!  He has met some wonderful friends and is very active in sports.  He has also picked up playing the ukulele and plays clarinet in band.  Estelle just turned 6 and is a happy, emotional, and very creative kid.  She is enjoying Kindergarten and is learning to read which is so fun!  Ingrid is 2 1/2 and lets just be honest... she might be the real reason I haven't blogged in almost 15 months!  She has really kept me on my toes.  If she can get into something, she will.  She is talking up a storm, loves singing and dancing, and watching Frozen or "GO" as she calls it.  Shoes and babies are also passions of hers.  She tires me out, but she makes all of us belly laugh every single day.

Over the past year we have done some amazing things.  Reese and I took a couple trips by ourselves. Our family took the sailboat to Catalina Island three times, we took a two trips to WA and one to Illinois.  We have now sold the boat in preparation to move away from San Diego, which has been fine with those of us who are prone to getting sea sick.  I will try to post some pictures of the highlights from the past year as well as share our upcoming adventures!

It is no accident (although it happened somewhat "organically") that I am posting again on the 7 year anniversary of Case's death.  Throughout this journey I have tried to look for the blessings and at times this past year it's been hard!  But I have been seeing how God continues to orchestrate things beautifully.  Case gave me that gift 7 years ago.  His death was life changing and so many things about the past 7 years have been hard but if I have eyes to see the gifts, the blessings, I am able to FEEL blessed.

Halloween 2014

 Our annual pumpkin carving.  Lane does his own now, which I love.  Estelle chose a Tiana pumpkin.

 My dork and the lovely queen Elsa.  This is right before we went trick or treating, it snowed earlier in the day and then it poured, it was wonderful...

 A sweet little chili pepper.  I had another chili pepper once too (Link to Case the chili pepper)

 Reese's work had the Halloween party again the weekend before.  The kids had fun and Elsa even had her sister Anna there!!

4 years ago

 Today was the 4 year anniversary of Case's death. We drove out to a beach and lit 4 wish lanterns for Case.  It was such a beautiful night on the beach in the snow.

 Lane stood way out by the water, you can see him in the center of the picture.

It's really hard to believe that it's been 4 years.  Sometimes it seems like longer and other times it seems like it just happened.  The years have not lessened my memories of that day. It was so traumatic, I am sure it will always be vivid in my mind.  We were so blessed to have Case for the short time we did.  What sweet little soul he was, very calm and content.  The wish lanterns are just a little symbol of how we are loving him from here to heaven!

Case's 4th Birthday

 Case's birthday was July 31st.  I didn't get around to posting about it because we left for Washington just a few days later.  I can hardly believe he would be four.  I know a lot of people who have kids Case's age.  When ever I see a four year old, I think of Case.  We miss him everyday, but lately it seems I feel that ache a little more.  There are times when I feel the loss stronger than others, and in recent months that's how I've felt.  We went out that night to Monashka Bay, Reese and Lane fished and then we let four balloons go.

 It was a windy night so those balloons floated away quickly.  This is something we do each year, flying hugs and kisses.

I made lemon cupcakes with lemon cream cheese frosting.  Every year we sing happy birthday and let the kids blow out the candles for their brother.  It's good to remember him in a happy way.  After the cupcakes, Lane started a picture video that I had made of many of the pictures I had of him.  He started it without any of us knowing what he was doing, what a cutie.  Lane has a lot of memories of Case and he likes talking about him and looking at pictures.  I hope he will continue that for Estelle too.  Happy 4th Birthday Case William!

Case's 3rd Birthday

Today was Case's 3rd Birthday.  Hard to believe that he would be three!  Lane was three when Reese went in to the Navy.  He seemed so big and I can't imagine Case being that big.  We sent up flying hugs and kisses to Case tonight.  We all wrote messages on the balloons.  Then we had cupcakes to celebrate Case's birthday.  Estelle really liked licking the frosting off of hers.  

It was great to have Reese here for this.  We all miss Case so much.  I am not sure that our family will ever feel complete without him here.  Lane said that he wanted to write on his balloon "see you soon" because he is going to see him when he goes to heaven.  I hope my kids will always hold on to the truth that we will see him in heaven and what a wonderful day that will be!

It Is Well With My Soul

There has been so much sadness recently.  Yesterday I went to bible study feeling frustrated in my current situation, only to be completely humbled by listening to a few people's prayer requests.  Stories of stage 3 throat cancer found in a young Navy officer with a wife and young kids, a local boy who has been fighting cancer and is now in his last days, the list went on.  I left bible study thankful that my problems seem to be small at this moment.  This week a couple from my home town had to say goodbye to their baby girl who lived less than a month. And today I got news that a girlfriend from high school and her six year old daughter died in a car accident early this morning.  And I can't get the picture out of my head of the cemetery where Case is buried, so many new little ones buried next to him in just two years.  It hits you hard, it put things into perspective again.  Because although through my own sufferings, I would have hoped to gain the perspective to live in the moment and enjoy every second, I forget to do that sometimes.

At this point, what do we do.  When our world is so full of sadness, it seems so hopeless at times.  I was reminded of the hymn, It Is Well With My Soul.  I was told the story of how this hymn was written after Case died.  I thought it fitting for a night like tonight.  I found the history written out on a website:






This hymn was written by a Chicago lawyer, Horatio G. Spafford. You might think to write a worship song titled,
'It is well with my soul', you would indeed have to be a rich, successful Chicago lawyer. But the words,
"When sorrows like sea billows roll ... It is well with my soul”, were not written during the happiest period of 
Spafford's life. On the contrary, they came from a man who had suffered almost unimaginable personal tragedy.

Horatio G. Spafford and his wife, Anna, were pretty well-known in 1860’s Chicago. And this was not just because
of Horatio's legal career and business endeavors. The Spaffords were also prominent supporters and close 
friends of D.L. Moody, the famous preacher. In 1870, however, things started to go wrong. The Spaffords' only 
son was killed by scarlet fever at the age of four. A year later, it was fire rather than fever that struck. Horatio 
had invested heavily in real estate on the shores of Lake Michigan. In 1871, every one of these holdings was 
wiped out by the great Chicago Fire.

Aware of the toll that these disasters had taken on the family, Horatio decided to take his wife and four 
daughters on a holiday to England. And, not only did they need the rest -- DL Moody needed the help. He was 
traveling around Britain on one of his great evangelistic campaigns. Horatio and Anna planned to join Moody in 
late 1873. And so, the Spaffords traveled to New York in November, from where they were to catch the French 
steamer 'Ville de Havre' across the Atlantic. Yet just before they set sail, a last-minute business development 
forced Horatio to delay. Not wanting to ruin the family holiday, Spafford persuaded his family to go as planned. 
He would follow on later. With this decided, Anna and her four daughters sailed East to Europe while Spafford 
returned West to Chicago. Just nine days later, Spafford received a telegram from his wife in Wales. It read: 
"Saved alone."

On November 2nd 1873, the 'Ville de Havre' had collided with 'The Lochearn', an English vessel. It sank in only 
12 minutes, claiming the lives of 226 people. Anna Spafford had stood bravely on the deck, with her daughters 
Annie, Maggie, Bessie and Tanetta clinging desperately to her. Her last memory had been of her baby being 
torn violently from her arms by the force of the waters. Anna was only saved from the fate of her daughters by a 
plank which floated beneath her unconscious body and propped her up. When the survivors of the wreck had 
been rescued, Mrs. Spafford's first reaction was one of complete despair. Then she heard a voice speak to her, 
"You were spared for a purpose." And she immediately recalled the words of a friend, "It's easy to be grateful 
and good when you have so much, but take care that you are not a fair-weather friend to God."

Upon hearing the terrible news, Horatio Spafford boarded the next ship out of New York to join his bereaved 
wife. Bertha Spafford (the fifth daughter of Horatio and Anna born later) explained that during her father's 
voyage, the captain of the ship had called him to the bridge. "A careful reckoning has been made", he said, "and
I believe we are now passing the place where the de Havre was wrecked. The water is three miles deep." Horatio 
then returned to his cabin and penned the lyrics of his great hymn.

The words which Spafford wrote that day come from 2 Kings 4:26. They echo the response of the Shunammite 
woman to the sudden death of her only child. Though we are told "her soul is vexed within her", she still 
maintains that 'It is well." And Spafford's song reveals a man whose trust in the Lord is as unwavering as hers 
was.

It would be very difficult for any of us to predict how we would react under circumstances similar to those 
experienced by the Spaffords. But we do know that the God who sustained them would also be with us.

No matter what circumstances overtake us may we be able to say with Horatio Spafford...







When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Two Years

It has now been two years since Case's death. The last couple weeks I have really been reflecting on the time we had with him. I have really wanted to remember the "little things" surrounding Case's life and death. There were so many things that seemed to just happen by chance, but when you take the time to look at how God works everything into His plan you can see that the "little things" have made all the difference. Be forewarned that this is a long one, I could go on and on, but here is a few of those things.

Beginning with his life, God gave us 3 extra weeks with him. He surprised us 3 weeks early on July 31st. When I think about the short 5 1/2 months that he lived, I realize what a blessing those 3 (extra) weeks were.

Lane and Case were 4 1/2 years apart. We waited so long to have another baby, because of timing and Reese going into the Navy, we waited. God blessed us with Case at just the right time. We were so ready to have him, he was so wanted in our family.

Another thing that didn't just happen by chance was the fact that I was able to have a regular birth with Case. I had a c-section with Lane. I wanted so bad to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with Case, but me and the doctors could not get the operative report from the hospital I had Lane at so they would not let me do it. One week before I had Case I went in for my c-section consultation. The OBGYN who I had never seen before asked me why I wanted to have another c-section. I explained what was going on. Then she pulled the operative report right out of my file and said "No, it's right here, you can have a VBAC." That piece of paper we had tried to hard to get had shown up some how. I knew that was a blessing then because it made for a less complicated delivery, but after Case died I realized that even more. I was able to give birth to Estelle safely only 15 months after I had Case and I am not limited to only having 3 c-sections which is what's recommended. God knew what he was doing.

Case was such a mellow baby. He slept well and was content. I was able to truly enjoy Case while we had him, I know God wanted that for us. It was such a blessing that I wasn't always stressed out or sleep deprived while he was alive. Case was easy to love. When you have a second child, you always question whether you can love another child as much as you love the first. Case taught us how much love we had to give. It wasn't until he died that I truly felt the intensity of how much love I had for him, I couldn't give that to him in the physical sense anymore and it was like I could burst because I didn't know what to do with that anymore.

God knew that we were going to need Lane through this. Lane gave us hope, a reason to not fall apart. Lane was 5 when Case died. It's funny how a 5 year old remember things that we didn't. One day he started talking about the giraffe that Case loved. Reese and I just kind of humored him, not remembering any giraffe. It wasn't until a month later when I got Case's car seat out for my niece Hazel to use and in that car seat was a toy giraffe that would hang from Case's car seat. Then I remember, he used to bat at that giraffe in the car and smile.

We wrested so much with sending Lane to Kindergarten in 2009, but we ended up doing it. He was really young for his grade. God had a plan though. I thank the Lord everyday that Lane was at school the day Case died. Never would I have wanted him to see that. He was able to see Case later on in the hospital that day when we had time to say goodbye to him and things were calmer. He put a little sticker on Case's hand. He was such a good big brother to him. In February after Case died we pulled Lane out of school and sent him to Kindergarten the next fall.

None of my kids have had much hair when they were born. But Case had a little tuft of hair on the top. The Lord even had a plan in that. When Case died, one of the nurses put a blue bow around it and clipped it off for us to keep. That little tuft of hair is so special to me.

God even had a plan in the 1970's. My mom's brother was only 5 when their sister Laurie died in a car accident. When Case died, I didn't know how to help Lane with grieving and what was appropriate for him to see, etc. I asked my uncle Jeremy and my Grandma some questions about what they remembered when he was 5 and going through similar circumstances.. His answers helped a lot in the decisions we made for Lane. Little did anyone know back then that through their grief, God was also preparing them to help us through our grief in 2010.

I was so sad that I didn't have my mom to help me through Case's death. She would have been a great support. And then one day I stopped and realized, she was there for me. As soon as Case got to heaven he was in Grandma Karen's arms. She was holding him when I couldn't. God knew that would comfort me.

The week after Case died, my Grandma Alma saw two doves at her bird feeder. She had never seen a dove at her house since they lived there (which was around 50 years I think!). She took it as a message to us that Case and my mom were together in heaven, in perfect peace. Doves are a symbol of hope and peace and are used as messengers.

Reese's work schedule is crazy. We never know in advance when he will be home. But God knew right were he needed to be on January 12th, 2010. He was at work just a few miles from where they took Case to the hospital. He was there when the ambulance arrived. I don't know what I would have done without him there.

My friend Elaina was on her way to our house that day. We had planned to go out for coffee. She was able to be at the hospital and to get Lane from school and bring him to the hospital when it was the right time. I know that day was really hard for her and for her sake I wish she wouldn't have had to see and experience all of it. But God knew that I would need her here. She was a blessing to us that day, she was good to Lane and stayed with us until that night.

I met Kristen through Case's death. She is a very empathetic friend. It was through her that I went to the Women of Faith conference and heard Natalie Grant sing "Held." A song near to my heart that was played at Case's funeral. As I sat there in that stadium listening to her sing, tears rolling down my face, I knew that this did not happen by chance.

I have met so many wonderful people through the loss of Case. Other mommy's who have lost babies, who have shared their stories with me have become an inspiration and a source of hope for me. God has placed these people in my life for a reason.

God has spoken to me through His word or through books countless times. As I rode in the ambulance that day Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Even then I knew God had a plan in this. I don't know what it is. I have been very angry that Case's death was in the plan for us. But if I choose to see how "God works for the good of those who love him," it gives me comfort. It shows me that Case's life and death were not in vain.

I am not okay, my heart is still broken and sometimes I feel a lot of anger and sadness. But I think in order to have hope we need to look for those "little things." We need to stop, be quiet, listen and see what God has done and is doing.

When I found out I was pregnant with Estelle just two months after Case died, I was excited and scared. But we had prayed and God gave us Estelle because it was in His timing. I knew from the time I found out I was pregnant that if she was a girl her middle name would be Hope. My broken heart was given HOPE.

I pray that you can look for the little things that God has given you. Those things that to the world may seem small, but these things can make all the difference if you allow them too. We miss Case so much. We would love to have a 2 1/2 year old running around our house right now. Thank you for all the thoughts, kind words, prayers, cards, etc that have been sent our way. It is so much appreciated!

"Merry" Christmas

Our Christmas was a good one this year. It is fun to be with family and friends and especially fun to watch Lane and Estelle have so much fun. Estelle mostly loved the attention she got and the wrapping paper and ribbons. Of course Lane had a blast with all his cousins and was excited about all the new toys!

As the time passes, I think more and more of how different Case would be. He would be a big boy now at 2 1/2! I watch my niece Hazel who is only a few months younger and try to imagine what he'd be doing now. I'm reading a book on grieving and tonight I read this poem in it I thought it was very fitting for Christmas night.

"Merry" Christmas

I question if Christmas can ever be merry

Except to the heart of an innocent child

For when time has taught us the meaning of sorrow

And sobered the spirits that once were so wild,

When all the green graves that lie scattered behind us

Like milestones are marking the length of the way

And echoes of voices that no more shall greet us

Have saddened the chimes of the bright Christmas Day

We may not be merry, the long years forbid it,

The tears that have brought us such manifold smarts,

But we may be happy, if only we carry

The Spirit of Christmas deep down in our hearts.

Hence I shall not wish you the old "Merry Christmas"

Since that is of shadowless childhood a part

But one that is holy and happy and peaceful,

The Spirit of Christmas deep down in your heart.

- author anonymous

Whatever you may be struggling with this Christmas it is my prayer that you can carry the true Spirit of Christmas in you heart.

This Christmas...

Christmas has always been a happy time in our house. Our family really likes to decorate and watch Christmas movies, etc. This year I have tried to read more Christmas books to the kids and for the first time I have a nativity set. I got the Little People one, because Estelle really likes Little People. I have been baking a ton, and even having a couple people over for a little Christmas dinner. I do love this season and everything that comes with it, even if it is a little stressful. I am also trying to teach Lane a more and more about what Christmas means. This age is so fun, he just soaks everything up!

A couple nights ago we went to Hotel Del Coronado to go ice skating. Reese and Lane ice skated, Estelle and I watched. It is so beautiful there. They have the hotel all lit up and gorgeous trees decorated perfectly.

Estelle is now 13 months old. She had her 12 month check up last month. She is 23 lbs and almost 30 inches. She is so so funny. She isn't much into walking, she is content to walk along the floor on her knees. I haven't seen a kid do that before, but that is how she gets around a lot of the time. My tree is a mess, Estelle re-decorates it on a daily basis. We also have a train track around the tree that gets torn apart and put back together 100 times a day. The joys of having a 1 year old. It doesn't stop me from having it all out though, she will learn :)

This is also the season that we had Case. From July 31st on I think of what we were doing with him at that time of year. How he was about 4 weeks old when we brought Lane to his first day of Kindergarten. Case was with us when we took a trip to the pumpkin patch. He was a chili pepper for Halloween. We took him up to WA at Thanksgiving and everyone got to meet him. Then there was Christmas time in Washington, his first and only Christmas. And then we took him back to our home and 12 days later he was gone. The last few days I have been overwhelmed with memories of him. A lot of them happy sweet memories of him, but I also have been remembering the painful memories too. The day of his death is so vivid in my mind. I think this time of year will always trigger these memories more than the rest of the year does. I have learned to allow myself to really take them in and work through the pictures in my mind. I read in a book that when a traumatic experience happens, it's like a bomb goes off in your brain, scattering bits and pieces of the experience all through out it. Sometimes those bits and pieces pop up unexpectedly, sometimes you can predict them coming. The important thing for me to do it work through them as they come, in the best way I know how.

This year I look at my two healthy children that we are raising here on this earth and I think of the sweet baby boy that I am loving from here to heaven and I am thankful. I am thankful that God sent his Son, so that we can have HOPE!

Paying Attention to What God is Saying

I feel vulnerable. Ever since Case died I have felt more anxiety than I've ever felt in my life, like at any moment something else can happen. So I brace for it. In the over year and a half since his death I have gotten so much better. I can feel myself relaxing, but then something will happen. A natural disaster, a threat to our country, a threat to my community and my family because of my husbands job. A lot of people live their lives thinking it won't happen to them. But I guess I can't tell myself that, it can happen to anyone, that is the scary reality. In my life I have been called a worry wart but my response to that would be, "no, I am a realist." I know what it feels like to have something ripped from you, my mom and then my son, amongst other smaller losses. Sometimes I wonder if God is really there. But then He usually speaks to me through something. Today He spoke to me through my devotional, which I almost just skipped reading all together. But I decided to pay attention to what God was saying, and I am glad I did.

Since we are His children, we will share His treasures-for everything God gives to His Son, Christ, is ours too. But if we are to share His glory, we must also share His suffering. Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory He will give us later. Romans 8: 17-18

Here is the part of the devotion that stood out to me:

"Does it sometimes seem as if you've lost everything dear to you, and do you wonder what else is going to be taken from you? Someday each one of us will leave this earth and let go of everyone we have loved and everything we have enjoyed. We'll be left with only our eternal inheritance. But Paul has done the math, and by his careful calculations he assures us that what we suffer here is nothing compared to the glory of our eternal inheritance. NOTHING. It seems a stretch to us from where we sit. But if you don't trust his calculations, if you do not highly value your eternal inheritance, you will overvalue what God has given you on earth and your grip on it will become a tyranny to you. But as you value the privilege of being an heir with Jesus, you will begin to live like the glory he will share with you one day is worth everything it may cost you. You will see your suffering as a severe mercy that keeps you from falling more deeply in love with the comforts, securities, and pleasures of this world so you can anticipate more fully a rich and rewarding inheritance in the next."

I honestly don't know if I can take anymore heartache, but I am reminded today that if I grip too tightly, it will control me. I will do anything to protect my family, my children. But I need to do what I can and leave the rest to God. And trust that in the end we will enjoy a indescribable inheritance together.

Lane, Mommy, and Estelle 4/2011 (Andrea Gallagher Photography)

Daddy, Case, and Mommy 12/2009

Case's 2nd Birthday

We made cupcakes for Case's birthday again this year. It was wonderful to have Reese with us to do it this year too. We sang happy birthday and blew out his candles for him. Lane loves this part. I will do this every year, to recognize Case as a part of our family, our son and the kid's brother. I look forward to the coming years when we can talk to Estelle and any other children we might have about Case while we have his birthday cupcakes.

Silly boy Lane blowing out the candle.

We got back from being in Ketchikan AK last night. We have been there twice before with my sister Michele and her family and when we found out we had the opportunity to go again, Reese jumped on the chance to go. For Reese and Lane this is the perfect trip, a cabin on a lake, fishing, hiking, all those outdoorsy things. For me it's a chance to relax and enjoy the beauty of Alaska, and hang out with Michele. The only problem was, it is no place for a crawling baby. So I told Reese I didn't think we could go. Then my great friend Kristen, insisted that she watch Estelle for 5 days while we go. I didn't think I could do it. I did it, and Estelle did awesome! I will share more about the trip soon.

So on the morning of Case's 2nd birthday, I left Estelle for the first time overnight, for five nights! We got up to the cabin in the evening. Ever since I watched the movie Tangled, I wanted to do the Chinese Wish Lanterns for Case's birthday. Alaska was the perfect place to do it, over the lake and no fire danger (like in S. California). We let two of them go, they were so beautiful!

There are so many things I have in my head that I want to say about Case. How much I miss him, how much we have missed in the last 18 months. Crawling, walking, talking, being a little stinker, I grieve that I can't see Case doing those things. All the things that I am watching Estelle doing now, I realize again that I didn't get to see Case doing that.

Sometimes I think that my grieving is a selfish thing, all the things that I've missed. Then I feel bad for Case, like I've made it all about me. It's a very strange thing. But Case is in heaven and he doesn't need all the things that this world gives us anymore, he is in perfect peace.

Alaska gave me a little taste of that peace. God uses nature to speak to us, we just need to choose to see it and listen. Where we stayed is very untouched, nothing but a few cabins and a whole lot of quiet, peaceful nature. Nature screams at you there. The last couple times when we went, it was while we were living in Washington, in the country. This time, coming from the city, it spoke to me more, or maybe I've just become more willing to listen. I haven't had a lot of peace lately, I haven't been inspired to write or read my bible or pray. I have been empty, felt alone. Being in Alaska gave me inspiration. I was able to step back and think, Estelle didn't need me so I was free to do that with little interruption. While we were there, I was reading a book when this verse spoke to me.

“But ask the animals, and they will teach you,
or the birds in the sky, and they will tell you;
or speak to the earth, and it will teach you,
or let the fish in the sea inform you.
Which of all these does not know
that the hand of the LORD has done this?
In his hand is the life of every creature
and the breath of all mankind."

Job 12: 7-10

The Lord has it all in his hand, it is hard for me to look at the beauty of nature and think any differently. We were certainly blessed by this trip, and by Kristen for watching Estelle.

Happy Birthday sweet Case. I can't wait to hold you again someday.

Over the Years

Last week Thursday, Reese and I celebrated our 10 year anniversary. Normally, 10 years is a great milestone, but for me it felt like a huge accomplishment. Our marriage started out with Reese just finishing Marine Corps boot camp and me grieving the death of my mom just 2 months earlier. We were just 19 and we started out with some big "things" and it didn't stop there. We got married June 2, 2001 during peace time. Then came September 11th, we had no idea what that meant for Reese, for us. We went through an 11 month deployment to Japan and another 7 month deployment to Iraq while I was pregnant with Lane. From there we moved to Sumas, WA for three years before Reese went into the Navy. I must say that our marriage has been given many challenges. Being in the military is hard, the divorce rate is huge, especially in Reese's line of work. We have been separated a good part of the last 10 years. We joke that that is the reason we are still married :) We went through another deployment last year while I was pregnant with Estelle.

We have been blessed with three wonderful children. But the loss of Case has been so hard on us, on our family. We will forever be missing a part of our family.

I wanted to post pictures of us over the years. Mainly for me to have them all in one place, but also because I am proud to have reached this 10 year accomplishment together. The odds have been against us, but we have made it through and plan to continue.

2003 was the year I got a digital camera, so the rest of the pictures start there :)

Twenty Nine Palms, June 2003
Joshua Tree National Park June 2003
Old Town San Diego, January 2004
Welcoming Reese home from Iraq, September 2004
A trip to San Diego for a Marine Corps memorial service April 2006. This was the trip that got Reese thinking about the Navy.
Alaska 2006
Alaska 2007
San Diego, after finishing Hell Week, April 2008
San Diego, July 4, 2008

Graduation 2009, pregnant with Case

December 2009

Welcoming Reese home from Iraq again, pregnant with Estelle, September 2010

April 2011