Ingrid Faith
1 month
2 months
3 months
4 months
5 months
6 months
7 months
8 months
9 months
10 months
11 months
Almost 1 year old
I have recently reflected on this past year since Ingrid is turning one. This girl has been such a light in my life. A light I've needed during some very dark moments. When I found out I was in heart failure 2 months after she was born, of course it runs through everyone's mind, although I know they wouldn't ever say it to me, what if she would've never gotten pregnant to begin with? Would she not have heart failure? Of course that ran through my mind, you always go back and question things like that. That would last a split second until I looked at Ingrid and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that she is meant for great things and that she is here for a divine reason.
I shared my story with my MOPS group in March and I went over a timeline of the past 15 years of my life and how I had seen God work in my life. While I was preparing for it, I reflected on events that had taken place, the decisions I made and what came from those decisions. It is interesting how when we take time to reflect we are able to see God's hand at work. And yet we still worry and fret over every little thing today, when we know He always has and always will have it under control.
When we made the decision to have Ingrid I had some major reservations for the 4-5 months leading up to it. We had 3 months to try because I knew I needed to go to WA to have her and that needed to be during the summer so Lane wouldn't miss school. One month before we needed to try a calm washed over me and I knew we needed to do it and I had a peace that if it didn't work that I'd be content with just having 2 kids here on earth. My cardiologist was more than supportive and he sat in the room and talked with me about it well past the time the clinic closed and I walked out while the janitor was vacuuming the waiting room floor. I was ready.
Fast forward to November 2013, we had just had Estelle's birthday party here. Everyone had left and I just told Reese that I was going to test early. I ran to the store got a test and it came back positive. I cried. Reese asked me if I was crying because I was happy or sad. I said I didn't know, I was scared but I also knew that it was the right thing.
My pregnancy went well, I scared some doctors around here because I have an ICD and I was pregnant, but they soon figured out that I was healthy and doing well. No complications and I left at the end of June at 36 weeks for Bellingham. I saw a cardiologist in Bellingham as a precaution, he said I looked great. I was induced on my due date and a few hours later Ingrid was born. I had a totally natural birth and I must say I rocked that labor and delivery like I never had before :) Ingrid was perfect and I knew she completed our family. And then 2 months later I find out I am in heart failure.
Ingrid has brought so much joy to our family. She was motivation for me. I had to get better, I needed to watch her grow. In the beginning I really didn't know how it would all turn out. I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I had fear that I wouldn't see my girls graduate or be able to see my grand kids. I know none of have that guarantee but it was a real fear for me. But over time my mind calmed down, my cardiologists were confident and God gave me peace that it would all work out according to plan, just as it always does. I would hold Ingrid a little longer than I needed to after she fell asleep. I always fed her bottles and cuddled her instead of ever propping them. She is almost one and I still snuggle and feed her. I held her just a little tighter and God used her to comfort me. She rolled with everything. I had to quite nursing over night because of all the medications I had to start and she just started drinking formula like nothing ever changed. She slept well so that I could sleep well and she's always had the biggest smile that could take all my sadness away.
The past year has held fear, sadness, confusion and it's been hard on our family and marriage, but it has also held greater joy and greater celebrations. I had to resist bursting into tears and high fiving the doctor at my appointment in March when I found out I was up to 40-45%. My "over saddened" self also wanted to "over celebrate" my victories. I recently told someone that I've taken on the Y.O.L.O. (you only live once) attitude... I was being silly, but seriously... I kinda have.
I am thankful for the growth that has taken place, for the healing, and most of all, I am thankful for my munchkins here on earth and in heaven. And how God had a plan with bringing Ingrid into our family and as we watch her grow through the years I know that will become more and more evident.
