Reminders of Him

This past month I've been a little absent on here. We have had family come and visit and we've been enjoying our time we have with Reese. I've had this post in my head for awhile. Just to write it out is healing yet it takes a lot... these pictures are very personal and special to me.

This is the chair in Case's room. I fed him here and did a lot of snuggling with him in this chair. This chair is now a place where every morning I have my coffee and meet God. I pray, I read, I journal. This has been a healing chair for me, one that is full of tears as well as memories.
This is Case's dresser. It is full, full of 6/9 month clothes. The week before he died I had taken out all the 3/6 month clothes and replaced them with these. Some still have the tags on.
These are Case's diapers. Size 3.
The hospital made these tiles for us. I treasure these last footprints and handprint I have of my sweet little guy.
His laundry. I have yet to wash it. It's been such a reminder of how very real and here he was. These were the last clothes he wore, I look at them and remember where we went when he wore them. How do I wash these?
I made this for Case's room last fall. It is Hannah's Prayer. I did pray for Case. We waited so long to have him. He was so welcome in our family, we waited for him and he had made our little family feel complete for the time he was here. God granted what I asked of Him, even though Case was only here for a short time, he blessed us for a lifetime.
I made these letters for Case's room last fall too. I love his name. We had a hard time choosing a name for him, but once he was born he was Case. I never thought twice about his name after he was born and I LOVED his name.

When we were still at the hospital I said to one of the nurses, how am I supposed to go home and see all of his things and go in his room? I was afraid of the emotions that they would bring. I got home and I took comfort in those things. I still take comfort in sitting in his room. I thought it would be a very sad place, that is where I found him. In the weeks after his death I realized that for me that may be a very sad and scary place. That was the most scared and helpless I have ever felt. But I don't need to think of his room that way. For Case, that was the place where he was met and carried into heaven. I don't know if Jesus took him by the hand or if it was an angel, but I do know that it wasn't a scary thing for him. It was peaceful and when he got to heaven there was rejoicing. That is why I take comfort there. I believe that God meets me there everyday, renews my strength, hope and courage to keep going. This is very personal to me, but it is so very real, and that is why I share.

Easter Getaway

This weekend we took off to Palm Springs and spent two nights there. Lane loves climbing around in Joshua Tree National Park and swimming so we took him to do both. Saturday we went up into the park and stopped off in 29 Palms where Lane was born. We only stayed there long enough to get cash out and some snacks and off we went up into the park. I was hoping that the park would be blooming. It was a little bit. Most of the Joshua Trees were blooming which is a big thing up there! We let Lane jump around on the big jumbo rocks and then we hiked to Barker Dam, which had quite a bit of water in it. Later that day we went swimming and today we went up the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway for lunch and a great view of the Coachella Valley before coming back home.

Blooming Joshua Tree
Barker Dam
Lane loves to swim.

We came back and Lane did a little egg hunt by himself. Nothing like a lone egg hunt, but he had fun finding ALL the eggs.

I knew that Easter was going to be a hard day for me. That's one reason why we did our little trip. Easter has taken on a new meaning to me. I know the pain of seeing my own son die, I understand so much more what a sacrifice it was for God to send his own Son to die for us. Never has the meaning of Easter been more real to me.

March 25th marked 9 years since my mom died. Another hard day, but different now. Over the years I have become so thankful for my mom. She taught me so much. She was an amazing Christian influence in my life. The thing I am most thankful for recently is that she taught me how to be a good wife and mom. I am so thankful that Case has her and she has Case in heaven, although honestly, I'd rather have them both here. At one point after Case died I had a very real image in my mind of my mom running as fast as she could to the gates of heaven to sweep Case up into her arms when he got there. It brings me to tears everytime I think of it.

The last couple weeks, I have grown impatient with my grief. They say that happens. I know that it will never go away and that I won't feel better for a long time, but I am tired of feeling sad. I used to be a productive person, now I can't seem to get much done. I used to feel happy and sometimes I do, but not without an underlying sadness. It's normal to feel this way, I know, but I am tired of it.

I hope everyone had a good Easter. What a wonderful gift we've been given, hope, forgiveness, grace. I will not squander that away, I will be thankful for Jesus' life and death and resurrection. Because of His sacrifice, I have the hope that I will one day see my sweet boy again.