I'm Still Here

Yep, I am still here just a little lacking in the blog department. Last week we got back from WA. Reese's brother Mason and his new wife Amanda got married on the 13th. Reese was a groomsman and Lane was the ring bearer. He was so cute as you can see in the pictures. We got there the Tuesday before the wedding and on Wednesday Lane ran into one of Lesha's countertops, cut his eye, and by the next day he had his very first shiner! Just in time for the wedding. Isn't that how it goes though? I thought it made him even cuter, such a boy. As you can tell by the pictures he had his hands in his pockets much of the time. It was good to be up there for a week and see our family and friends. It was good to get home too.

It's been over 2 months since Case died. We're missing him so much, mostly I think of all the things he'd be doing by now. We still have so much ahead of us. All those firsts, his first Easter in just a couple weeks, my first mother's day as a mom who has lost a child...it's a long road. I just started reading the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. It says that when you lose a baby, you mourn the future so much, watching him grow up, the family vacations, the holidays. As soon as I got pregnant I started imagining our family as a family of four, my thoughts, expectations, dreams only grew from there. When he was born and we found out he was a boy, as he grew and turned into his own little person with such a unique personality. A baby gives you so much to look forward to, all of that was taken away so quickly.

I've grieved the loss of my mom, that was so hard, it still is. Grieving the loss of my child is different. There are things I never experienced when my mom died that I am experiencing now. The thing you can pray most for me right now is my fears, that God can meet me in these fears that my mind is coming up with. That I would trust God and not fight or wrestle with these fears, just trust. I won't go into a lot of explanation, and no I am not going crazy :) My mind, my body has suffered a huge loss, a scary loss and I am simply reacting to that.

Lane's First T-ball Game

Lane had his first game last Saturday. It was absolutely hilarious! No matter where the ball went, all the kids ran after it, except for the two girls on the team, they were talking. Reese is helping coach so that is really cool for Lane. His team is the Red Sox, there uniforms are adorable!

Lane running to home.
Of course the team cheer!

They had practice today. I was helping field the balls while the kids practice hitting. I'm not one for bragging about my kid, but he's got some heat behind those balls he's hitting! His little stance is so "professional" too.

It's times like those t-ball games that help me get through. I was laughing my head off and was so proud of Lane and the great kid he is. He's been through so much in his short 5 years and I am so proud and relieved that he is doing so well. He hasn't talked a whole lot about his sadness, but today he told me twice that he was feeling pretty sad. He misses having a little brother and he's said before that he's "alone" now. Poor little guy. Praying that he can get through this in a healthy way. I am still feeling so good about our decision to take him out of school. He hasn't asked once to go back and I know the best place for him right now is with mom and dad!

Lane's first t-ball game from Natasha Heeringa on Vimeo.