A poem and a little bit of my heart

I want to share with you a poem I found looking at another couples blog who recently lost their sweet baby girl. I don't know them or the author personally, but I know a little bit of their heart, because I too am suffering a loss like they have. The poem is so true. I guess it also comforts me a little bit knowing that others are going through or have gone through this too. I wish this never happened to any of us, it's not right or natural, but since it did happen, it gives me comfort that they are feeling the same things I am feeling.

This poem was written by a mother of a premature baby who died of pneumonia at 17 months. The authors name is Heather Spohr.

There is a lot of pressure that comes with grieving.
Every day, we get watched, observed, sized up.
People are constantly looking to us to set the tone.
We can hear them holding their breath,
waiting for us to smile, or laugh, or cry.

We are also holding our breath
waiting to see how people will react to us.
If we laugh, will people think we’re being disrespectful to our son?
Because sometimes we laugh.

If we cry, will we make people feel awkward?
Because we cry, a lot.
If we smile, will people think we’re okay?
Because we’re not okay.
We’re not better, or fixed, or over it.

It’s this constant up and down
like a thermometer…rising and falling.

But most of all, we put pressure on ourselves.
We get tired of crying, but we feel guilty if we don’t.
We miss hearing his voice
but just the sound of it can throw us into utter despair.

Our friends invite us to things.
We want to be with them.
But sometimes it’s just too much.
We hope they keep inviting.
We hope one day it won’t be too much.

Grief is a dance we don’t know the steps to
but we shuffle along, trying not to mess up.

Here is a family picture that was taken at Christmas. How I miss those simpler times with that sweet baby in my arms. We tried yet another church today. It was good, I think it's been my favorite out of all of them, all seven that is :) I don't think we are too picky, but it's good to be a little picky. I need to be fed at the church I attend and I also need to be able to see myself serving a purpose there. Then there is Reese's expectations of a church and if Lane likes it etc. God has a place for us...praying that he'll show us where that is.

Case would be 7 months old today. Would he be sitting up? Would he be trying to crawl? Would that first tooth have broke through yet? Every part of me aches to see him do those things. The harsh reality that hits me straight in the stomach is that there isn't anything else I can see, nothing more I can put in his baby book...that hurts so much it can literally take my breath away. Please pray that God gives me enough comfort and peace to get through those really sad times, the hit in the stomach, that can come over me so strongly some days.

Changes

This past week we've have some change. We finally decided to take Lane out of Kindergarten. He's very young for his grade and we had thought about doing a second year of Kindergarten anyway. When Case died, one of my first reactions was to take Lane out of school. We thought about it for a month and decided last week. We are happy with our decision. It gives us more time to enjoy our little man (and I mean little MAN!). And it gives us more time together as a family since Reese will be home until May. We've been doing a little "homeschool" The usual workbook stuff, some science experiments, and museum trips. I know Lane is enjoying it and so are Reese and I.

My friend Lindsey also came to visit over the weekend. We had a good time, she got to meet a lot of our friends down here and see a little more of the city. On Sunday morning we went on a Harbor Cruise while enjoying brunch! Fancy smancy.

Lane at the air and space museum today
Lindsey and I on the California Spirit.
One of Lane's science experiments, the classic vinegar and baking soda volcano.
Reese and Lane at the fountain at Balboa Park.
Lane started T-ball last week too.

I wanted to post some of what we are doing. We are all learning how to do things a little differently. I am learning to function with a constant underlying sadness and emptyness inside. Sometimes I do well with that, other times I don't. Twice now in a store, I've heard a baby crying and I start crying myself. Today it happened in the grocery store. It was all I could do to not pick up that baby out of her stroller with tears streaming down my face. I miss my baby so so much. It's been 6 weeks since I've held him. I know time will heal my heartache but until then I trust God to get me through each day.

Valentines Day

We've had a pretty good day. We went to church and then went to Joe's Crab Shack for lunch. I made some Valentine's day cupcakes for Lane. We're trying to do these things for Lane and it helps us too. Valentines Day, love day, just isn't complete with out my little love Case. In honor of Valentines Day and of Case, I want to share a song with you that I would always sing to Case, and sometimes Lane would join in too.

1,2,3 Jesus loves me

1,2 He loves you too

2,3,4 He loves you more

than you've ever been loved before

5,6,7 I'm on my way to Heaven

8,9 It's truly divine

8,9,10, it's time to end

but there's time to sing

it again....

and on and on we'd go. This song was a fun song to sing, Case liked it and would always give me a big smile. Lane would try to sing too, but didn't know all the words. Now this song has taken on new meaning to me. It talks about how Jesus loves you more than you've ever been loved. As Case's mom, who could love him more than I do? Well, that song answers my question. Jesus can love him more than I can. Doesn't seem possible, but Case is feeling that love right now. When I sang, 5,6,7 I'm on my way to Heaven, I had no idea how soon that would be for Case. But I am thankful for this little song and all the promises it holds in just a few words. I know that when I get to heaven Case will teach me all the songs he's learned up there.

His Eyes

I miss Case's eyes. His bright, wide open, taking everything in, blue eyes. This is the only picture I have of him looking at me. It's such a silly picture that Lane took of us just the week before Case died. Case would look at us, not just like any baby looks at you. I mean he looked right at us. He followed us across the room with his eyes, he would stare at Lane while he was in the same room as him. Everyday I would walk Lane to school and push Case in the stroller. He would stare at me the whole way. My friends would comment on how he would just stare at me the whole time. The weekend before Case died, we were out talking to our neighbors. She made the comment that she couldn't believe the way he looked at me. She said "my girls never looked at me like that" Maybe he was memorizing us. Maybe he just loved us as much as we loved him. I can't help but think about what his little eyes are seeing now. More than we can imagine I am sure. My little Case's eyes are seeing all of God's glory. He see's Jesus' face. He's looking into Grandma Karen's eyes now. That gives me a little comfort. Mostly it makes me want that again. I want him to look at me again.

I flew up to Seattle on Friday night to meet my sister's and Lissa. I just stayed two nights and we stayed in a hotel, shopped, talked, and cried. It was great being around those girls. It was healing. It was hard to leave Lane and Reese. It was hard to get back to reality today. I should be doing homework right now. I am taking some online classes. It sounds crazy to be doing that right now. I had registered for them back in November. I didn't feel like I could focus enough to do them, but I am trying. I honestly don't know what else I am supposed to do. I lost some of my identity when Case died. I am supposed to be taking care of a baby and now I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing.

I was given a book at Case's funeral. Jesus Calling. (Thanks Mindy) I read it every morning. I can't believe how relevant it is to me right now. Yesterday's devotion said this, "Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time." I don't understand why God intends for me to be here. But honestly, this is what gets me through, the fact the God does have a plan and he can work all things into a pattern for good. It is beyond my understanding. I don't say these things to sound right or to make people think that I am okay and doing everything right. I am a mess, I am not strong, I am broken. I am writing this because this is the only way I am getting through this. If I didn't have my faith in God, I would go crazy. Sometimes I feel like I might go crazy, but then I remember to take it one moment, one day at a time. I am reminded to keep my eyes on God, just like Case kept his eyes on me.