13 years

It's was 13 years ago yesterday that we had to say goodbye to my mom.  When I look back some words that stick out in my mind are sudden, lost, and unreal.  It was all so sudden that it truly did seem unreal. I think we all felt lost.  I know I was.  I was a little less than 2 months from my wedding day, I was not even a year out of high school.  How do you do all that without your mom?  It was a loss that we all needed to deal with in our own way.  Reese was in boot camp at the time.  He couldn't leave so the next time I saw him was the last week in May at his boot camp graduation, we then got married June 2nd.   Our marriage started out with me grieving and I'm sure Reese wasn't sure what to do with that.  I think all of us got through it one way or another and for me it prepared me at a very young age for things that were to come.  

I just went through some old pictures and found these gems.  Picture are so important.  I have realized that more and more as time goes on!

 

I had no idea when my mom died that a little over 11 years later I would find out that I have the same heart condition that killed her.  Nobody knew when she died that this was a genetic thing.  As I have gone through this heart journey I have so often thought of my mom.  She was my age when she started having some major arrhythmia's that would cause her to pass out.  She had just had her 5th child.  She was busy.  They did not understand why her heart was doing this.  She was in the hospital for 2 weeks before they found a medication that "worked" for her and felt comfortable sending her home.  My condition was caught before I've had anything major happen.  I am blessed because they now know what this gene does and why I have what I have.  I still don't understand why she had to die at 45.  I don't understand any of it.  But I will say this, because she died I understand the severity of my situation, my family's situation.  It would have been easy for me to ignore, I mean I feel fine, my heart isn't doing crazy things...  But because she died, I know that if I want to live I have to take the necessary steps to live.  It is real to me.  When I found out about all this I had to kind of relive my moms death, grieve again.  Grieve for what this means for me, my siblings, my cousins, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews, my kids.  My mom lived a healthy life despite what was going on with her and the doctors lack of knowledge about her condition.  So can I, so can all my other family members who might end up with the same thing we have, and we can continue to live with proper treatment.  27 years  after my mom was diagnosed with this, the medical knowledge has come so far.  I am so thankful for that and it gives me hope.

12 years ago

I wanted post real quickly about my feelings today.  Twelve years ago my mom went to be with Jesus at the age of 45.  I only had her on this earth for 181/2 years of my life but she taught me so much and continues to teach me.  I want to be that kind of mom, the one that her children look back on and can still learn from her actions.  I never imagined that 12 years later I would be in the midst of learning that I have the same heart disease my mom had.  I never imagined that 12 years later I would be thinking so much about how my mom dealt with her diagnosis,  how the doctors treated her.  There have been so many questions I have wanted to ask her through out these last months.  So many questions have arisen.  My mom's heart condition was unknown, they thought a virus had most likely attacked her heart..  They didn't know it was genetic.  She didn't know it could kill her suddenly.  I have the benefit of knowing.  Unfortunately I had to lose my mom in order to know.  Tonight I am praying that I can take what I know and do the very best I can do to take care of myself, to educate myself and my family.  I can live a long, healthy life with this disease and I pray that that is God's plan for my life.  I remember after mom died that I had an overwhelming feeling deep in my soul that she had died for a reason.  I knew that I might never know why, but God knew.  Could it have possibly been to help us realize the depth of our situation, the seriousness?  To save other's lives.  I always search for a reason for things and when I can't find one I know I just have to trust.  I feel like I have finally come to the point where I can have peace knowing that I can just trust God.  I don't have to analyze, doubt, search, just trust.  I pray that you can find that peace in whatever situation you might be facing.

Remembering

Yesterday it was 11 years since my mom went to heaven and 8 years since her dad, my Grandpa Ken joined her there. We all miss them so much. Both my mom and grandpa were really influential in shaping who I've become and most my siblings and other family members would probably say the same thing. I took the picture above from my sister Michele's blog. I love this picture of my mom and dad and us five kids. I bet Phil (her 5th child) wasn't much more than 6 months old here and mom is rockin' a tube top! I know this because there are other pictures of that same day when you can see her stomach and she looks amazing! I was blessed with many of her genes, but that whole showing my stomach after having children is not one of them!

I have been reflecting a little in the past couple months about what I want to be when I grow up. It sounds funny right. Well, I never chose a career path that I was really passionate about, never finished my degree, etc. I am taking online classes right now just to finish up my 2 year transfer degree and my Theatre professor sent out an email to everyone about finding a job that you are passionate about. I kind of felt stupid because I didn't have that drive and here I am almost 30 and I am still trying to figure out what I want to be. One way she said to find out what that was, was to remember back to when you were a kid and what you most liked to play. I immediately thought of playing house with my dolls and barbies. I also set up houses out in the woods with my brothers, I made plates and bowls out of the clay I dug out of the creek, I picked weeds that resembled wheat and ground them up to pretend to make bread. I don't think I was an ordinary little girl playing with dolls because when all the other girls had moved on to other things as we got older, I still wanted to play with my dolls! I thought about all this for a while before I realized that I HAVE found what I am most passionate about, being a wife, mother and homemaker. That may seem a little old fashioned to some, but I am the most content when I can do those things well. I feel so fortunate that I am content being a stay at home mom because I know some women find it hard to be home all the time. I realize that my mom taught me these things. She showed me how to be a good mom and a good homemaker and to take joy in the domestic things :) Now I know that at some point I will get a job which is why I am slowly finishing up college. But I have a feeling I won't veer too far from what I am doing right now :)

So last week I was having some neighborhood ladies over for coffee. I sat down and looked through some recipes to figure out what I would make for that morning and this recipe stood out to me. I haven't made it in a really long time, but it is so good. After mom died, I was living in 29 Palms and I called my Grandma Alma for this recipe. It was one mom made often, especially when she had my dad's side of the family over for coffee on a Sunday night. So last Monday night, after the kids went to bed, I made this Applesauce Raisin Cake and thought of my mom the whole time.

Applesauce Raisin Cake

1 cup butter

2 cups sugar

2 eggs

2 cups unsweetened applesauce

1/4 cup warm water

3 cups flour

2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp each of cinnamon, nutmeg and cloves

1 cup raisins

nuts, optional

Cream butter and sugar, add eggs. Beat well, add applesauce and water. Mix flour, soda and spices. Add to butter mixture. Add raisins and nuts (if using). Pour into a greased 9x13 pan. Bake at 350 for 1 hour.

Penuche Frosting (SO YUMMY)

1/2 cup butter

1 cup brown sugar, packed

1/4 cup milk

1 3/4 -2 cups powdered sugar

Melt butter in a saucepan, add sugar, boil over low heat for 2 minutes stirring constantly. Stir in milk and bring to a boil stirring constantly. Cool to lukewarm. Gradually add powdered sugar and beat until thick.

10 years

Mom and I in Laughlin, NV when I was 12

It's hard to believe that 10 years ago tomorrow, my mom entered heavens gates and seven years since my Grandpa Ken went to heaven. I don't have many pictures of her or Grandpa here, I wish I had more, Michele scanned this one and sent it to me. I was only 18 when mom died, engaged, and Reese was in bootcamp at the time. She had seen me in my wedding dress, I am so thankful for that. That's a weird time in life to lose your mom. I was transitioning from being a teenager to an adult, I needed her. I certainly went through a few hard years after she died, I think all of us did. Reese and I married so young and I moved to CA less than 5 months after she died. I am sure Reese didn't know what had happened to his once carefree, happy go lucky girlfriend he left when he went to bootcamp. Because he married someone who was experiencing deep pain, that carefree person had changed into someone with more of a burden to carry. I am so thankful that we made it through those years, they weren't easy.

A while back I read this devotion in The One Year Book of Hope by Nancy Guthrie and I bookmarked it. I can't say enough about this book, this devotion in particular, she took the words right out of my mouth.

"Birthdays. Deathdays. I feel like they are always coming at me. And it is hard to know what to do with these days when you have lost someone you love, isn't it? Letting them just go by doesn't seem right, and yet it can be so hard to work up the energy just to get out of bed, let alone do something constructive or meaningful.

When Hope's and Gabe's birthdays (her babies that both died around 6 months old from a genetic disorder) come around, I can usually find some way-sometimes very small and sometimes more significant- to celebrate their lives. I'm grateful they were here if for only a short time, so I can find joy in that. I celebrate the impact they had on other people, even with their significant limitations and the brevity of their lives, and I'm grateful. I remember the joy and richness they each brought to our lives and the gifts they gave us in the form of a deeper understanding of God and deeper relationships with people around us.

But those deathdays are hard. Or, I should say, it is the anticipation of the deathdays that is hard. For me, the day itself is not so bad. It is the days leading up to it, as I have a sense that death is coming again and I can't stop it. I feel a sense of dread and helplessness. Finding a way to "celebrate" a day of death seems absolutely ridiculous and almost like a denial of reality. But is it? Perhaps it is the ultimate embracing of reality.

On the day we are born, we enter a pain-saturated, sin-scarred, darkness-loving, soul-depriving existence for a determined number of years. On the day of our death, if we are believers, we enter a pain-free, perfect place that is ablaze with the glory of Christ, where our deepest longings and joys are fulfilled, not for a number of years, but forever. Think about it. Don't dismiss it because of how much you miss someone who is there or because of your fears of the unknown. Allow this truth to ruminate in your heart and illumine your mind. For you, and for the one you love who knows Christ, won't your deathday be your true birthday?"

That gave me something to think about. We are not conditioned to think this way, and this challenged me to change my thinking a bit. For us on earth, it still is a deathday, it is a sad day because we miss those we love so much, but for that person, they entered glory, everlasting life, what could be better than that?

What hit home the most for me in her devotion was what she wrote about the days leading up to that day. That week of the one year anniversary of Case's death, it was a feeling of an impending doom, almost an anxious feeling about what was to come, although it had already happened. But that day didn't seem like it was all that bad. I almost felt guilty for that, but what she says makes sense. I also don't always have the energy to do anything significant to honor that person whether it be mom, grandpa or Case. I have felt guilty about that too, but why? Probably because I see some grieving mothers, daughters etc doing some big project in honor of their loved one, but I am not that person. So now I do what I can do in that moment and as long as I feel right about that, it's good enough.

I've had a rough few weeks. I am busy, Estelle doesn't let me get much done, and Reese is gone alot. I don't like to advertise Reese's schedule on here, but I will sum it up as challenging. Him and I were talking tonight and he mentioned how hard the last year (14 months) has been, but that he was certain if won't last forever. It won't last forever, and what gets me by is looking at what we do have and trying to be thankful. Every night I look at Lane and Estelle as they lie there sleeping and I whisper to them "I adore you." I do, how can I not be thankful? And I am thankful that Case has Grandma Karen and Grandma Karen has her grandson Case.

A good name is better than fine perfume,
and the day of death better than the day of birth.
It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of everyone;
the living should take this to heart.

Ecclesiastes 7:1-2

Greatly Missed

My sweet mom and her dad, Grandpa Ken. Eight years ago today we lost my mom. Five years ago today we lost Grandpa. Grandpa was an amazing Christian role model in my life and I am so thankful for the time I had with him. Our little Lane Kenneth is named after him. My mom had a very patient and loving father, I know she was blessed by him.

My mom was a beautiful mother of five, we all miss her so much. My sisters and I have experienced another kind of missing her now that we are mothers. I am sad for her that she was not able to enjoy that Grandma phase that every mother looks forward to. I am sad for our children that they don't know their Grandma Karen. One time a while ago Lane told me as we were driving down the road that he thinks Grandma Karen is making pancakes up in heaven for Jesus. I guess he knows her better than I thought :) Now that I am a mother, I can appreciate all our mom did for us and I realize how blessed we are to have had her as a mother.

I feel so blessed to know with out a doubt that my mom and my Grandpa are in heaven. As the years pass it becomes easier to see the blessings and those blessings and memories ease the sadness a little. I have such great memories of her and I loved reading my sister Michele's memories of her too. She was beautiful, funny, stylish and hip. What I most appreciate was the Christian mother that she was. Her actions and decisions she made spoke volumes to me. Her life was her testimony.

Mom, Matt, and Phillip in Moses Lake. We always had so much fun visiting at Vance and Michele's. It was always a good time, home videos, games, hanging out on the lake, making cards, great memories!

Mom at a Farmers Day Parade (?) I totally remember her and Matt getting up on that bike during the parade, it was hilarious. We always sat out in front of Grandpa Kens Jewelry store to watch all the parades.