Enjoying Alaska and a surgery date

All the lights were off downstairs the other night and I was about to go up to bed when I saw a mama and baby deer in our backyard.  We have been seeing lots of deer roaming around but I loved that I could quietly open the sliding door and take pictures from my kitchen!

 We were out for dinner the other night and this big guy was perched outside the window of the restaurant.  Eagles are all over the place up here!

 On Sunday a bunch of people were going to hike up Pyramid mountain.  Reese does this on a weekly basis.  He and his coworkers hike up and ski down.  Reese also takes Lane up there, about half way up for him to snowboard down.  So I am not much of an outdoorsy person or in that great of shape for that matter, but for whatever reason I decided to go up with them.  Three of our friends skied and me and two of the girls snow-shoed up.  I began doubting myself a few times, but I needed to get out of my head and just put one foot in front of the other.  I made it to the top and it was beautiful!

 Here is Reese and I at the top with Anton Larson Bay in the distance behind us.  Reese stayed with me the whole time.  I was the last one to the top but for having a "bad ticker" I still thought that was pretty good.

I had my consultation with my new cardiologist/electrophysiologist in Anchorage last week.  I flew up there for just the day on a Coast Guard C130 plane.  It was quite the experience.  They have a medical flight that goes there once a week which is awesome!  I was anxious to get a second opinion about the defibrillator and just have someone else's take on my situation all together.  Turns out this doctor is on the same page as my San Diego doctors.  He was a really great doctor, I could tell that from the beginning.  He was extremely easy to communicate with and explained things very well.  So I have an appointment to get my defibrillator placed on April 22nd.  I feel good about it.  I prayed that God would speak clearly to me one way or the other whether I should get it or not.  I felt like after my appointment with him, I knew that this was the right thing to do.  I have had doubts because I feel like I am healthy, I have never had any arrhythmia's.  The thing is that no one knows when they could start, I may never have one... or the first one I have could kill me.  After my mom died we always said, "If she would have had a defibrillator she would probably still be alive."  I don't want to have anyone say that about me.  I want to do all that I can.  Don't get me wrong, it's not easy for me to be getting this.  The thought of needing to have my "battery changed" every 10 years bothers me just a bit!  The fact that I will have a device implanted in my chest is weird.  But God's timing is perfect.  I found out that I needed this defibrillator on January 16th, and now almost 3 months later, I am ready.  I WAS NOT ready on January 16th or even a couple weeks ago.  I am now.  Its kind of like climbing that mountain on Sunday, I put one foot in front of the other and eventually I got to the top.  I tripped, I fell, my legs burned and I thought about quitting a couple of times.  But I didn't and I put one foot in front of the other and I got to the top.  It was fulfilling and a beautiful sight.  To some people that mountain wouldn't be that big of an accomplishment (like Reese who has been doing it once or twice a week) but to me it meant something bigger that just hiking up the mountain. It was a symbol of something more, I can do this.

12 years ago

I wanted post real quickly about my feelings today.  Twelve years ago my mom went to be with Jesus at the age of 45.  I only had her on this earth for 181/2 years of my life but she taught me so much and continues to teach me.  I want to be that kind of mom, the one that her children look back on and can still learn from her actions.  I never imagined that 12 years later I would be in the midst of learning that I have the same heart disease my mom had.  I never imagined that 12 years later I would be thinking so much about how my mom dealt with her diagnosis,  how the doctors treated her.  There have been so many questions I have wanted to ask her through out these last months.  So many questions have arisen.  My mom's heart condition was unknown, they thought a virus had most likely attacked her heart..  They didn't know it was genetic.  She didn't know it could kill her suddenly.  I have the benefit of knowing.  Unfortunately I had to lose my mom in order to know.  Tonight I am praying that I can take what I know and do the very best I can do to take care of myself, to educate myself and my family.  I can live a long, healthy life with this disease and I pray that that is God's plan for my life.  I remember after mom died that I had an overwhelming feeling deep in my soul that she had died for a reason.  I knew that I might never know why, but God knew.  Could it have possibly been to help us realize the depth of our situation, the seriousness?  To save other's lives.  I always search for a reason for things and when I can't find one I know I just have to trust.  I feel like I have finally come to the point where I can have peace knowing that I can just trust God.  I don't have to analyze, doubt, search, just trust.  I pray that you can find that peace in whatever situation you might be facing.

Dining Room

 Here are the Dining Room pictures.  The walls look kind of white in the pictures, but they are actually a khaki/gray color.  I painted much of the downstairs this color, a nice neutral color.  The above picture is taken when standing at the front door and looking toward the left.

This one is taken standing at the front door looking straight ahead toward the living room.

 This is taken while standing in the doorway to to the kitchen.  The room on the left side of the picture is the playroom, which is just the 4th bedroom.  It is so nice to finally have an extra room for toys!

 It was Lane's spring break this last week.  We went swimming and Reese and Lane went skiing and snowboarding a lot.  We have also been going sledding.  We got Lane a snowboard last week and he is doing really awesome.

And of course Lane has been climbing trees in the backyard.  We had a really nice week, lots of sunny weather and some snow.  Beautiful!

Going Away

Before we left Coronado in January we had a couple get togethers with some of our wonderful friends.  It was fun to hang out with them and the kids always have a blast together.

Max, Daniel and Lane eating their charred marshmallows :)

 Daniel, Lane and Seth.  Lane and Daniel have been friends since preschool.  It was hard for me to separate these two.  I know that Lane will always make new friends, but you can't replace the ones you already had.  Daniel's mom Kelly has been such a dear friend of mine since I moved to Coronado too.  It was hard to leave them.

 Avi, Estelle and Cara.  These little girls (Audrey is missing from the picture) are all around the same age and had such fun together.  Our coffee dates were full of little girls running around.

 Kelly, me and Susan.  We had a fire out by our house a few nights before we left.  These girls are dear to my heart.  We keep talking about missing our coffee dates.  I have to laugh, over time we all switched to decaf for different reasons.  Our coffee dates may have been a little less "energized" but special none the less!

 We got together at the Roy's house quite a few times before we left too.  This was our last get together.  The Mendenhall's came too.  Tyler, Charlie, Lucy, Lane and Estelle.  These kids all hold a special place in my heart.  Lane was just 3 1/2 when we moved to Coronado and now he's 8!  I have loved watching these kids grow.  Charlie and Case were just a few months apart.  I have loved hanging out with Charlie and watching all the things he says and does, he is such a good hearted little guy.  And Estelle and Lucy our "twins" that are just 4 days apart.  They have been so cute together!

Leah bribed the kids with candy to get a good picture of them.  Man, I already miss all these friends!  One thing I have learned from moving around is that God has always blessed us with wonderful friends wherever we go.  And the awesome part is, although we move away from them, we have kept in contact with everyone.  It's so fun to have friends all over the world.  In fact I just got a cherry blossom Starbucks mug from my friend Katie who now lives in Japan.  This lifestyle is hard, but full of blessings!

Kitchen

I've had kind of a yucky last few days.  On Thursday of last week I got a call from the cardiologist in Anchorage to set up an appointment.  Turns out they wanted me to do the consultation and the defibrillator implantation the next day, to save me an extra trip over there.  To make a long story short, due to childcare and insurance reasons I can't do that.  So I am in the process of rescheduling everything.  The whole situation makes me depressed.  I am frustrated in many ways.  Having the actual appointment to get the defibrillator makes it very scary and real for me.  I realize that it could be worse, but either way, it is an adjustment, a lifestyle change.  So I just need a little time to adjust :)  So in an effort to feel "normal" I am posting pictures of our kitchen!  I really love this house.  I have had lots of fun decorating and pulling things together. 

 I really like the bar part of the counter.  The kids eat breakfast and snacks here.  Lane does his homework there etc.

 I am excited about the paint color we painted.  It is a True Value color called Samuel.  And of course my new refrigerator is something to be excited about too!

 The white door on the left goes out to the garage, the closet in the middle used to hold the washer and dryer but we moved those to the garage and we put the computer desk and all my craft stuff in there.

 I ripped down the Winnie the Pooh valance almost as soon as we moved in (I wonder why?).  I just made this valance last week.  Reese's brother Jordan was here when we moved in and watched me rip the old valance down.  He said he'd wondered how long it would take for me to do that.  He knows me all too well!

Before we moved I scored two (new) old windows from Reese's dads shop.  I backed the panes with the left over fabric from the valance and made it into a menu board.  Just write on it with dry erase markers and it comes right off.  Stay tuned for more pictures of the house!

Just Sharing Some Pictures

From Christmas!  Better late than never.  This is mostly for myself just to have pictures on here to remember Christmas 2012.  We went to Washington and had fun with cousins and friends.  

 Estelle's viking hat that daddy got her.

 Cousins!

 My 4 bestest friends in Washington and my kids.  I think this is the first picture we've gotten with all of them!  I just love all these kiddos.  They range in age from 8 1/2 to about 4 months.

The annual fondue party with my friends from high school.  This year it was hosted by Brianne.  Good times.

 Lesha, Matt and I drove down to Seattle to meet Michele and family.   The boys went to the Seahawks game and us girls and Hazel did a little shopping.  It was a great kid free night for me!

 Sledding on New Years Day.  Estelle and Abby had such fun together!

We Are Here

 We are finally in Kodiak and settled.  We got here about 2 1/2 weeks ago. The last two months have been crazy.  We went to Washington for Christmas and three days later the movers came to pack our stuff up and they left with it on January 9th.  We stayed in Coronado for 10 days and then headed up to Washington (again) on January 18th.  We drove up (I will share some pictures later), Reese got on the ferry with the cars to head up to Kodiak and a week after he left, the kids and I flew up to Kodiak.  So needless to say, it is nice to be in our own home, with our own stuff and own beds.  I am loving our house, already feels like home!  Here are a few pictures I've gotten since we've been here.

 There are bison here!  So cool, they live in the wild about 45 minutes from here.

 Estelle is her usual dramatic self.  One day she insisted on wearing her bathing suit.  This was her at some point that day.  Bathing suit, fairy wings, Belle high heels... playing with her jewelry and "makeup."  Oh my.

And Lane is enjoying exploring.  The back yard has been fun for him to play in and he's met the neighbor boy and has been playing football with him after school most days.  The adjustment was the hardest on him with starting a new school.  He is into his 3rd week now and I think it's going much better.  His school seems great.  He is in a 2/3 combo classroom which I think is great since he is old for his grade.  

I really haven't even known where to start with the blogging.  It started out that I just didn't have much time for blogging with the move etc.  Then as time went on, I think I kind just didn't want to think about having to type out what is going on with me.  But I have taken some time and gathered my thoughts.  We know now that my heart condition is the same thing my mom had.  It is a hereditary heart condition.  It's not brought on by lifestyle choices like diet, alcoholism, or drug use, high blood pressure, high cholesterol etc, like many heart diseases are.  I am doing well physically.  I feel pretty normal most the time and thankfully I haven't had any arrhythmia's or heart racing episodes.  But two days before we left Coronado to move up here I had a meeting with one of my cardiologists.  That day he told me that based on the knowledge that they have about this disease I have, that I should have a ICD (Implantable Cardioverter Defibrillator) implanted.  This ICD would control any arrhythmia's that I might have.  I was shocked by him telling me this since I had never had an arrhythmia, I knew that I would probably need one in the future, but now?!  But they don't know when these arrhythmia's will start and they want to have it in place before they do.  These arrhythmia's can be deadly like my moms was.  I sat in the doctors office holding a defibrillator in my hand, I was speechless. 

Over the last month, I have been overwhelmed.  I have been angry.  I have been in denial.  For a good couple of weeks I tried not to think about it, I busied myself.  After all, I have a lot to busy myself right now.  We got the entire house painted and unpacked every last thing.  I needed to make a doctor appointment here so I can get a referral to a cardiologist and get the process going for all this, but I didn't want to.  What I wanted was to enjoy my new home, get settled in, have fun decorating.  But today I finally went to the doctor.  Nothing new to report, I am just in the process of getting a referral to a cardiologist in Anchorage.  But I am on the right path.

Through this process God has been working on me to be aware of His presence, lean on Him for peace and trust in the hope I have in Him.  I ran across these words today that I had written in my journal.

"Hope is acting on the conviction that despite what we see with the natural eye, God is working in the spiritual realm to accomplish his perfect will in our lives.  His hope does not disappoint."

I have realized that I need to take time everyday to reflect, to decompress, to listen for what God is saying to me.  After Case died I found myself setting aside time everyday to grieve.  It sounds weird, but I found that I needed to sit down and make myself think about Case, read my bible, write down my thoughts.  I think if I hadn't done that, maybe I wouldn't have really processed everything, really grieved.  You can distract yourself and keep busy in order to not face things head on, but that is not healthy for me.  And I am finding that to be true now too.  I can be in denial and put off what I really need to do, or I can face this head on.