Yep, I am still here just a little lacking in the blog department. Last week we got back from WA. Reese's brother Mason and his new wife Amanda got married on the 13th. Reese was a groomsman and Lane was the ring bearer. He was so cute as you can see in the pictures. We got there the Tuesday before the wedding and on Wednesday Lane ran into one of Lesha's countertops, cut his eye, and by the next day he had his very first shiner! Just in time for the wedding. Isn't that how it goes though? I thought it made him even cuter, such a boy. As you can tell by the pictures he had his hands in his pockets much of the time. It was good to be up there for a week and see our family and friends. It was good to get home too.
It's been over 2 months since Case died. We're missing him so much, mostly I think of all the things he'd be doing by now. We still have so much ahead of us. All those firsts, his first Easter in just a couple weeks, my first mother's day as a mom who has lost a child...it's a long road. I just started reading the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. It says that when you lose a baby, you mourn the future so much, watching him grow up, the family vacations, the holidays. As soon as I got pregnant I started imagining our family as a family of four, my thoughts, expectations, dreams only grew from there. When he was born and we found out he was a boy, as he grew and turned into his own little person with such a unique personality. A baby gives you so much to look forward to, all of that was taken away so quickly.
I've grieved the loss of my mom, that was so hard, it still is. Grieving the loss of my child is different. There are things I never experienced when my mom died that I am experiencing now. The thing you can pray most for me right now is my fears, that God can meet me in these fears that my mind is coming up with. That I would trust God and not fight or wrestle with these fears, just trust. I won't go into a lot of explanation, and no I am not going crazy :) My mind, my body has suffered a huge loss, a scary loss and I am simply reacting to that.
9 comments:
Father - as Natasha's "heart is in anguish with the terrors of death assail her, fear and trembling and
horror has overwhelming her She even says - "Oh, that I had the wings of a dove! I would fly away and be at rest" -... but instead we are calling to You, God! And You saves her! Evening, morning and noon as Tasha cries out in distress, You hear her voice. You ransom her from the battles! God, who is enthroned forever, once again I pray Natasha will cast all her cares and anxious thoughts on You! We know You will sustain her - not let her fall... increase her trust in You!" In the Powerful Name of Jesus, My prayer taken from Ps. 47 for you right now... Amen!
(saw your Dad on Thurs. eve - praying for him too!)
you are wonderful. you are strong enough to let go and let the future take care of itself. what will be, will be... we can't control destiny. you have such wonders to look forward to, and case william will be there with you and reese and lane in all you experience. i love you.
Such handsome guys! I'm glad you had some family time. Good times.
You have fears now because you know, in a new way, that bad things happen. I'll be praying for each of you, especially for God to take away your fears and calm your heart.
Take care-
Thanks so much for sharing! You are a blessing! Thanks for coming to visit also. Hope to see you all soon.
I've just found your blog. Your son looked so handsome in his suit.
I just have to tell you how sorry I am about your loss of Case. My heart aches for you.
God bless you and your family.
Lane and Reese look so handsome. You must have moments of feeling like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. You are being brave and strong in the midst of something so awful. And as the world goes on, you are still distracted and sad, making your "tear soup" ... You continue to look to God and you continue to do what you need to do for yourself and your family. You should be proud of that. I will pray that God will take your worry and your fear.
It was so good to see you guys this weekend. Your empty arms made me sad. No one thinks you are going crazy, just so much more than any of us could ever imagine is the strengh and faith you have. Peace and comfort during your fears. You are "Held".
thinking of you and praying for you. life is rough these days. Its been a little over two months for us too since losing Olive. They are irreplaceable.
The song on your blog is SO beautiful, so sad. I feel so guilty that my worries and sadness is nothing compared to yours right now. Having your own baby die must be very different than having mom die. Your relationship with him was completely different than you had with mom. Time will make things easier, but time is probably moving very slowly for you right now. I think about you SO much and continue to pray. Love, Lesha
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