Here is Lane's (second) first day of Kindergarten picture. He had a great day. He is excited about his classroom, mainly because they have a lizard and a turtle! They also have some awesome legos that he was really excited to play with. Yesterday I was walking to pick him up and saw his class walking in a line out of the classroom. I spotted Lane right away with his white blonde head sticking out a head taller than all the other kids! Yes, he looks a little "ginormous" next to some of his classmates, but I am confident that this is right where he needs to be.Now the question is how did I do on Lane's first day? His being at school isn't the hard part, we've done that before. Me being home by myself isn't really the hard part either, I am pretty used to that. The hard part is leaving that school with nothing in my arms, no stroller to push. We went to his orientation on Tuesday, just like we did last year. Last year I had Case in the Baby Bjorn, he was just 3 weeks old. Last year on the first day of school, I pushed Case in the stroller while Lane walked beside it (the picture below has the wheel of the stroller in the left hand corner).
Everything is different now. I have prepared for this, I knew this day was coming, and soon I will have another baby to push in the stroller to school. But my heart aches that I don't have my one year old little Case in the stroller.
I will be honest, it's hard not to compare myself to others. I know that is fruitless, but the sinful, human "me" does it anyway. I watch all of these families with all their kids. Mom's who seem like their biggest problem today is to just find a minute alone while their little one's nap. While I long for a little one year old who won't nap or who is teething, or who wakes up during the night, I would take that over this any day. Why was I the one whose baby died of SIDS? I love my kids and take care of them just as much or more as they do, how is it that my child had to die? Why was our family a statistic? But God keeps reminding me that He has a plan and my life is this way for a reason. On Aug 12th, 7 months after Case went to heaven, I read these words in Jesus Calling:
Do not compare yourself with others, who seem to skip along their life-paths with ease. Their journeys have been different from yours, and I have gifted them with abundant energy. I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My Presence. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure: delicate, yet glowing with brilliant Light. Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it.
It's already happened, this is my life, I can't change it. I have no choice but to accept it and allow God to bless me through it.
10 comments:
I absolutely love that Bible reading...that can pertain to a lot of things in life I think...perfect...prayers!!
I'm glad Lane had a good day at school. Your post just makes me want to come over and give you a huge hug. You are such a beautiful and inspiring woman I am lucky to have you in my life!
You are so faithful. It is impossible to understand why such a sad thing would happen to such a sweet, responsible, thankful family... what you shared from Jesus Calling is so true. I am praying for you.
The way you've opened your heart during the saddest of times continues to amaze me. I'm so glad to know you and call you my friend.
Your words speak so much TRUTH! I don't understand why God took Case from your family and I had to stop asking that question because I knew I would never get an earthly answer. Though I have never lost a child nor do I know the pain that comes with that I do know the pain of wanting a baby to hold in my arms. I know how hard it was for me to see people and hear people talk about wanting a "break" from their kids yet all I wanted was to have multiple kids to have a "break" from. We continue to pray for your family daily. Your in my thoughts always Tasha. Loves to you all.
You have me in tears yet again. Sometimes you losing Case just hits me in a new way. I've been thinking about you a lot lately and my prayers continue. Glad Lane is enjoying school. Love you!
What an adorable picture of Lane. He's going to be an all-star kindergartner this year!! Looking forward to seeing that new baby in those adorable knit numbers by the way. Thinking of you often!
Thanks for sharing what is on your heart. I miss you! I wish I had answers for you, I know we all asked them. I know this isn't a great response but it is what came to my mind when you ask...why does our family have to be a statistic...God didn't take Case to punish you, he just thought that you are special and that you would be able to handle it. He knew you would be strong - which you are. I am so very sorry that you had to endure this. You are such an amazing, beautiful, loving Mom. Lane is lucky to have you there watching over him at school. I will continue to pray for you and you are always in my thoughts.
I find myself coming back to read your post over and over again. You are an amazing women! You bring tears to my eyes with everything you write. Lane is adorable and wishing him the best year of kindergarten! Miss you!
That verse so perfect. I love to read your words. Lane, what a little sweetie, hugs to both of you. Putting Kai in 1st grade was a sad for me, I can't imagine what it was like for you to send Lane. I will be praying for you, Lane and Reese.
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