Matters of the Heart: Choosing Joy

A sweet picture taken by my sister Michele in light of our families "Matters of the Heart"

Life is full of choices.  Not just those everyday choices, like whip or no whip on your mocha.  Heart choices.  Will I choose to love or be angry, be joyful or bitter, will I be brave or hold back on the chance I might get hurt.  Every day we make these choices and sometimes making the right ones is hard.

On September 30th I went into my internal medicine doctor here, our town doesn't have any cardiologists, so this is the closest I can get to that. I had been putting off this appointment.  I wasn't feeling terrible, I had been coughing for a long time.  That's part of living on this island, I feel like I've had a cold all year, germs like to fester here.  But my main symptom was that I was short of breath.  I thought, maybe my cold has really gotten into my lungs and that's all it is, but in the back of my mind I wondered if it was my heart.  And in the back of my mind, I knew.

Even the doctor thought it was probably nothing as I was sitting there telling him my symptoms.  Then he got me on the exam table and looked at my neck.  By looking at your neck a doctor can tell if you are retaining fluid, I was.  He got a little more serious at that point.  He ordered a chest xray, lab work, EKG and an echocardiogram.  And before any of those tests came back, he started prescribing medications.  My xray showed I had some fluid in my lungs, that explained my shortness of breath.  My labs showed an elevated BNP which indicates heart failure. And a few days later my echo showed that my heart function had gone from 45-55% last January, down to 10-15%.  Normal heart function is around 60% or higher.  I was shocked... those numbers are bad.  With those numbers you can be put on a transplant list.

I flew to Anchorage a week later to see my cardiologist as well as a heart failure specialist.  I left Ingrid with Reese and she drank formula for the second time in her short 2 months.  I got there and my doctors were beyond awesome.  They are calling it Peri Partum Cardiomyopathy, even though I already had an existing heart disease (link to my original diagnosis, another link, and for all other heart posts click on the Matters of the Heart tag).  And although 3 different cardiologist that I had consulted before getting pregnant told me that they thought I could handle another pregnancy, I didn't.  Sometime in late pregnancy or post partum, I developed heart failure.  The statistics are, 50% of women make a full recovery, 25% stabilize with good quality of life, and the other 25% continually struggle, possible heart transplant etc.

The thing is that my cardiologists were so incredibly positive.  They had a game plan, this included 6 new medications, as well as blocking prolactin in my body (what you produce while you're breast feeding) which can be hard on your heart.  Between all the medication and need to block prolactin, I had to quite nursing.  They did a physical examination and after my body was able to get rid of the fluid (thanks to some medications), I looked perfectly fine on the outside.  They told me that the heart function number is just one piece of the puzzle and the fact that I look good and feel good means that despite my heart function my body is able to compensate.  This doesn't make the heart failure part go away, but it's a huge blessing that I have a good quality of life.  I am able to do everything I normally do.  I have had to change some things in my diet, but those things have been a good change.  I have even been exercising 4 times a week.  So I am holding onto the way I feel and I am thankful.

I have a recheck of my heart on December 4th.  We are hoping to see ANY type of upward change in my heart function!  Please pray.

Michele's Hazel, standing by 5 hearts, representing the 5 siblings in our family.

So how do I handle this diagnosis, what heart choices do I have to make?  I have a newborn baby, I have a family that needs me, I am only 32 years old.  I have had a lot of people praying for me.  I know that God has placed certain people in my life to encourage, pray and surround me with love.  I know that God has prepared me for this with other life experiences I've had along the way.  I've been going to a bible study and we are studying the women of the bible.  We were studying Mary (Lazarus' sister) in Luke 10.  I have heard the story of Mary and Martha so many times, but this time it resonated with me in a new way.  In the story, Martha is running around making sure everything is prepared just so for Jesus and Mary is sitting at Jesus' feet, soaking in his presence.  When Martha complains to Jesus that she is doing all the work and Mary is just sitting there, this is Jesus' response.

          "Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:42b

This verse means so many things to me.  Taken literally, I should choose to sit at the feet of Jesus and trust him.  But this verse also speaks to me in other ways, "Choosing what is better."  I have the choice many times a day to choose what is better.  Am I going to choose fear or peace, anger or love, bitterness or joy, busyness or calm, am I going to be present in this moment or always look to the next thing.  If I chose what is better, that cannot be taken away from me.  I will grow from those choices,  I will be blessed by them, others will be blessed by them and I will bring Glory to God through them.

I am trying to chose what is better.  I am giving fear to God and choosing PEACE.  I am giving up bitterness and choosing JOY,  I am letting go of anger and choosing LOVE.  Oh, I haven't always been successful at this.  Yes, I've yelled at my kids, I have nagged my husband, and at times my peace has given way to fear, I am human.  But the point is that this is what I am focusing on and this is my goal.

I have felt an urgency.  Urgency to embrace the present, be a better wife, mother and friend.  An urgency to be intentional in the way I live out my days.  If I choose what is better, than I can do all of those things.  Those moments and memories will not be taken away from me, my family, or my friends.  My mom died when I was 18.  I treasure the wonderful memories I have of her.  No matter if I die tomorrow or 30 years from now,  I want my kids to have wonderful memories of me.  So I WILL CHOOSE JOY!