Sugar, Spice, and Everything Nice...

....that's what this little girl is made of! Yes, we are having a baby girl! Very exciting and very different from anything I've ever known. I have always pictured our family with three boys, I don't know why, that's just what was in my head. After Case died, I didn't know what my family looked like anymore. When I found out this little one is a girl, I knew God was showing me once more, that my plans are not always His plans, and His are the best plans. Sometimes in life we like to think that we can plan things out, that for the most part if we plan enough, things will go accordingly. Some peoples lives seem to go according to plan, but at some point, everyone has to face the fact that we are not in control. It was very early in my adult life that I realized this. This little girl has confirmed this to me once again. I wouldn't have "planned" for things to go the way they have gone, and I know God didn't want for us to suffer the loss of Case, but I also know that God has great plans for our family. This baby girl is part of His wonderful plan. So now I get to pass on the values that my mom taught me to my own daughter. I get to have a daughter to cook, bake, and be crafty with. What a blessing of hope she has already been to me!

More pictures

This is me at 20 weeks. I am 21 weeks now, growing by the day!
Lane and his adorable cousin, Hazel Jane
10 year reunion! We also had a girls weekend, these girls are the best!
More soon, when I have more time! I have some exciting news......

In the Country

Lane has been having fun chasing calves, chickens and this large turkey! Fun times with cousins and friends.



Lane is loving his cousins four wheeler! We are doing well. Keeping very busy, but I am hoping that everything calms down next week. I am enjoying being surrounded by trees, mountains and "country" things. Hopefully I'll get to post more soon.

Refiner's Fire

I have been reminded of the song Refiner's Fire often. I heard it first in high school I believe and it's a song that stuck out to me then and has continued to be a song that has been meaningful over the past decade. I once shared my testimony to my MOPS group in WA. I had been through a lot at that point and Reese was down in San Diego and Lane and I were still living up in WA. Reese's decision to go into the Navy placed me in the "fire." I knew it would be hard, but I also knew that God was leading us there. During my testimony I shared this bit of information that had once been emailed to me. Little did I know what these words would mean to me just 2 years later, as once again, I sit in the fire, the hottest, most refining fire of my life...

Malachi 3:3 says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver"

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.

One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.

As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were the hottest as to burn away all the impurities.

The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot; then she though again about the verse that says: "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.

The man answered yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?"

He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy - when I see my image in it."

If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that God has his eye on you and will keep watching you until He sees His image in you.

These words literally fell into my hands this morning when I opened up a book that had been sitting in my bookshelf. I had to share right away. These words are so true, so real in my life right now. In the midst of the darkest period in my life, God has been there. It's very hard to explain, but He is so real. I know that He is working in me, that old person I was is gone. I am changed forever and I pray that I will be a better person through losing Case.

Reese was in bootcamp when my mom died. We got married 2 months later. I moved to be with him another 2 months later. I remember him saying to me at one point that I had changed, I was different from when we were dating (I don't think he was saying that I was better either :). He probably doesn't remember saying that, but it stood out in my mind and still does. Through loss, we change. It is my choice to let that change be for the better or for the worse. My choice is to sit in the fire as long as God needs me to be there, so that I can be better, not bitter, and allow Case's legacy to live on in my life.

16 weeks

What a difference 4 weeks can make! I feel big for 16 weeks, but I am glad that I look pregnant now. I am feeling better, but I am very tired still and my body is usually very sore. At my doctor appt last week everything looked and sounded great.
Over the weekend Lane and I got to meet my new friend Kristen and her family who live a couple of hours away. We met through email after Case died when she got in touch with my sister Michele and I. It was great to spend some time with them in person. Lane had so much fun with her girls (above). Kristen and I talked alot of the day about our kids, Case, God, my journey, and when she could get a word in, about her life :) Kristen is a very empathetic person, very caring, and not afraid to ask me how I am. I appreciate people like her so much, people who want to know how I am doing, not avoiding the topic of Case. The fact is, I like to talk about Case and if I cry that's okay, don't be afraid if I cry. Honestly... it does not help me if you avoid me or talking with me about Case, it hurts me. Yes, I have run into both, people who avoid me all together or people who even quickly change the subject if I bring Case up. That is why I am so thankful for people like Kristen (who was a stranger before Case died), for my friends that call or email to check up on me. Thank you.

On a lighter note, Lane and I watched Shrek 4 the other day. There is an ogre on there that runs a chimichanga cart. Lane thought it was hilarious and a good idea I guess because he wanted to build a cart of his own. So we got the wagon out, used some wood, made a sign, and got some fruit snacks on it. He wheeled it down to his friend Daniel's house to give him some free fruit snacks. His imagination is great! He keeps my spirits up and entertains me most of the day with all his big ideas and stories.

Thankful for Lane

Lane had his last t-ball game yesterday. He got two great hits not off the the tee, but pitched to him!
The HIGHLIGHT of the whole t-ball season was getting the trophy yesterday!
He got home and began polishing it! Like father like son. Reese has always enjoyed polishing his boots, his wheels on his Jeep, and cleaning his rifles.
Speaking of daddy, he got Lane some cammies! He put them on as soon as he got them, took them off to sleep and wore them all day today too!

I am so thankful for Lane. I have so enjoyed watching him grow up and all the funny things he has done. Yesterday I watched him play outside by himself, imagining he was in the navy. He was doing the funniest things and I just sat there with a smile on my face watching him. This little boy and I have a bond that I am so thankful for. We have been through a lot together and although he doesn't realize it now, he has taught me alot. Watching him makes me wonder about all the things Case would have done. Watching your kids grow is the greatest gift that a mom can ever receive, it is priceless.

I am also thankful today because I am finally done with my online classes! I finished my last final this evening and boy does that feel good! We are now looking forward to doing some fun things week, including going to see Shrek. I know Lane is going to appreciate my extra attention. I am also thankful for continued healing and that I get to hear this little one's heartbeat tomorrow which is always so exciting. I ask you to pray for healing, that I would feel better and have more energy soon and for safety for our little family.

28 years, 6 Mother's Days, 12 weeks

This has been a hard week. One of changes and new adjustments (most of you know what that is), and also some special days. I recently turned 28. I am praying that 28 will be a year that brings hope, healing, and growth. This is my 6th Mother's Day. This is the first Mother's Day as a mom who has lost a child. At 28 years old that is very strange to me, although I am sure that is strange at any age. Being a mommy has taken on a different meaning to me now. It was always special, but now, it's special in a different way. This is my 10th Mother's Day without my mom. She is so missed.

This Mother's Day I also have reason to celebrate, I am 12 weeks pregnant. God blessed us with a new little miracle so soon after Case died. It's hard to grasp it all some days, but the moment I saw this baby at my ultrasound, it was real. There are so many feelings, emotions and fears that I have right now. Excited, yet afraid. So happy, yet so sad. I thank God for our new little blessing, our third child. Lane is very excited to have another baby, he say's he won't be alone anymore :( I am due November 16th. I ask you to pray for our family. Reese, Lane, this baby, me. God has a lot of work to do in me in these next 6 months to prepare me to be mommy to another baby. Please pray that He will do that and that I will allow Him to work.

Excuse the crooked picture. My photographer is five.