His Eyes

I miss Case's eyes. His bright, wide open, taking everything in, blue eyes. This is the only picture I have of him looking at me. It's such a silly picture that Lane took of us just the week before Case died. Case would look at us, not just like any baby looks at you. I mean he looked right at us. He followed us across the room with his eyes, he would stare at Lane while he was in the same room as him. Everyday I would walk Lane to school and push Case in the stroller. He would stare at me the whole way. My friends would comment on how he would just stare at me the whole time. The weekend before Case died, we were out talking to our neighbors. She made the comment that she couldn't believe the way he looked at me. She said "my girls never looked at me like that" Maybe he was memorizing us. Maybe he just loved us as much as we loved him. I can't help but think about what his little eyes are seeing now. More than we can imagine I am sure. My little Case's eyes are seeing all of God's glory. He see's Jesus' face. He's looking into Grandma Karen's eyes now. That gives me a little comfort. Mostly it makes me want that again. I want him to look at me again.

I flew up to Seattle on Friday night to meet my sister's and Lissa. I just stayed two nights and we stayed in a hotel, shopped, talked, and cried. It was great being around those girls. It was healing. It was hard to leave Lane and Reese. It was hard to get back to reality today. I should be doing homework right now. I am taking some online classes. It sounds crazy to be doing that right now. I had registered for them back in November. I didn't feel like I could focus enough to do them, but I am trying. I honestly don't know what else I am supposed to do. I lost some of my identity when Case died. I am supposed to be taking care of a baby and now I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing.

I was given a book at Case's funeral. Jesus Calling. (Thanks Mindy) I read it every morning. I can't believe how relevant it is to me right now. Yesterday's devotion said this, "Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time." I don't understand why God intends for me to be here. But honestly, this is what gets me through, the fact the God does have a plan and he can work all things into a pattern for good. It is beyond my understanding. I don't say these things to sound right or to make people think that I am okay and doing everything right. I am a mess, I am not strong, I am broken. I am writing this because this is the only way I am getting through this. If I didn't have my faith in God, I would go crazy. Sometimes I feel like I might go crazy, but then I remember to take it one moment, one day at a time. I am reminded to keep my eyes on God, just like Case kept his eyes on me.