When I found out I was pregnant with Estelle, I knew that if she was a girl, her middle name would be Hope. It is such a sweet name and it really represents what she is for our family, hope. Hope, that even in the darkest time, we still have joy. At times I couldn't feel that joy or hope, I was too overwhelmed with sadness and fear. As time passes I am more able to feel that joy and see hope, hope for a happy, blessed life despite the struggles and pain life gives us. Reese and I have a hard time agreeing on names. So we had a few names that we liked for Estelle, but "Estelle" was my favorite and Reese finally decided that he didn't like any of the other names. So Estelle Hope she was. Estelle means star. She has been a Star of Hope. I found out I was pregnant on March 9th. The emotions that brought were all over the place, but I felt hope and I held onto it. She was that star of hope to light the way through all of the darkness that hung over our family after Case died. Case brought so much joy to our family and his sweet spirit lit up our home. After he died that light was gone, his absence was so real and felt every minute of everyday.
I know I have hope because I look forward to watching Estelle grow up. My kids have brought such great joy to my life and watching Lane grow has been so fun. Looking forward to Estelle doing all those funny things gives me hope. It does make Case's absence that much more painful though, I wanted to see him do all those funny things.
Since Estelle was born I have fought fear and anxiety, but not nearly as bad as I thought I would. I was worried that I would fear that I would lose her so much that I wouldn't be able to enjoy her or my family. But I dare to hope that God will give us more time together and that I will watch her grow up. Our God is a God of hope and he has driven that fear and anxiety from me and has given me peace. Hallelujah! That is the best gift, because not only do I have Estelle, but I am able to enjoy her, my little Star of Hope.
"He shot arrows deep into my heart. The thought of my suffering and the hopelessness is bitter beyond words. I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the unfailing love of the Lord never ends! By his mercies we have been kept from complete destruction." Lamentations 3:13, 19-22
4 comments:
This post is so beautiful. Estelle certainly is a Star of Hope. I am so thankful for her - that you guys have her. Case... that sweet baby. He will always be missed. You are so brave and right the way you continue to look to God.
Natasha this is beautiful. Estelle is so adorable! I can't wait to come down and see all of you again.
You need to give a black tears warning on posts like these. I was about to head out the door and now I'm a mess!
I love the way you write and I love your heart. You are simply amazing. You challenge me to dare to hope regardless of the circumstances.
Hallelujah is right! I praise God for the miracle of Estelle's birth and the miracle that you can enjoy her without overwhelming fear and anxiety.
I'm praying for you as the anniversary of the Case's first day in heaven approaches. He is such a blessed little boy to have you as a mom.
Estelle is beautiful, just like her mama. Keep those pictures coming!
I love this. Her name is just perfect and she is such a gift from God.
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