Two Years

It has now been two years since Case's death. The last couple weeks I have really been reflecting on the time we had with him. I have really wanted to remember the "little things" surrounding Case's life and death. There were so many things that seemed to just happen by chance, but when you take the time to look at how God works everything into His plan you can see that the "little things" have made all the difference. Be forewarned that this is a long one, I could go on and on, but here is a few of those things.

Beginning with his life, God gave us 3 extra weeks with him. He surprised us 3 weeks early on July 31st. When I think about the short 5 1/2 months that he lived, I realize what a blessing those 3 (extra) weeks were.

Lane and Case were 4 1/2 years apart. We waited so long to have another baby, because of timing and Reese going into the Navy, we waited. God blessed us with Case at just the right time. We were so ready to have him, he was so wanted in our family.

Another thing that didn't just happen by chance was the fact that I was able to have a regular birth with Case. I had a c-section with Lane. I wanted so bad to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) with Case, but me and the doctors could not get the operative report from the hospital I had Lane at so they would not let me do it. One week before I had Case I went in for my c-section consultation. The OBGYN who I had never seen before asked me why I wanted to have another c-section. I explained what was going on. Then she pulled the operative report right out of my file and said "No, it's right here, you can have a VBAC." That piece of paper we had tried to hard to get had shown up some how. I knew that was a blessing then because it made for a less complicated delivery, but after Case died I realized that even more. I was able to give birth to Estelle safely only 15 months after I had Case and I am not limited to only having 3 c-sections which is what's recommended. God knew what he was doing.

Case was such a mellow baby. He slept well and was content. I was able to truly enjoy Case while we had him, I know God wanted that for us. It was such a blessing that I wasn't always stressed out or sleep deprived while he was alive. Case was easy to love. When you have a second child, you always question whether you can love another child as much as you love the first. Case taught us how much love we had to give. It wasn't until he died that I truly felt the intensity of how much love I had for him, I couldn't give that to him in the physical sense anymore and it was like I could burst because I didn't know what to do with that anymore.

God knew that we were going to need Lane through this. Lane gave us hope, a reason to not fall apart. Lane was 5 when Case died. It's funny how a 5 year old remember things that we didn't. One day he started talking about the giraffe that Case loved. Reese and I just kind of humored him, not remembering any giraffe. It wasn't until a month later when I got Case's car seat out for my niece Hazel to use and in that car seat was a toy giraffe that would hang from Case's car seat. Then I remember, he used to bat at that giraffe in the car and smile.

We wrested so much with sending Lane to Kindergarten in 2009, but we ended up doing it. He was really young for his grade. God had a plan though. I thank the Lord everyday that Lane was at school the day Case died. Never would I have wanted him to see that. He was able to see Case later on in the hospital that day when we had time to say goodbye to him and things were calmer. He put a little sticker on Case's hand. He was such a good big brother to him. In February after Case died we pulled Lane out of school and sent him to Kindergarten the next fall.

None of my kids have had much hair when they were born. But Case had a little tuft of hair on the top. The Lord even had a plan in that. When Case died, one of the nurses put a blue bow around it and clipped it off for us to keep. That little tuft of hair is so special to me.

God even had a plan in the 1970's. My mom's brother was only 5 when their sister Laurie died in a car accident. When Case died, I didn't know how to help Lane with grieving and what was appropriate for him to see, etc. I asked my uncle Jeremy and my Grandma some questions about what they remembered when he was 5 and going through similar circumstances.. His answers helped a lot in the decisions we made for Lane. Little did anyone know back then that through their grief, God was also preparing them to help us through our grief in 2010.

I was so sad that I didn't have my mom to help me through Case's death. She would have been a great support. And then one day I stopped and realized, she was there for me. As soon as Case got to heaven he was in Grandma Karen's arms. She was holding him when I couldn't. God knew that would comfort me.

The week after Case died, my Grandma Alma saw two doves at her bird feeder. She had never seen a dove at her house since they lived there (which was around 50 years I think!). She took it as a message to us that Case and my mom were together in heaven, in perfect peace. Doves are a symbol of hope and peace and are used as messengers.

Reese's work schedule is crazy. We never know in advance when he will be home. But God knew right were he needed to be on January 12th, 2010. He was at work just a few miles from where they took Case to the hospital. He was there when the ambulance arrived. I don't know what I would have done without him there.

My friend Elaina was on her way to our house that day. We had planned to go out for coffee. She was able to be at the hospital and to get Lane from school and bring him to the hospital when it was the right time. I know that day was really hard for her and for her sake I wish she wouldn't have had to see and experience all of it. But God knew that I would need her here. She was a blessing to us that day, she was good to Lane and stayed with us until that night.

I met Kristen through Case's death. She is a very empathetic friend. It was through her that I went to the Women of Faith conference and heard Natalie Grant sing "Held." A song near to my heart that was played at Case's funeral. As I sat there in that stadium listening to her sing, tears rolling down my face, I knew that this did not happen by chance.

I have met so many wonderful people through the loss of Case. Other mommy's who have lost babies, who have shared their stories with me have become an inspiration and a source of hope for me. God has placed these people in my life for a reason.

God has spoken to me through His word or through books countless times. As I rode in the ambulance that day Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind, "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Even then I knew God had a plan in this. I don't know what it is. I have been very angry that Case's death was in the plan for us. But if I choose to see how "God works for the good of those who love him," it gives me comfort. It shows me that Case's life and death were not in vain.

I am not okay, my heart is still broken and sometimes I feel a lot of anger and sadness. But I think in order to have hope we need to look for those "little things." We need to stop, be quiet, listen and see what God has done and is doing.

When I found out I was pregnant with Estelle just two months after Case died, I was excited and scared. But we had prayed and God gave us Estelle because it was in His timing. I knew from the time I found out I was pregnant that if she was a girl her middle name would be Hope. My broken heart was given HOPE.

I pray that you can look for the little things that God has given you. Those things that to the world may seem small, but these things can make all the difference if you allow them too. We miss Case so much. We would love to have a 2 1/2 year old running around our house right now. Thank you for all the thoughts, kind words, prayers, cards, etc that have been sent our way. It is so much appreciated!