I went to Anchorage last week for my recheck. I was feeling good, confident, peaceful. They did an echo and I sat through that 1/2 hour test very calmly. I met with my doctor and waited for her to tell me the number. Now I had told myself as long as I am in an upward swing I will be happy. I told myself, if I am in the 30's I will be ecstatic. The doctor came in, she told me that the echo read that it's at 38% and by her estimate it was around 30%. Yes! This is what I hoped for! But she thought the numbers should be higher... Okay. She continued on with my appointment. My physical exam looked good. She told me to get in contact with a heart transplant center. Not because I need one, but because I need to make these connections now, while I am "healthy." I left my appointment with such mixed feelings. I felt my joy was stolen from me. Maybe the doctor had a bad day and didn't "feel" like being quite as encouraging as she had before. Maybe satan saw an opportunity to steal my joy. In the last week I've had anxiety, so much so that my body shakes and my teeth chatter. I am being real right now, honest. Why? Because I have dark days and I need prayer.
"God favors the darkest places so you can see His light the brightest." Ann Voskamp
I am reading "The Greatest Gift" by Ann Voskamp. It is a devotional book for Advent. It is a powerful book for me right now. So much truth is spoken and God shows up when I read it.
Some days I have to try hard to seek Gods peace. Other days it comes easily. I know it's there for me if I just seek it.
"When you are brave, you give yourself the gift of facing and touching the torn places. The places where we're torn to pieces can be thin places where we touch the peace of God." Ann Voskamp
I have to allow these torn pieces of me to be touched by Gods peace. Beauty can come from ashes, but I have to allow that to happen.
"Faith is the gift of God. So is the air, but you have to breathe it; so is bread, but you have to eat it; so is water, but you have to drink it." D.L. Moody
This Christmas season my eyes have been opened to what Christmas really is. It has to be found, not bought or decorated. I am trying my best to find joy and peace in Christ this Christmas season.
4 comments:
I don't know you by name; only by face but know I am praying for you as s sister in Christ. May your honesty be met with grace and overwhelming peace this Christmas.
Praying over you and hugging you from down here! Praying this Christmas season brings you peace, joy and hope, Natasha. The Roys love you!
I have been praying for you everyday Natasha. I know we have never met but you are on my heart and I think about you often. Your words and honesty makes you so relatable and I admire your faith in God even on your hardest days. Please keep us updated.
Love and many blessings,
Carolyn
Psalm 139:13-14 -For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful,I know that full well.
Always thinking of you.
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