His Eyes

I miss Case's eyes. His bright, wide open, taking everything in, blue eyes. This is the only picture I have of him looking at me. It's such a silly picture that Lane took of us just the week before Case died. Case would look at us, not just like any baby looks at you. I mean he looked right at us. He followed us across the room with his eyes, he would stare at Lane while he was in the same room as him. Everyday I would walk Lane to school and push Case in the stroller. He would stare at me the whole way. My friends would comment on how he would just stare at me the whole time. The weekend before Case died, we were out talking to our neighbors. She made the comment that she couldn't believe the way he looked at me. She said "my girls never looked at me like that" Maybe he was memorizing us. Maybe he just loved us as much as we loved him. I can't help but think about what his little eyes are seeing now. More than we can imagine I am sure. My little Case's eyes are seeing all of God's glory. He see's Jesus' face. He's looking into Grandma Karen's eyes now. That gives me a little comfort. Mostly it makes me want that again. I want him to look at me again.

I flew up to Seattle on Friday night to meet my sister's and Lissa. I just stayed two nights and we stayed in a hotel, shopped, talked, and cried. It was great being around those girls. It was healing. It was hard to leave Lane and Reese. It was hard to get back to reality today. I should be doing homework right now. I am taking some online classes. It sounds crazy to be doing that right now. I had registered for them back in November. I didn't feel like I could focus enough to do them, but I am trying. I honestly don't know what else I am supposed to do. I lost some of my identity when Case died. I am supposed to be taking care of a baby and now I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing.

I was given a book at Case's funeral. Jesus Calling. (Thanks Mindy) I read it every morning. I can't believe how relevant it is to me right now. Yesterday's devotion said this, "Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time." I don't understand why God intends for me to be here. But honestly, this is what gets me through, the fact the God does have a plan and he can work all things into a pattern for good. It is beyond my understanding. I don't say these things to sound right or to make people think that I am okay and doing everything right. I am a mess, I am not strong, I am broken. I am writing this because this is the only way I am getting through this. If I didn't have my faith in God, I would go crazy. Sometimes I feel like I might go crazy, but then I remember to take it one moment, one day at a time. I am reminded to keep my eyes on God, just like Case kept his eyes on me.

Where do I go from here?

Just a little over 2 weeks ago I was holding a healthy baby boy. A baby that I had dreams for, a little baby boy that I thought would grow up into a man. As I sit here now, all I can do is wonder. How did this happen to Case? As a mom of two little boys I would think about the bond a mother and son has. I have been blessed to have this with my boys. I had images in my head of my teenage sons, taller than me, coming in the kitchen and giving me a big hug. I knew that God had entrusted me with 2 boys that I needed to raise into good men. As a mom you dream, you plan, you care, and you protect. When everything is ripped from you so suddenly, it's hard to know how to be. Just be....I don't know how to just be. The pain I feel is so much deeper than anything I've ever known. I replay everything in my mind and sometimes that is too much for me to bear. Sometimes, I am okay. I laugh at Lane when he does all his silly things. I don't know what we'd do without him. Sometimes I am just sad, but no tears will come. Sometimes I can't turn them off.

While Case was in the hospital I said over and over again "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I've clung to that verse in so many situations before, but this time I think that's all I had to hold onto. That verse promised me that Case is okay, he's in heaven the safest, best place possible with my mom and with Jesus. And it promised me that I have hope, everything is crashing down right now, but I do have hope. God promises that he has plans for us and I trust that. I don't like it, it makes me mad, I question it, but deep down I trust it.

I am not sure where I go from here. I lean on the Lord, Reese and Lane. Reese has been my rock. Lane has taught me more than he will ever know. A five year old deals with things so innocently and so simply. I will take things one day at a time. My arms are empty, I am supposed to be holding, changing, feeding and snuggling my Case.

Please pray for us. Individually for Reese, me and Lane. For our marriage, for our family, decisions that we have to make. For us to find a church here that we love.

I've been wanting to post this for a couple of days now (that's why the date is 1/27 on the post). I am finding it hard to put into words. Today was a pretty good day. Yesterday was a bad day. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I can't worry about tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who've supported us, all of your prayers, thoughts, and words are so appreciated. I can't reply to everyone right now, just know that we appreciate the love we feel.

Some Pictures and Menu

I am tired. This little stinker in his fancy bath robe kept me up a lot last night. After I started rice cereal he got constipated so last night I gave him the oatmeal cereal and mixed a little prunes in with it. He kept waking up in the night. I don't know if it was that or if he just feels like I feel. I have had a cold and sore throat all week. No rest for mommy's!

Case watches everything Lane does! Yikes!
Case in his new high chair! I got it yesterday. Well the oatmeal and prunes seemed to work. He just woke up from a very short 1/2 hr nap (that's Case's style) and let if fly while sitting on my lap. Too much info?? Now moving on to food :)

I am going to try to do the menu for the week on the sidebar again. When I was pregnant I kind of stopped that because not a whole lot sounded good to me. But anyway here it is again. Until I only have me and a 5 year old to cook for. Then it just isn't that interesting...grilled cheese, tacos, homemade pizza, repeat....

Happy New Year

Case on Christmas Eve (almost 5 months!)

We are back! We were in WA for 2 weeks visiting all of our friends and family up there. It was very fun to see everyone. Lane had so much fun with all his cousins!



Reese had fun hanging out with his brothers and friends. He got to shoot his new gun and I even joined in. I made sure to put on my fancy scarf to shoot in style :)
We stayed at Reese's parents the first week and my dad's the second week. One day we went out and took a walk on my dad's property. A creek runs through it so we went down to check it out. Lane loved exploring down there. And was very into taking a picture of Reese, Case and I. I am excited to take Lane down to the creek this summer and show him all the fun things I used to play down there. I am going to show him my little fort and how I dug up the clay from the creek and made dishes out of it.
We had a great time but we're happy to be back. I am excited to see what 2010 has in store for us! I know there are many challenges facing us with Reese's work schedule. I try not to look at that with dread or fear, but as an opportunity to overcome the challenge. God has such a great plan for each of our lives, even in these years that I know will be hard. I need to trust His plan and look to Him in everything. He has blessed us so richly in 2009, mainly with the birth of Case. Case has reminded me again of how awesome God is. Babies are so amazing and we are enjoying our little guy so much! As I look ahead to the new year my goals are...to get in shape, be more organized and spend more time at home doing what I love, being a wife and mommy. One prayer request I have is that we can find a church we love. I know we belong here and this is where God has placed us, but we are missing a church home. Please pray for us in that area! I hope all of you have a wonderful 2010!

Christmas In The Kitchen

My Kitchen Christmas tree. I decorate it with all my cookie cutters and a few other gingerbread type ornaments that I've collected, there's even a mini spatula!

Orange Rolls and Sugar Twists. These recipes are from Reese's Grandma Barb. He likes it when I make them around Christmas time. A little tradition handed down I guess.
Lane had a lot of fun decorating his gingerbread boys and girls.

This recipe I found was really awesome for gingerbread cookies. The dough needed a little extra flour but other than that it was great! I used my royal icing to decorate them:

Royal Icing:
2 large egg whites (I use Wiltons Meringue powder from Michaels instead the raw egg whites)
3 cups powdered sugar
juice of one lemon

Merry Christmas!! Hope you have a very yummy one. Can't wait to spend time with friends and family and celebrate the birth of Jesus!!

Christmasy Stuff

So this December we've done some Christmas festivities. I've been baking alot, I will share later. Lane sang at the Hotel Del Coronado. Ohhhh Ahhhh. Reese took Lane ice skating. AND...we watched Santa come in on a helicopter. Awesome!

Lane explained ice skating as "slippery" (he said it with a lisp)
Case is 4 months old. He weighs 15 lbs 12 oz and is 25 1/2 inches long!
Me and the boys after Lane sang at the Hotel Del.

Doesn't get much better than this!

Case cracks me up. His eyebrows are always raised and his eyes big. He's taking it all in!

Thanksgiving with Friends and Family!

We had a fun Thanksgiving up in WA. It was so fun to introduce Case to all of our family and to meet our new niece Hazel! My sister Michele took these two pictures plus many more while we were at my dads. Right before we had family pictures taken, Lane decided to play in piles of dirt and mud! So...a little dirt in the hair and a little mudd on the jeans, no worries.

Michele, Lesha, Me, Matt, and Phil. From oldest to youngest, these are my bestest friends in the whole world and next to Reese and my boys my favorite people to be with! No offense to anyone :)
Case and Lil' Miss Hazel the newest of the cousins and less 3 months apart.Laura (Mops or Mimi), Marryn, and Case. We stayed with Reese's parents in their new house. It was great hanging out with Reese's family and their house is very cozy and inviting. It's great to stay out in the country. Both my dad and Reese's parents live on land which is so nice for Lane to run on.
Erawyn and Lane are great friends! He loves spending time with those girls!
My SISTA'S I am SO blessed to have these beautiful women in my life! We had such a fun day of coffee, shopping and lunch on Friday. Lots of laughs and fun memories made.
My dad's eight grandchildren. They range in age from 7 yrs-6 weeks old. LOVE these kids! They are all hilarious!