Just a little over 2 weeks ago I was holding a healthy baby boy. A baby that I had dreams for, a little baby boy that I thought would grow up into a man. As I sit here now, all I can do is wonder. How did this happen to Case? As a mom of two little boys I would think about the bond a mother and son has. I have been blessed to have this with my boys. I had images in my head of my teenage sons, taller than me, coming in the kitchen and giving me a big hug. I knew that God had entrusted me with 2 boys that I needed to raise into good men. As a mom you dream, you plan, you care, and you protect. When everything is ripped from you so suddenly, it's hard to know how to be. Just be....I don't know how to just be. The pain I feel is so much deeper than anything I've ever known. I replay everything in my mind and sometimes that is too much for me to bear. Sometimes, I am okay. I laugh at Lane when he does all his silly things. I don't know what we'd do without him. Sometimes I am just sad, but no tears will come. Sometimes I can't turn them off.
While Case was in the hospital I said over and over again "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 I've clung to that verse in so many situations before, but this time I think that's all I had to hold onto. That verse promised me that Case is okay, he's in heaven the safest, best place possible with my mom and with Jesus. And it promised me that I have hope, everything is crashing down right now, but I do have hope. God promises that he has plans for us and I trust that. I don't like it, it makes me mad, I question it, but deep down I trust it.
I am not sure where I go from here. I lean on the Lord, Reese and Lane. Reese has been my rock. Lane has taught me more than he will ever know. A five year old deals with things so innocently and so simply. I will take things one day at a time. My arms are empty, I am supposed to be holding, changing, feeding and snuggling my Case.
Please pray for us. Individually for Reese, me and Lane. For our marriage, for our family, decisions that we have to make. For us to find a church here that we love.
I've been wanting to post this for a couple of days now (that's why the date is 1/27 on the post). I am finding it hard to put into words. Today was a pretty good day. Yesterday was a bad day. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I can't worry about tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who've supported us, all of your prayers, thoughts, and words are so appreciated. I can't reply to everyone right now, just know that we appreciate the love we feel.
24 comments:
My heart breaks for you. This is so beautifully written. Your faith is amazing. I want so badly for you to be able to snuggle that little Case right now. I don't understand this. You are such a wonderful mom. I too imagined you raising those boys knowing they would grow into good young men and knowing you would share Jesus love with them. God needed Case now... but that seems so difficult... I am so sorry.
You don't know me, but I'm in Whatcom county and it's a small town. ;) When I heard of Case's passing, my heart broke for you. I have been praying for you and your family and will continue to do so.
May God bless you as you find a "new normal".
With love, The Stauffer family
I'm so sorry for your loss & have been praying for you & your family. You don't know me but Tarah is my sister & Kevin Timmer is my husband. I will be praying for peace & strength for you & your husband.
Stephana Timmer
Once again I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, sharing in your grief. This is beautifully written Tasha...love from a mother's heart. You are an amazing, strong woman and a wonderful mom. We LOVE you and are praying for you EVERY single day - our entire family. Praying you will feel God's loving arms wrapped around you, giving you peace, comfort and strength to face each new day. LOVE YOU!
It so brave of you to write this only a couple weeks after this tragedy. I can't imagine how empty you must feel, how badly you want to hold Case like you held him on this beautiful picture. Why did this happen to you? You waited so patiently for the right time to have a second child. You must be so worn out emotionally and don't know what to do next or how you even feel. Very slowly things will get easier. Like you said, just take it one day at a time and just be.
I looked through my bible to find something for you, you should read this when the time is right.
A Time for Everything (Ecclesiates 3:1-8)
verse 4 especially made me think of you. "A time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance."
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I love you.
you continue to amaze me with your abosoulte strength and just honesty.... not one day has passed that i have not thought of you and just want you to know i will continue to pray and am still workin on somthing for you
Yours words are cherished. You are an amazing person, friend, mother, and servant of God.
I keep trying to come up with something of comfort, but I know no words can really comfort the pain you are going through.
All I know and feel deep in my soul is that Heaven is beyond our highest expectations. And you will have that little boy in your arms again.
God Bless you and Reese and Lane for having to go through this tragedy. We pray for strength and comfort!
Dear Reese and Natasha,
Wow! - Our hearts grieve with you in your loss!! It is very difficult to even imagine the depth of your loss. May God bless you and keep you.
God DOES love you even more than you can imagine! He KNOWS fully the grief you are going through for He too lost His Son. His Son's name is Jesus! God who loves you with a perfect love promises to care for you fully. "Casting all your care on Him for He cares for YOU."
We have a book that was given to us in a time of deep grief and we would like to share it with you by sending you a copy if you would like to have it. It has been and continues to be a tremendous help and comfort and guide to us. It is called, "Trusting GOD - Even When Life Hurts" by Jerry Bridges. God has used this book to help heal us from griefs past and to give us wonderful guidance in 'how to move on' after adversity strikes us.
We would love to send you a copy. If you'd like us to do that, we can be reached at this email: dande@neffemail.com.
We pray for you. May the Lord truly bless you and keep you in His loving care. "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him ..." Psalm 37.
Lovingly in Him,
Dave & Elayne Neff
(Uncle to Tarah)
There, but for the Grace of God,
go I. -John Bradford
A dear pastor told me that over and over during my darkest hour. It is the grace and love of God that will see you, Reese and Lane through this sad time.
Praying for your family daily. Hoping for more good days than bad days.
Take care-
tami
Tasha- I have been thinking about your family so often and praying for all of you. I can't imagine what you're going through. You are such a strong person and are a great example for others in your strength and trust in the Lord.
Thank you for sharing... I am at the Women of Whatcom Confernece this weekend and you have been on my heart strongly for the last few days..
Your braveness of sharing your journey may help another person see Gods love..you may be the light into someones darkness..
I am so sorry you lost your sweet baby Case..
I agree with Michele..your faith is amazing.
My heart is so heavy for you. I visit your blog and just pray for you, Reese, and Lane. You are such a testimony to everyone visiting and reading your blog. Although you life is in a million different pieces, Jesus is shining through the cracks, and you are showing people that with God anything is possible. These are the hardest days of your life and God is still shining through you, and are such a strong inspirational woman. I am so sorry that you are having to have to face these days of emptiness and hurt, we will be praying and thinking of you daily.
Julie
My heart hurts for you and I continue to think and pray for you daily. Thank you for sharing your heart! What an encouragment it is seeing you leaning on Jesus and looking unto Him!
Psalm 121:1-2 "I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth."
praying for you all,
Jamie
My heart aches for you and I cannot begin to understand the pain you and your family are feeling right now. The strength, faith and hope you have is amazing. I will continue to have you in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry.
My earliest thinking around tragedies like this is always disbelief and then anger. I am pissed at God for not interceding at the right time. Turns out that isn't the way god works in this world, at least not usually. God doesn't cause bad or painful things to happen, but he is consumed with love and compassion for us and will walk with us in our agony and bring peace in despair.
Between losing Case and Haiti, it looks like he better step up and get on it. Their is a lot of weepin goin on!!! I am callin out for a little more HELP!!!
Sometimes I feel like I need to call out loud to the Lord. So I do.
praying....
Praying that your days begin to get easier. Everytime I think about that day I start crying all over again. I cannot imagine what you are going through. You are a great mother, wife and friend.
Praying for you....you're in my heart and I'm just so sorry.
God's blessings to you, especially now.
Love,
Katie (Michele's friend)
Natasha- We've never met but I think that your Case and my Abbey have. I just wanted you to know that you are on my heart and that I am putting together a little package for you...but until then keep praying...keep writing and know that God's Grace is there for you whenever you need it! Amy VanDalen
...continually praying for God's peace to pass our finite understanding...
Natasha,
Though you do not know me, I have come to know you through both yours and your sister's blog after hearing about the sudden loss of you precious baby boy. As a mother of a 4 month old baby boy, my heart aches for you... I can only imagine what you must be going through. Your faith in God and couragous heart have been an inspiration to me and I know many others. It is obvious through the comments of others that Case, in his short time here on earth, left his footprint on many hearts. Case's story has taught me not to take for granted the little things as I go about my daily routine caring for my son. You are in my thoughts and prayers DAILY. And though it may be difficult to see now, but God truly does have a PERFECT plan. And until the day you are reunited with your sweet baby boy, take comfort in knowing God has him wrapped in His loving arms.
I heard about your recent loss of that beautiful little boy of yours from Joelle. Please know that my family has and will continue to lift you all in deep, loving prayers. We are so sorry for the hurt you are feeling. May you feel God's love, peace, and mercy through this difficult time.
From one military wife to another, God bless you and all your family has done. You all are the definition of self-less giving and strength.
Natasha, I started following your blog about a year ago when I saw you had posted a recipe that I wanted to try(I found your blog off of Julie Price's). Ironically we were both pregnant and due very close together, neither of us found out the gender and we both had boys. I have enjoyed reading about your family, God and loved seeing pictures of your sweet boys. Julie Price called me and told me about Case and I am heartbroken for you and your family. I can't imagine the pain you are feeling but I am praying for you daily and though you don't know me personally know that we are sisters in Christ. Thinking of you.....
Carolyn
I am always praying for you guys. I love you all. I have to say...it made me smile to see the picture of you and Case where his arm is turned backward-like....thats my Case. I'm always here for you Natasha. I hope you know that.
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