Easter Getaway

This weekend we took off to Palm Springs and spent two nights there. Lane loves climbing around in Joshua Tree National Park and swimming so we took him to do both. Saturday we went up into the park and stopped off in 29 Palms where Lane was born. We only stayed there long enough to get cash out and some snacks and off we went up into the park. I was hoping that the park would be blooming. It was a little bit. Most of the Joshua Trees were blooming which is a big thing up there! We let Lane jump around on the big jumbo rocks and then we hiked to Barker Dam, which had quite a bit of water in it. Later that day we went swimming and today we went up the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway for lunch and a great view of the Coachella Valley before coming back home.

Blooming Joshua Tree
Barker Dam
Lane loves to swim.

We came back and Lane did a little egg hunt by himself. Nothing like a lone egg hunt, but he had fun finding ALL the eggs.

I knew that Easter was going to be a hard day for me. That's one reason why we did our little trip. Easter has taken on a new meaning to me. I know the pain of seeing my own son die, I understand so much more what a sacrifice it was for God to send his own Son to die for us. Never has the meaning of Easter been more real to me.

March 25th marked 9 years since my mom died. Another hard day, but different now. Over the years I have become so thankful for my mom. She taught me so much. She was an amazing Christian influence in my life. The thing I am most thankful for recently is that she taught me how to be a good wife and mom. I am so thankful that Case has her and she has Case in heaven, although honestly, I'd rather have them both here. At one point after Case died I had a very real image in my mind of my mom running as fast as she could to the gates of heaven to sweep Case up into her arms when he got there. It brings me to tears everytime I think of it.

The last couple weeks, I have grown impatient with my grief. They say that happens. I know that it will never go away and that I won't feel better for a long time, but I am tired of feeling sad. I used to be a productive person, now I can't seem to get much done. I used to feel happy and sometimes I do, but not without an underlying sadness. It's normal to feel this way, I know, but I am tired of it.

I hope everyone had a good Easter. What a wonderful gift we've been given, hope, forgiveness, grace. I will not squander that away, I will be thankful for Jesus' life and death and resurrection. Because of His sacrifice, I have the hope that I will one day see my sweet boy again.

I'm Still Here

Yep, I am still here just a little lacking in the blog department. Last week we got back from WA. Reese's brother Mason and his new wife Amanda got married on the 13th. Reese was a groomsman and Lane was the ring bearer. He was so cute as you can see in the pictures. We got there the Tuesday before the wedding and on Wednesday Lane ran into one of Lesha's countertops, cut his eye, and by the next day he had his very first shiner! Just in time for the wedding. Isn't that how it goes though? I thought it made him even cuter, such a boy. As you can tell by the pictures he had his hands in his pockets much of the time. It was good to be up there for a week and see our family and friends. It was good to get home too.

It's been over 2 months since Case died. We're missing him so much, mostly I think of all the things he'd be doing by now. We still have so much ahead of us. All those firsts, his first Easter in just a couple weeks, my first mother's day as a mom who has lost a child...it's a long road. I just started reading the book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. It says that when you lose a baby, you mourn the future so much, watching him grow up, the family vacations, the holidays. As soon as I got pregnant I started imagining our family as a family of four, my thoughts, expectations, dreams only grew from there. When he was born and we found out he was a boy, as he grew and turned into his own little person with such a unique personality. A baby gives you so much to look forward to, all of that was taken away so quickly.

I've grieved the loss of my mom, that was so hard, it still is. Grieving the loss of my child is different. There are things I never experienced when my mom died that I am experiencing now. The thing you can pray most for me right now is my fears, that God can meet me in these fears that my mind is coming up with. That I would trust God and not fight or wrestle with these fears, just trust. I won't go into a lot of explanation, and no I am not going crazy :) My mind, my body has suffered a huge loss, a scary loss and I am simply reacting to that.

Lane's First T-ball Game

Lane had his first game last Saturday. It was absolutely hilarious! No matter where the ball went, all the kids ran after it, except for the two girls on the team, they were talking. Reese is helping coach so that is really cool for Lane. His team is the Red Sox, there uniforms are adorable!

Lane running to home.
Of course the team cheer!

They had practice today. I was helping field the balls while the kids practice hitting. I'm not one for bragging about my kid, but he's got some heat behind those balls he's hitting! His little stance is so "professional" too.

It's times like those t-ball games that help me get through. I was laughing my head off and was so proud of Lane and the great kid he is. He's been through so much in his short 5 years and I am so proud and relieved that he is doing so well. He hasn't talked a whole lot about his sadness, but today he told me twice that he was feeling pretty sad. He misses having a little brother and he's said before that he's "alone" now. Poor little guy. Praying that he can get through this in a healthy way. I am still feeling so good about our decision to take him out of school. He hasn't asked once to go back and I know the best place for him right now is with mom and dad!

Lane's first t-ball game from Natasha Heeringa on Vimeo.

A poem and a little bit of my heart

I want to share with you a poem I found looking at another couples blog who recently lost their sweet baby girl. I don't know them or the author personally, but I know a little bit of their heart, because I too am suffering a loss like they have. The poem is so true. I guess it also comforts me a little bit knowing that others are going through or have gone through this too. I wish this never happened to any of us, it's not right or natural, but since it did happen, it gives me comfort that they are feeling the same things I am feeling.

This poem was written by a mother of a premature baby who died of pneumonia at 17 months. The authors name is Heather Spohr.

There is a lot of pressure that comes with grieving.
Every day, we get watched, observed, sized up.
People are constantly looking to us to set the tone.
We can hear them holding their breath,
waiting for us to smile, or laugh, or cry.

We are also holding our breath
waiting to see how people will react to us.
If we laugh, will people think we’re being disrespectful to our son?
Because sometimes we laugh.

If we cry, will we make people feel awkward?
Because we cry, a lot.
If we smile, will people think we’re okay?
Because we’re not okay.
We’re not better, or fixed, or over it.

It’s this constant up and down
like a thermometer…rising and falling.

But most of all, we put pressure on ourselves.
We get tired of crying, but we feel guilty if we don’t.
We miss hearing his voice
but just the sound of it can throw us into utter despair.

Our friends invite us to things.
We want to be with them.
But sometimes it’s just too much.
We hope they keep inviting.
We hope one day it won’t be too much.

Grief is a dance we don’t know the steps to
but we shuffle along, trying not to mess up.

Here is a family picture that was taken at Christmas. How I miss those simpler times with that sweet baby in my arms. We tried yet another church today. It was good, I think it's been my favorite out of all of them, all seven that is :) I don't think we are too picky, but it's good to be a little picky. I need to be fed at the church I attend and I also need to be able to see myself serving a purpose there. Then there is Reese's expectations of a church and if Lane likes it etc. God has a place for us...praying that he'll show us where that is.

Case would be 7 months old today. Would he be sitting up? Would he be trying to crawl? Would that first tooth have broke through yet? Every part of me aches to see him do those things. The harsh reality that hits me straight in the stomach is that there isn't anything else I can see, nothing more I can put in his baby book...that hurts so much it can literally take my breath away. Please pray that God gives me enough comfort and peace to get through those really sad times, the hit in the stomach, that can come over me so strongly some days.

Changes

This past week we've have some change. We finally decided to take Lane out of Kindergarten. He's very young for his grade and we had thought about doing a second year of Kindergarten anyway. When Case died, one of my first reactions was to take Lane out of school. We thought about it for a month and decided last week. We are happy with our decision. It gives us more time to enjoy our little man (and I mean little MAN!). And it gives us more time together as a family since Reese will be home until May. We've been doing a little "homeschool" The usual workbook stuff, some science experiments, and museum trips. I know Lane is enjoying it and so are Reese and I.

My friend Lindsey also came to visit over the weekend. We had a good time, she got to meet a lot of our friends down here and see a little more of the city. On Sunday morning we went on a Harbor Cruise while enjoying brunch! Fancy smancy.

Lane at the air and space museum today
Lindsey and I on the California Spirit.
One of Lane's science experiments, the classic vinegar and baking soda volcano.
Reese and Lane at the fountain at Balboa Park.
Lane started T-ball last week too.

I wanted to post some of what we are doing. We are all learning how to do things a little differently. I am learning to function with a constant underlying sadness and emptyness inside. Sometimes I do well with that, other times I don't. Twice now in a store, I've heard a baby crying and I start crying myself. Today it happened in the grocery store. It was all I could do to not pick up that baby out of her stroller with tears streaming down my face. I miss my baby so so much. It's been 6 weeks since I've held him. I know time will heal my heartache but until then I trust God to get me through each day.

Valentines Day

We've had a pretty good day. We went to church and then went to Joe's Crab Shack for lunch. I made some Valentine's day cupcakes for Lane. We're trying to do these things for Lane and it helps us too. Valentines Day, love day, just isn't complete with out my little love Case. In honor of Valentines Day and of Case, I want to share a song with you that I would always sing to Case, and sometimes Lane would join in too.

1,2,3 Jesus loves me

1,2 He loves you too

2,3,4 He loves you more

than you've ever been loved before

5,6,7 I'm on my way to Heaven

8,9 It's truly divine

8,9,10, it's time to end

but there's time to sing

it again....

and on and on we'd go. This song was a fun song to sing, Case liked it and would always give me a big smile. Lane would try to sing too, but didn't know all the words. Now this song has taken on new meaning to me. It talks about how Jesus loves you more than you've ever been loved. As Case's mom, who could love him more than I do? Well, that song answers my question. Jesus can love him more than I can. Doesn't seem possible, but Case is feeling that love right now. When I sang, 5,6,7 I'm on my way to Heaven, I had no idea how soon that would be for Case. But I am thankful for this little song and all the promises it holds in just a few words. I know that when I get to heaven Case will teach me all the songs he's learned up there.

His Eyes

I miss Case's eyes. His bright, wide open, taking everything in, blue eyes. This is the only picture I have of him looking at me. It's such a silly picture that Lane took of us just the week before Case died. Case would look at us, not just like any baby looks at you. I mean he looked right at us. He followed us across the room with his eyes, he would stare at Lane while he was in the same room as him. Everyday I would walk Lane to school and push Case in the stroller. He would stare at me the whole way. My friends would comment on how he would just stare at me the whole time. The weekend before Case died, we were out talking to our neighbors. She made the comment that she couldn't believe the way he looked at me. She said "my girls never looked at me like that" Maybe he was memorizing us. Maybe he just loved us as much as we loved him. I can't help but think about what his little eyes are seeing now. More than we can imagine I am sure. My little Case's eyes are seeing all of God's glory. He see's Jesus' face. He's looking into Grandma Karen's eyes now. That gives me a little comfort. Mostly it makes me want that again. I want him to look at me again.

I flew up to Seattle on Friday night to meet my sister's and Lissa. I just stayed two nights and we stayed in a hotel, shopped, talked, and cried. It was great being around those girls. It was healing. It was hard to leave Lane and Reese. It was hard to get back to reality today. I should be doing homework right now. I am taking some online classes. It sounds crazy to be doing that right now. I had registered for them back in November. I didn't feel like I could focus enough to do them, but I am trying. I honestly don't know what else I am supposed to do. I lost some of my identity when Case died. I am supposed to be taking care of a baby and now I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing.

I was given a book at Case's funeral. Jesus Calling. (Thanks Mindy) I read it every morning. I can't believe how relevant it is to me right now. Yesterday's devotion said this, "Remember that I can fit everything into a pattern for good, including the things you wish were different. Start with where you are at this point in time and space, accepting that this is where I intend you to be. You will get through today one step, one moment at a time." I don't understand why God intends for me to be here. But honestly, this is what gets me through, the fact the God does have a plan and he can work all things into a pattern for good. It is beyond my understanding. I don't say these things to sound right or to make people think that I am okay and doing everything right. I am a mess, I am not strong, I am broken. I am writing this because this is the only way I am getting through this. If I didn't have my faith in God, I would go crazy. Sometimes I feel like I might go crazy, but then I remember to take it one moment, one day at a time. I am reminded to keep my eyes on God, just like Case kept his eyes on me.