Apple Butter

I have had this apple butter recipe for a while now. It comes from the Gooseberry Patch Slow Cooking cookbooklet. When we lived in WA I started canning. I grew lots of tomatoes and Reese's brother had some property down the street where I grew a bigger garden and used a lot of the fruit from his trees for canning. I canned pasta sauce, salsa, applesauce, apple jelly, pears, pear honey, and pickles. I miss canning. I look back fondly on those days when Lane was just a little guy and I would pull him in the wagon over to Uncle Jo's to harvest what we had grown. And his excitement when he would find red tomatoes on our plants at home. Then when he would go to bed at night I would start canning. I would stay up until midnight sometimes, the kitchen would be steaming from the boiling canner. It was so fulfilling to get done and here the "ping" of the lids sealing as I was cleaning up. Some people probably think I am weird (well those of you who know me well enough know that I am in fact weird). I just think that maybe I was born in the wrong decade or century for that matter :)

To get back to my apple butter....I decided this would be a great way to can something without having a garden or fruit trees. I could just buy 4 lbs of apples at the store. It's a crockpot recipe so the stove didn't need to be on for a long time. I started in the morning and by the time I went to bed that night I had 4 jars of apple butter.

The recipe calls for ground cloves which I didn't have, so I just put 15 whole cloves in and fished them out when I was done. Next time I will buy ground cloves...
From whole Granny Smith apples....
to a cooked, deep brown about 10 hours later. It says to use a food mill to separate the pulp and the solids. I pushed it through a colander, picked out the peels and mashed it up by hand. Next time I will buy a food mill.....
Then I returned the juice and pulp to the crock pot along with the sugar and spices. To cook for another hour. I would have liked it to turn out a bit thicker, so next time I might put it on the stove and simmer it for an hour instead of it just on high in the crock pot.
Ahhhh. The fruits of my labor. I had to cut out some apple images from my new Country Life cricut cartridge for the picture. I am strange.
The apple butter is very yummy on an english muffin with peanut butter. I think it would also be awesome warmed up to use instead of syrup for pancakes or french toast.

Harvest Apple Butter

4 lbs apples, cored and quartered 1 tsp ground cloves

1 cup apple cider 1/2 tsp allspice

2 1/2 cups sugar 4 1/2-pint canning jars and lids, sterilized

1 tsp cinnamon

Place apples and cider into a slow cooker; heat on high setting for 10 hours. Sift through a food mill; return pulp to slow cooker, discarding solids. Add remaniing ingredients; stif to mix. Heat, uncovered for one house; fill sterilized pint jars to within 1/4 inch from the top. Wipe rims and secure lids. Process in a hot water bath for 10 minutes. Makes 4 jars.

On another note, I am 29 weeks pregnant. I have been taking a belly shot every 4 weeks, so at 28 weeks I was supposed to take one and never did. Here is my belly shot, one week late.

Lane's First Day of School

Here is Lane's (second) first day of Kindergarten picture. He had a great day. He is excited about his classroom, mainly because they have a lizard and a turtle! They also have some awesome legos that he was really excited to play with. Yesterday I was walking to pick him up and saw his class walking in a line out of the classroom. I spotted Lane right away with his white blonde head sticking out a head taller than all the other kids! Yes, he looks a little "ginormous" next to some of his classmates, but I am confident that this is right where he needs to be.

Now the question is how did I do on Lane's first day? His being at school isn't the hard part, we've done that before. Me being home by myself isn't really the hard part either, I am pretty used to that. The hard part is leaving that school with nothing in my arms, no stroller to push. We went to his orientation on Tuesday, just like we did last year. Last year I had Case in the Baby Bjorn, he was just 3 weeks old. Last year on the first day of school, I pushed Case in the stroller while Lane walked beside it (the picture below has the wheel of the stroller in the left hand corner).

Everything is different now. I have prepared for this, I knew this day was coming, and soon I will have another baby to push in the stroller to school. But my heart aches that I don't have my one year old little Case in the stroller.

I will be honest, it's hard not to compare myself to others. I know that is fruitless, but the sinful, human "me" does it anyway. I watch all of these families with all their kids. Mom's who seem like their biggest problem today is to just find a minute alone while their little one's nap. While I long for a little one year old who won't nap or who is teething, or who wakes up during the night, I would take that over this any day. Why was I the one whose baby died of SIDS? I love my kids and take care of them just as much or more as they do, how is it that my child had to die? Why was our family a statistic? But God keeps reminding me that He has a plan and my life is this way for a reason. On Aug 12th, 7 months after Case went to heaven, I read these words in Jesus Calling:

Do not compare yourself with others, who seem to skip along their life-paths with ease. Their journeys have been different from yours, and I have gifted them with abundant energy. I have gifted you with fragility, providing opportunities for your spirit to blossom in My Presence. Accept this gift as a sacred treasure: delicate, yet glowing with brilliant Light. Rather than struggling to disguise or deny your weakness, allow Me to bless you richly through it.

It's already happened, this is my life, I can't change it. I have no choice but to accept it and allow God to bless me through it.

Knitting!

Everyone always says how much fun girls are to shop for. That is true and I am sure I will get sucked in in no time. But for now, I just can't seem to stop making things for her. I am in luck because she will be in 0-3 and 3-6 months during the winter months so I get to spend less on yarn and the little sweaters get done faster.

This is my first baby sweater. It was super easy and I got it done in like 8 days. I had some leftover yarn and knit a matching hat.
This sweater was really easy after I had completed the first one. They are similar to make but different. And the matching hat...I LOVE!
The flower just buttons on so I will be making some other colored flowers to match a bunch of different outfits. I may not accessorize much, but this little girl will!

I have done some serious nesting since I got back. I loved my time up there, but I kept thinking of all the things I wanted to do when I got back. I have organized two closets, one being a large walk in storage closet! I have organized a few cupboards and decluttered some areas of the house. I also have been working on some fabric projects. And when I am not doing those things I am laying on the couch with my feet up! I have nested so much that when I went to bring Lane's registration paperwork for Kindergarten, I had shredded all my recent utility bills and had no proof of residency! Thankfully I know the lady in the office and told her how "crazy" I've been, she understood. I guess it could be worse, I could have not been able to find the bills in all my clutter.... Needless to say, I am finally being a more productive person. To me that is so refreshing, it drives me crazy to not get things done, and finally I am.

Random Blogging

After spending two months in WA, we are back! I am happy to be in our own home again and looking forward to getting Lane on a schedule for school. Our time up there was great, lots of time with family and friends, which was awesome! But we were busy, it's time now to settle into a routine again. I've been seeing my life this year in chapters. Sounds weird but I keep thinking of the next chapter in my life. I felt like being in WA would be a chapter for me, one of healing and being around family. Now that I am back we are starting a new chapter, one I am really looking forward to. Lane going back to school will be good for all of us, he needs the routine and I need the time at home to myself before the baby comes. I feel like with every "chapter" God has continued to work in me. I can't believe the difference in me from the time I found out I was pregnant until now. My mind, my fears, have calmed down a lot, not fully, but every little bit helps. I feel ready to do things I didn't know if I'd be ready to do. I feel a bit more like me, and a little normalcy in all of this goes a long way. I am different, I've accepted that, not only have I had to grieve the death of my child, I have also had to grieve my old self and how our family once was. The new isn't bad, but it's different, forever changed.

Here are some pictures that I didn't get to share while I was up there.

Siblings: in birth order from youngest to oldest, there's me smack dab in the middle, not a bad place to be. These girls and guys are my faves!
My 24 week picture. Although I am now almost 27 weeks. :)

Love this picture of Lane on the 4th of July. This was the first year he got to enjoy fire crackers. We've always watched the big one's but we aren't allowed to light them off ourselves in S. California, so this was a highlight! We got to watch the show out at my aunt and uncle's in Sandy Point. The sunset was awesome as you can see.

And in honor of another new chapter, I wanted to post a recipe. Taking pictures of food and posting a recipe reminds me of "me." The bakery at the grocery store I was staying near by had some wonderful macaroons that had chocolate all over the bottom of them. I saw this recipe on Mennonite Girls Can Cook (linked on my blog) and had to make the chocolate version for myself.

Coconut Macaroons

3 cups angel flaked coconut

1/2 cup flour

1/4 tsp salt

1 can sweetened condensed milk

2 tsp vanilla

Some semisweet chocolate chips for melting. I probably melted a 1/2 cup and added a little shortening to it (less than 1 tsp).

Preheat oven to 325. Combine coconut, flour and salt. Stir in milk and vanilla. Drop 1 Tbsp full onto greased baking pan. Bake for 18 min or until golden.

Once cooled, spread melted chocolate all over the bottom and sit upside down to harden.

Happy Birthday Sweet Case!

Case would be one today. Today I've spent the day thinking a lot about the day he was born, how excited I was when they told me he was a boy as they put him on my chest. He spent the first 16 hours in the NICU, but when they brought him to my room later on in the day it was so exciting. Lane was there when they brought him and he was so excited to hold him.

Today to celebrate Case's first birthday we went to the cemetary and sent up "flying hugs and kisses" to Case. Lane held one green balloon because Case is one. The kids liked watching the balloons fly up and we could see them for a long time, finally becoming just dots in the sky.

Afterwards we went to the park and had cupcakes. All the kids had a candle to blow out and we sang happy birthday to Case. It was a sweet little party, one that made me happy to have had Case for 5 1/2 months and at the same time so sad that I couldn't throw him a first birthday party the way I had wanted to. We love you sweet Case, I know you are celebrating with Jesus in heaven.

What We've Been Doing

We went to Vance and Michele's last week. Lane had fun climbing rocks, hitting golf balls, swimming, and exploring. It was great to be there!

Michele also took some pregnancy shots for me. It was fun to get some before my belly gets gigantic :) And I do love how they turned out.
A couple days ago I took Lane out to my dad's. He took his BB gun and we walked around in the fields. They had just cut hay so there were hay bales all around us. Walking around out there always bring back so many childhood memories for me.
And....I have been knitting. I started these socks in January. I bought the supplies while we were still in WA for Case's funeral. I felt like knitting something comforting for myself would be therapeutic, so I got started. I got the first sock done within a couple months, just knitting it here and there. I finally finished the second sock last week, 6 months later. I have thought of them as my Case socks. As I sat and knitted them, I thought of him with each stitch. It's a little warm to be wearing them now, but this fall and winter I will wear them and they will keep my feet as well as my heart warm. I am now onto a sweater for our baby girl which I will share when I am done. I love knitting, it is very healing. When a doctor recently asked me what I am doing to help relieve stress and anxiety, I said "I talk a lot, I journal, and... I knit"

6 months

It's been six months today since we had to say goodbye to our sweet Case. I have such mixed feelings as every month passes. Sometimes, I feel like it's good because the more time that passes, the more healing has taken place. But on the other hand, the more time, the farther away I feel from Case. I wanted to think of and remember some of the cute things Case would do. Last night I thought of these santa pictures. This was at a Naval Special Warfare event. All the kids got their picture taken and then they emailed the pictures to us. I remembered that I still had these pictures in an email and hadn't downloaded them. Last night I looked at them again. I thought "oh bummer Case isn't looking at the camera" and then I realized what he was looking at, me. I was standing off to the side taking my own pictures that I had posted in December. He was looking at me the whole time. This brought tears to my eyes and I was reminded once again of how he looked at me. I miss those little eyes staring at me.

Over the last 6 months, our world has changed. At times I haven't known what to do, sometimes I would just stand in the middle of a room not knowing what to do next. There have been times where I felt God working, His healing, and times when I've wondered if He was even there at all. I cry daily for our little guy. Lane has seen his mama cry more than ever in the last 6 months. He once made the observation that I had black tears, I explained to him that it was just my mascara so he wouldn't worry :) This makes me giggle a little, but it also makes me sad about how many tears he has had to see. He is just a kid, I never wanted him to see this much heartache so early in life. He loved having a baby brother. He told me the other day that the day Case died, he couldn't wait to get home to play with him, and then he followed that by saying, but he had to go to the hospital. My heart broke for him remembering how everyday when we would walk to get Lane from school, Lane would go directly to Case's stoller and touch him with his germy school hands and say "Hi Case." We all miss our Case. I am thankful that Lane is old enough that he'll remember him and that he tell his other siblings about Case.

God had blessed us through our grief and I know that He will continue to bless us. After such a traumatic experience, it's hard to think that anything good could possibly happen, but it has. Life, although sad, has become more precious. And the sweetest blessing through all of this is this baby girl, who has given us hope and joy during a time of darkness.

This journey is far from over, I don't think it will ever be, but I am learning to find joy in life again, and for that I am grateful.