San Diego, How I've Missed You

We decided to stay home for Christmas, but we left on New Years Eve for Southern California.  We spent the first half in San Diego and the second half at Disneyland.  We flew into Orange County and let me say that the sun on my face as we drove to San Diego that day was glorious!

 Me and my boy in Old Town San Diego.  I have many memories here.  On Sundays we would sometimes just head there, have lunch, go to a candy store etc.  Lane loved to roam around in the little park area and climb trees.  Reese and I actually spent our "honeymoon" in Old Town.  I met him on a long weekend in San Diego for our honeymoon, a month after we were married :)

 We got to our hotel that afternoon.  This was our view from the room.  I will never tire of looking at San Diego bay.

 The next day we headed over to our old stompin' grounds!  We met some friends at the park in housing that we used to play at all the time.  It's just outside of our old house, the house that holds so many memories.  It was just nice being back, among friends.  Lane and his buddies, Daniel, Seth and Max got to hang out.  As well as my good friends Katie's kids Paige and Blake, Lane hadn't seen them in 4 years!

 Estelle and her buddy Cara and Katie's daughter Reese, who we all got to meet for the first time!

 Me, Susan, Kelly, and Katie.  These girls saw me through some very hard times in my life, as well as some very joyous ones!  I love each of them for many reasons and they hold such special place in my heart.  I was so excited for them to meet Ingrid too! Oh and that is my old house in the background :)

 Then we headed over to my friend Kaysia's house.  Estelle and Emmy picked up right where they left off!  And so did the older kids for that matter.  And they all loved Ingrid :)  We planned a big surprise for Emmy.  She had no idea Estelly was coming and Estelle went and rang the doorbell.  Emerson seemed a little shocked and confused more than surprised :)  Emmy didn't want much to do with Ingrid, she told Kaysia she didn't really care for babies, but it looks as if she put a "baby in her tummy" before  I took this picture.  But that is the last memories she had of me before they moved, big and pregnant!

 The next day we headed over to our friends Kyle and Leah's.  We were so excited to see how our girls would play together!  They hadn't seen each other in 2 years.  They are 4 days apart and they had great fun together! And I notice Estelle's hair had been styled by Lucy before the picture!  Charlie and Lane hung out a bit too.  Charlie always loved coming over and hanging out with big boy Lane back in the day.  Now Charlie is a big boy!  Hard to believe.

 Lucy loved Ingrid, she also loves her little sister Evelyn who is about 6 months older than Ingrid.  I think those girls will have lots of fun together in the year ahead!

 The last morning we were there we took a walk from the hotel to the park that we had spent a lot of time at.  Lane played baseball there and I took lots of walks with the babies in the stroller etc.  Oh and Lane checked out the skatepark that he would like to frequent when we move back :)

 Estelle just couldn't wait to walk barefoot in the sand!  So we headed down to the beach later on that day.

 I think she'll fit in just fine in CA when we get back!

 Cool kid on the rocks, that kids has always loved climbing on rocks!

Me and my sweet Ingrid.

Christmas 2014

This was the first Christmas that we haven't spent with family in WA.  We decided to stay home and although we really missed seeing everyone, it was nice and relaxing.  We started off the Christmas season with Reese's work Christmas party on December 6th.

 Then we had the kids party for all the kids from Reese's work.  Santa made an appearance this year and brought Christmas jammies for all the kids.

 Lane had a part in the Christmas program at church.  He was a towns person and a shepherd.  This was one big bonus of staying home for Christmas, Lane has never been in a church program, because we've always been gone.  I loved watching him!

 We had a gingerbread house making party at our house with some friends.

 On Christmas Eve we went to church and that night Lane read Twas the Night before Christmas for us. :)

 We decorated Christmas cookies...

 And Christmas morning was super relaxing. In fact I stayed in my pajamas all day!

 Lane got a skateboard ramp and Estelle got a Easy Bake Oven.  Just to name a few...

 And it was this sweet girls first Christmas.  Reese's Grandma Barbara has made these special stockings (socks) for everyone in the family.  They are special to us, and I love that I have one for Case.  We always hang his up.  My heart and my sock hooks are full now...  I love my family from here to heaven, and although we have many trials, I am counting my blessings!

Ingrid 4 months

 Well, better late than never is what I always say!  Ingrid will be 5 months old next week, but here are her 4 month pictures.  She is such a sweet baby.  At her 4 month appointment she was 26 inches tall and 15 lbs 14 oz.  She's a big girl, growing like a weed!  She is pretty much in 6-9 month clothes now.

 She is very aware of things around her now.  She was trying to grab the sign in this picture.

 I just adore this picture of Ingrid.  Her chubby, chubby cheeks!

And EVERYTHING goes in the mouth.  She drools a lot and wants to chew on stuff, so I'm pretty sure she is teething early like Estelle did.  She really likes to sleep in the bassinet next to our bed but she is getting way too big for it!  She the last 4 nights we've been making the transition into her crib.  This has made for a few nights of me getting up and down a lot.  She's been sleeping through the night for quite a while now, so it's hard since she now waking up a lot, but I think she's starting to adjust now.  Love this girl!  She looks so much like her brothers did and even gets the rosy cheeks like Case did.  

Matters of the Heart: Peace

I went to Anchorage last week for my recheck. I was feeling good, confident, peaceful. They did an echo and I sat through that 1/2 hour test very calmly. I met with my doctor and waited for her to tell me the number. Now I had told myself as long as I am in an upward swing I will be happy. I told myself, if I am in the 30's I will be ecstatic. The doctor came in, she told me that the echo read that it's at 38% and by her estimate it was around 30%. Yes! This is what I hoped for! But she thought the numbers should be higher... Okay. She continued on with my appointment. My physical exam looked good. She told me to get in contact with a heart transplant center. Not because I need one, but because I need to make these connections now, while I am "healthy." I left my appointment with such mixed feelings. I felt my joy was stolen from me. Maybe the doctor had a bad day and didn't "feel" like being quite as encouraging as she had before. Maybe satan saw an opportunity to steal my joy. In the last week I've had anxiety, so much so that my body shakes and my teeth chatter. I am being real right now, honest. Why? Because I have dark days and I need prayer. 

"God favors the darkest places so you can see His light the brightest." Ann Voskamp

I am reading "The Greatest Gift" by Ann Voskamp. It is a devotional book for Advent. It is a powerful book for me right now. So much truth is spoken and God shows up when I read it. 

Some days I have to try hard to seek Gods peace. Other days it comes easily. I know it's there for me if I just seek it.

"When you are brave, you give yourself the gift of facing and touching the torn places. The places where we're torn to pieces can be thin places where we touch the peace of God." Ann Voskamp

I have to allow these torn pieces of me to be touched by Gods peace. Beauty can come from ashes, but I have to allow that to happen.

"Faith is the gift of God. So is the air, but you have to breathe it; so is bread, but you have to eat it; so is water, but you have to drink it." D.L. Moody

This Christmas season my eyes have been opened to what Christmas really is. It has to be found, not bought or decorated. I am trying my best to find joy and peace in Christ this Christmas season.

Thanksgiving Visitors!

 We had my brother Matt and Reese's sister Cortnae's husband Mike here for Thanksgiving this year!  Matt had never visited us here before so he had planned to come up.  Then we asked if Mike wanted to come over on the ferry from Homer.  He's been on the Kenai Peninsula and hopefully the rest of his family will join him there shortly!  So he hopped on a "quick" 10 hr ferry ride to join us too.  It was a fun time and they got to stay for 3 nights and almost 4 days.

 Yesterday we drove up Pillar Mt but i was pretty foggy, couldn't see a whole lot.

 The kids loved having those guys here.  They always get excited about visitors!  We aren't going to WA for Christmas so it was nice to see some family members.  By the time we see Matt again, Ingrid will probably be walking!  I am very thankful for family this year!!

Matters of the Heart: Choosing Joy

A sweet picture taken by my sister Michele in light of our families "Matters of the Heart"

Life is full of choices.  Not just those everyday choices, like whip or no whip on your mocha.  Heart choices.  Will I choose to love or be angry, be joyful or bitter, will I be brave or hold back on the chance I might get hurt.  Every day we make these choices and sometimes making the right ones is hard.

On September 30th I went into my internal medicine doctor here, our town doesn't have any cardiologists, so this is the closest I can get to that. I had been putting off this appointment.  I wasn't feeling terrible, I had been coughing for a long time.  That's part of living on this island, I feel like I've had a cold all year, germs like to fester here.  But my main symptom was that I was short of breath.  I thought, maybe my cold has really gotten into my lungs and that's all it is, but in the back of my mind I wondered if it was my heart.  And in the back of my mind, I knew.

Even the doctor thought it was probably nothing as I was sitting there telling him my symptoms.  Then he got me on the exam table and looked at my neck.  By looking at your neck a doctor can tell if you are retaining fluid, I was.  He got a little more serious at that point.  He ordered a chest xray, lab work, EKG and an echocardiogram.  And before any of those tests came back, he started prescribing medications.  My xray showed I had some fluid in my lungs, that explained my shortness of breath.  My labs showed an elevated BNP which indicates heart failure. And a few days later my echo showed that my heart function had gone from 45-55% last January, down to 10-15%.  Normal heart function is around 60% or higher.  I was shocked... those numbers are bad.  With those numbers you can be put on a transplant list.

I flew to Anchorage a week later to see my cardiologist as well as a heart failure specialist.  I left Ingrid with Reese and she drank formula for the second time in her short 2 months.  I got there and my doctors were beyond awesome.  They are calling it Peri Partum Cardiomyopathy, even though I already had an existing heart disease (link to my original diagnosis, another link, and for all other heart posts click on the Matters of the Heart tag).  And although 3 different cardiologist that I had consulted before getting pregnant told me that they thought I could handle another pregnancy, I didn't.  Sometime in late pregnancy or post partum, I developed heart failure.  The statistics are, 50% of women make a full recovery, 25% stabilize with good quality of life, and the other 25% continually struggle, possible heart transplant etc.

The thing is that my cardiologists were so incredibly positive.  They had a game plan, this included 6 new medications, as well as blocking prolactin in my body (what you produce while you're breast feeding) which can be hard on your heart.  Between all the medication and need to block prolactin, I had to quite nursing.  They did a physical examination and after my body was able to get rid of the fluid (thanks to some medications), I looked perfectly fine on the outside.  They told me that the heart function number is just one piece of the puzzle and the fact that I look good and feel good means that despite my heart function my body is able to compensate.  This doesn't make the heart failure part go away, but it's a huge blessing that I have a good quality of life.  I am able to do everything I normally do.  I have had to change some things in my diet, but those things have been a good change.  I have even been exercising 4 times a week.  So I am holding onto the way I feel and I am thankful.

I have a recheck of my heart on December 4th.  We are hoping to see ANY type of upward change in my heart function!  Please pray.

Michele's Hazel, standing by 5 hearts, representing the 5 siblings in our family.

So how do I handle this diagnosis, what heart choices do I have to make?  I have a newborn baby, I have a family that needs me, I am only 32 years old.  I have had a lot of people praying for me.  I know that God has placed certain people in my life to encourage, pray and surround me with love.  I know that God has prepared me for this with other life experiences I've had along the way.  I've been going to a bible study and we are studying the women of the bible.  We were studying Mary (Lazarus' sister) in Luke 10.  I have heard the story of Mary and Martha so many times, but this time it resonated with me in a new way.  In the story, Martha is running around making sure everything is prepared just so for Jesus and Mary is sitting at Jesus' feet, soaking in his presence.  When Martha complains to Jesus that she is doing all the work and Mary is just sitting there, this is Jesus' response.

          "Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:42b

This verse means so many things to me.  Taken literally, I should choose to sit at the feet of Jesus and trust him.  But this verse also speaks to me in other ways, "Choosing what is better."  I have the choice many times a day to choose what is better.  Am I going to choose fear or peace, anger or love, bitterness or joy, busyness or calm, am I going to be present in this moment or always look to the next thing.  If I chose what is better, that cannot be taken away from me.  I will grow from those choices,  I will be blessed by them, others will be blessed by them and I will bring Glory to God through them.

I am trying to chose what is better.  I am giving fear to God and choosing PEACE.  I am giving up bitterness and choosing JOY,  I am letting go of anger and choosing LOVE.  Oh, I haven't always been successful at this.  Yes, I've yelled at my kids, I have nagged my husband, and at times my peace has given way to fear, I am human.  But the point is that this is what I am focusing on and this is my goal.

I have felt an urgency.  Urgency to embrace the present, be a better wife, mother and friend.  An urgency to be intentional in the way I live out my days.  If I choose what is better, than I can do all of those things.  Those moments and memories will not be taken away from me, my family, or my friends.  My mom died when I was 18.  I treasure the wonderful memories I have of her.  No matter if I die tomorrow or 30 years from now,  I want my kids to have wonderful memories of me.  So I WILL CHOOSE JOY!

Estelle turns 4!

 Oh this girl!  These last 4 years have been entertaining to say the least!  Can't believe she is 4.  She is all about Frozen, dancing, ballet, singing.  She really likes "making" in her kitchen and helping me "make" in my kitchen.  In fact, while I was making the frosting for her cake on her birthday she leaned forward and got her hair stuck in the mixer and I had to unwind it as it was pulling it out of her head.  OH my she was traumatized, and it ripped a good chunk out.  But she's got lots of hair so you can't even tell.

 We didn't have a party for her.  We don't really have any little friends her age to invite over, so I made it special by decorating for her.  It was a frozen theme, we sprayed fake snow on the windows (doesn't come off to well though...) and hung up "snowballs."  She loved it.

I have figured out that I really like making cakes for my kids birthdays.  It's a little challenge for me.  I made rock candy out of sugar and corn syrup and broke it into shards for ice.  It was really fun and Estelle loved it.

Last year I asked Estelle these questions so I decided to do it again this year:

Favorite Color: blue (frozen...)
Favorite food: Mac O Cheese
Favorite drink: milk
Favorite animal: sheep (because they're bootiful)
Best friend: Little Emmy (as opposed to big Emmy) and Lucy (Leah we've been looking at pictures)
Favorite activity: painting
Favorite breakfast: cinnamon toast crunch
Favorite snack: 'nola bar
Favorite song: Elsa (let it go)
Favorite toy: Frozen barbie
Favorite book: Dora
Favorite Game: Frozen (?) She is Elsa and Daddy is Anna :)
What do you want to be when you grow up: A grown up :)
Favorite Dinner: Banana